#I’m home from work now so I’ll actually answer things lmao

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

Send me 💙 + an oc and I’ll make a mini aesthetic for them

[jarofstyles]

Illicit

Hello my loves! Welcome to the first part of our next mini series we've been working on behind the scenes. The next 2 parts are available immediately on Patreon now, but will be updated here in the next few weeks!

Patreon

Warnings- cheating ( WITH y/n), Asshole Harry, I hate everyone but her, old money/wealth, toxic relationship dynamic, harry is mean and will be mean but not to Y/N lmao, smut

WC- 2.4k

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Harry had just finished cleaning himself of cum as his phone rang. 

It was his girlfriend. ‘Girlfriend’, really, because this wasn’t a real relationship. Not in his mind, anyways. 

“What?” His voice was a sharp whip, already annoyed that the post orgasm bliss had been interrupted by Katherine. Y/N was sitting next to him, her leg thrown over his thigh as fingers traced over his chest, absentminded circles pausing when she heard his attitude already. Her brow raised as he lifted the phone to show the name on the screen, making her nod, lips turning down. That irritated him further. 

“When are you coming to get me?” A voice that pierced his ears made him close his eyes, a dull throb beginning to coast down his head. “Daddy said you’re coming to the event and you were going to pick me up!” 

She was huffing like a child, not wanting to wait. Realistically, he would leave in 30 minutes. Y/N would stay curled up in his bed and wait for him to come home before he took her away to one of his family cabin’s with the rest of their friend group- the ones who knew of him and Y/N. He would spend the entire night trying to think of an excuse to get back to her early, and hoping Katherine wouldn’t throw a fit about not being able to come on this ‘business trip’.  

“You live with your father. Could you have not shared a ride?” His tone was icy, something Y/N had never been the recipient of. Thank god, really. As sexy as it was to hear him talk like that to other people, it would definitely make her cry. The man was intense, even he knew that, but not everyone seemed to catch on. 

“Hazza! Come on.” She whined. “He already left and stopped by the office. I’m getting ready now but we have to be early for the photos!” As if that was going to help her cause. It was like the girl had a handbook on how to say the wrong things. 

Harry didn’t do those stupid step and repeats. While Katherine loved being the center of attention, it wasn’t something Harry desired. In actuality, he detested it. He hated paparazzi and had broken 2 cameras from having them in his face without a second glance. No aggression, the picture of calm with pure ice on his face as he did so. If they valued their possessions, they shouldn’t be shoving them in people’s way. That’s what he thought, at least. 

“I’ll be there in an hour. I’m not doing those photos. I don’t care what you do. Now stop calling me when I'm in the middle of things. You know if I don’t answer once, wait for further instruction.” He paused. “And stop calling me that childish nickname. I don’t find it cute or endearing, it’s embarrassing. Goodbye.”

There was a sharp squeak as he hung up the phone and threw it to the ground, rolling Y/N around onto her back and sliding his still sticky cock back inside of her yet again. His annoyance was clear on his face, but it quickly melted away as her arms wrapped around him and her lips covered his face with soft coos, legs pulling him in deeper. Maybe she was a bit sore, maybe his last load was still dripping out of her messy hole, but she knew exactly how the man needed to express himself. 

“I know.” Her silky voice wrapped around his tension and broke it down, slow thrusts inside of her quelling the bubbling irritation in his stomach and turning it into arousal. Y/N could read his stone cold features, knew what his eye twitch meant, the simple movement of a brow or the tiniest down or upturn of lip. This magnificent woman seemed to have him all figured out, and he felt like shit for having to leave and be seen with another woman. “I know, baby. Only a few more months.” Fingers stroked his hair back, guiding his lips to her own.

 He kissed her back, eyes squeezing shut as he allowed himself to lose the anger that had developed by focusing on her. The heat of her cunt wrapped up tight around him, snug. Fitting him perfectly, just as it always had. Y/N was the one he had wanted to take to these things, but he had to wait. For once, his patience wasn’t being practiced. 

The best thing in his life had to be hidden from most people, all because he had taken a stupid deal. He had to go out with the girl who thought she was going to be the next Mrs.Styles, while all he wanted to do was stay nestled in his luxury sheets with Y/N’s soft, supple body to worship. 

It was all his fault, though. 

He had always been ambitious. Ruthless, some may say, but he knew that to a degree he could be cruel to get what he wanted. That was how had been raised. His father had put that right into his head, doing anything for success, power, money… that’s how he ended up in this situation. 

In order to secure the deal of a lifetime, he had agreed to date the man’s daughter. Maybe that sounded cruel, but he knew the intentions from the get go. The man was using his conventionally pretty, high society daughter to try and sweeten the deal- but he knew the true motivation. An attempt to get him into the family and continue having control of the company through his daughter’s supposed relationship with him. If only he had been smarter, if he had done more research. He would know he was sending a sacrificial lamb right into Harry’s awaiting lion jaws. 

See, she had been no stranger to him. Katherine had been after him for quite a while. They were acquainted to a certain degree, running in similar circles and society dinners. The crush, more so the obsession she had with Harry had been no secret to anyone. She claimed to have been in love with him, but Harry knew what it truly was. A lust for money. An infatuation with the power he could secure her. She loved what Harry could represent for her, not only to secure place in the society she had been thrown into as she grew up- but to elevate it. She knew the score, knew what Harry’s ring could mean. 

Katherine knew nothing of his true personality, his likes, his dislikes, his jokes. All of those things were reserved for the tiniest selection of people that she only knew of in passing. His real friends barely touched that superficial, vapid, bitter world. Katherine’s family was new money, looking to secure their place in society. Harry’s wealth went in decades, and it would most likely stay that way. Her vying for his attention didn’t shock him in the slightest. 

The condition of dating Katherine for at least a year had been one he had wanted to scoff at, one he had wanted to tell Mr. Eugene Brant that it would be obvious what it was, but he was smart enough to bite his tongue and agree. Playing stupid was a superpower, letting him think he got one over on Harry and vastly overestimating his daughter’s appeal. One year of being toted around with her overly big smile and his signature scowl on his face hadn’t been an issue. It was something he would merely go through the motions of until the exact year was up and she would be out of his life. 

At least, it hadn’t been until he met Y/N. 

The first woman who had ever captured his heart and soul. Softened the edges of his razor sharp glare.

She hadn’t wanted to give him the time of day once she realized he had been flirting whilst not single. She hadn’t known the deceptive relationship and it hadn’t been her fault, but that didn’t mean Harry was going to leave well enough alone. Even after she had dumped her  Shirley temple on his brand new pure cotton button up. 

If anything, it made him want her more. 

One thing about Harry? He was going to get what he wanted. He would bet anything on it. He was patient, stubborn, and fixated. Checking guest lists to see if she’d be in attendance to parties, see if she was going to hang out with his friend group, he was on the prowl to get her to talk again. 

She had blocked his number already- he didn’t really have a chance to explain. He understood why, but that didn’t mean he was going to give up. 

When he finally did have the shot to tell her the relationship was a hoax, she was still doubtful. Dubious looks sent his way as he had pulled them into a private room of the club they were at- one his father owned, funnily enough- his hand holding hers as he sat beside her to plead his case. He was strong and defiant, insisting that it was a means to an end and there was no clause saying he couldn’t date other people- but he would like to get to know her on a real level. 

Against her better judgment, Y/N had fallen for the soft green eyes, the soft looking lips with the sharp cupid's bow and his even sharper tongue. Giving him one date was all he needed to get her on board. 

Fidelity wasn’t a term in the contract he had signed. Stupid, stupid mistake on Brant’s part. A new money, no lawyer to look over, a hasty mistake that would most definitely come to bite him in the ass. Harry hadn’t honored fidelity in the slightest even before he met Y/N. Sex was an outlet for him, as was the gym, things that were pleasurable and stress relieving. He’d only slept with Katherine a handful of times, tapering that off when he saw it made her get more and more attached. She had obviously known Harry had a reputation and while the sex had been alright, there hadn’t been much to his benefit besides the fact that she swallowed his load. 

Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard to find willing participants. 

Sex with Y/N had completely rocked his world. He thinks, in part, it was because they had a real connection. She made him wait, she made him work his way up to that if he wanted- and made him stop sex with anyone else. As if he had any interest in anyone else. Y/N had taken up the majority of his brain that wasn’t filled with revenue and contracts and contacts and emails. She was his escape. 

The first time they had sex, Harry had fallen for her. There was no question in his mind. Despite being positive that he wouldn’t ever marry for love, Y/N had him questioning that. She had flipped his entire world view upside down, made him weak in the knees. 

Y/N wasn’t in the public eye. Her family had some elite ties, but she was friends with a lot of the quietly wealthy people who didn’t feel the need to showcase it to everyone who looked with tacky labels and monograms. She’d gotten into one of the best schools, gotten her degree and continued her friendship with her roommates and best friends- who just happened to be the girlfriends of some of his best mates. The real ones. There were only a few single members of the groups, and Y/N had been the new blood that had people wondering. Harry had been interested immediately. 

It was about 4 months into their relationship and everything still felt fantastic. Y/N knew more about Harry than anyone else ever could. She was the one with the key to the future, even if she didn’t know the exact depths his feelings went to. 

“I don’t want to go.” His lips parted from hers. “I want to stay here… want to stay buried inside of you, want to feed you your chocolate and lick it from your tongue.” Inhaling his words, she moaned as his hips rolled and he found his home back at her most sensitive spot. He had spent hours finding it, claiming it, and he knew it was his. “Spent all week working… I just want my sweet Angel.”

Noses brushed against one another, Y/N’s bleary eyes opening up to look at his own. Hazy, dark green, hooded. She gently dragged her nails over his shoulder blades, arching up into him and pressed a bit harder on the skin to make him moan in surprise. “You have me, Harry.” She whispered. “You have me now. Leave with my traces on your cock… then come back and take more. We leave tomorrow… and you can hold me how you like. Kiss me. Our friends don’t care. They’ll keep our secret.” Even if it was forbidden, their tight knit group knew exactly what the relationship between Harry and Katherine really was- and none really liked her. They knew Y/N made him happy, softened him up, they’d all been rooting for this. Their safe space. The only ones who knew. 

“She won’t ever have me.” He reassured. “I’m yours. I want your marks on me.” Breathing harder, his thrusts getting a bit more deep. “Make me bleed. C’mon, my sweet girl. Paid for those nails… give me what I want.” Her cunt quivered around his prick, making him smile. She pretended not to like that sort of thing, but she got them done specifically for this. To quench his thirst for pain, for marks. They loved it. “She’ll never have me like this. I’m yours.” He whimpered, the freak of the bed and their noises filling the room. “M’yours, baby. My sweet Angel… stay in my bed and wait for me. I’ll give you everything. Just wait for me.” 

She would. She would wait for him, to be his fully, as long as it took.

[watchmegetobsessed]

DECODE

A/N: okay wow, it's actually here, but let me say a ew things first: i am no it proessional so there are some made up stuff so don't come after me if there are untrue things in the story lmao. also, the ending... im not entirely in peace with it, but i've been sitting on this story for way too long so i just bit my tongue and finised it. don't come after me if you don't like it... but anyway! hope it didn't turn out as bad and you'll enjoy the story!

WORD COUNT: 13.7k

SUMMARY: You're up for the promotion you've always dreamt about, but right when you need to prove everything goes downhill. Lucky for you the cute, quiet IT guy, Harry, is there to help you out.

MASTERLIST | SUPPORT ME!

There’s that feeling when you wake all by yourself, a moment of peace takes over you for not starting the day off with your one true enemy, the alarm, but then panic instantly stabs you in the chest when you realize it’s a weekday and there’s absolutely no way you just woke up before your alarm, feeling this rested. 

Your eyes pop open and you sit up in a frenzy looking around in the room, figuring out what happened and what should be done now. First you check the time on your phone and when you see that it reads 8:32 you almost start crying, but there’s no time for that, so you jump out of bed and sprint into the bathroom, stopping on the way when you spot Eric in the hallway, fully dressed, ready to leave.

“Eric?! Why didn’t you wake me up?!” you snap at him. He turns to you with innocence all over his face.

“I thought you were off today,” he simply says.

“Off?! We have the board meeting today, how could I be off!” you practically scream as you rush into the bathroom to get ready in less than two minutes hopefully.

“I’m sorry!” he calls out from outside. “I’ll see you in the office!”

And the next thing you hear is the front door opening and closing.

“Motherfu…” you mumble as you start washing your face like a crazy woman.

You leave in ten minutes, but you’re fifteen minutes late already, no matter how magically fast you got ready. You don’t have time to get a bagel for breakfast and you’re already halfway into the office when you realize you left your lunch at home too. You somehow shorten the route and win a few minutes on your way in, but you still arrive ten minutes late, looking like a hot mess, completely out of control as you make your way to the twentieth floor to your desk, pretending you haven’t just had the absolute worst morning of your life. 

The elevator almost closes right in front of you, but before you could smash against the sliding doors a hand sticks out and stops it, letting you slip in last minute.

“Ah, thank you,” you breathe out, your purse sliding off your shoulder and your folder almost falls from your hands.

“N-No problem,” a sweet and smooth voice answers, but your hair is such a mess, it covers your vision and you don’t see the kind man that saved you a few minutes with his move. The moment the elevator arrives to your floor you jump out and rush towards your desk.

“You alright, boss?” Zaya, your intern asks, who is more like a personal assistant at this point. She eyes you curiously from her desk as you gasp for air and try to soothe out the wrinkles on your blouse, though there’s absolutely no use in it. 

“Everything is perfectly fine,” you force a smile on your face as you start your computer, emails flowing in like crazy the moment you open your inbox. “Just had a rough morning.”

With Zaya’s help you go through everything at light speed, it’s one of your biggest strengths, being fast and productive, so in just about twenty minutes you reduce the thirty-seven unread emails to just two. 

You’ve cleared your schedule beforehand so you can have a practice run for your big presentation. Today’s board meeting is gonna be an important one. There’s a promotion at risk, one you’ve been working your ass off to get and now it’s so close, you can almost feel it between your fingertips. This presentation and what stands behind it all is what you’ve worked for night and day for the past month and you have never been more confident in yourself, though you can’t shake the general nervousness off.

You make your test run to Zaya who says her mind is blown and there’s no chance you won’t get the promotion. 

“You got it, boss,” she fist bumps you, something you’ve grown to like, it’s her form of appreciation. 

“I hope so,” you sigh. “Alright, I’ll grab a coffee quickly before the meeting.”

You head a few levels down to the main kitchen area that has the best coffee machine in the building. It’s already past the morning rush, so you’re delighted to see that there are just a few people lingering around. Including Eric.

“Hey!” you huff out a smile as you stand next to him at the coffee machine. He peeks at you, just a tiny smile on his lips, but it doesn’t reach his eyes like usual.

“Hey.”

“If you’re curious, I was only just a bit late this morning,” you chuckle to yourself, grabbing a cup while Eric waits for his own coffee to get ready. 

“Mm, great. Sorry about… the morning.”

“It’s okay, are you nervous? About the presentation?”

Funny enough you’re running for the promotion against Eric, the guy you’ve been hooking up for the past few months. It’s nothing serious, no strings attached, mostly just sex, though you believe that if you spend at least three nights together every week and spend time outside of bed as well, that has to mean more than just a regular hook up.

Right?

“Not really,” he shrugs, but it doesn’t sound genuine.

“It’s okay, you’ll do good,” you smile at him warmly as you place your hand on his arm and give it a squeeze, but you’re surprised when he moves out of your touch, shooting you a look.

“Not… in the office, Y/N,” he grits through his teeth, looking around to check if anyone saw the tiny gesture while you’re just blinking at him dumbly.

Yes, you usually keep your… whatever it is out of the office, but he hasn’t been this distant to you before. Before you could ask his phone starts ringing and he mumbles an apology before running off.

You write it off as nerves, you know Eric to be highly competitive, it must be a new field for him as well, running against someone he is involved with. 

Your heart is racing when you enter the boardroom, welcoming the people that will decide your future at the company, the CEO, the CFO, the head of marketing and a few others you’re not that familiar with, but you know they have power.

For the promotion you had to come up with a plan to boost the numbers on the website that hasn’t been doing much lately. You worked up a plan for a marketing strategy that would reach the target audience in a better way, it’s pretty awesome, you’re quite proud of it and you’re convinced you’ll kick ass with your presentation.

There are a few more minutes left until the meeting, you pour yourself some water and go ahead to open your slides on your computer so you have it all ready when it’s your turn.

“What… Oh no,” you whisper, when your computer starts lagging and the cursor freezes. “No, no, no!”

“Everything alright, Miss?” the CFO notices your panic.

“Yes!” you force a smile on your face. “Everything is… perfect.”

He nods and turns back to his previous conversation while your panic intensifies. You keep pushing buttons and trying to move the cursor, but it looks pretty dead, so you decide to shut it down and try to restart it, hopefully it will come back from the dead. 

Eric strides into the room, but as he takes his seat he doesn’t even look at you, just sets out his own laptop and paper notes and stares ahead of him. No matter how you try to catch his attention, he ignores you fully and it’s just another punch in your stomach.

What the hell is happening?

“Alright, everyone ready?” Daniel, the CEO claps his hands together. “Eric, you’re up first,” he gestures at him and while you’re still desperately trying to revive your computer. 

Eric sets up and when his presentation appears behind him your stomach drops instantly. 

The title, the topic, the colors… everything. You know all of it, because… because you made it. It’s yours.

You forget about your computer as Eric starts talking and he presents your idea, everything you came up with and worked hard on, he hasn’t changed a bit about it and now he is making it look like it’s his own. If you were panicking before now you’re about to set on fire.

That would be probably nice, because you wouldn’t have to go up there and most likely embarrass yourself. 

How did he get your presentation? Why did he steal it? You can’t blame him just out of the blue, you need proof and right now the only device that could have it is dead in front of you. 

You are so screwed. 

“ Holy fucking shit, oh my God!” you keep mumbling under your breath as you approach your desk, holding your dead computer to your chest, eyes wide from what you just went through.

“Boss? You alright?” Zaya’s eyes widen when she sees you all shocked and traumatized.

“No! I’m anything but alright!”

Luckily, the small meeting room near your desk is vacant so you’re quick to take it, Zaya following you right after, shutting the door closed so you can unleash fully.

“Oh my God I can’t fucking believe him! The asshole! How did he fucking do it?!” you snap, throwing everything to the table so you can anxiously start pacing the floor with your hands on your hips. “I cannot believe this, what the hell!”

“Y/N, what happened? You’re starting to scare me,” Zaya eyes you and she actually looks scared which is a new thing, the girl is fearless.

“Eric! He stole my… my whole fucking presentation!” you whisper-yell, throwing your hands up into the air. “Every slide! Every detail! It was all mine! And he sold it as his own!”

“W-what? But… how? And what did you present then?”

“I have no idea! He was up first, as we all knew ahead of time, he went up there, opened his presentation and it was mine! I thought I was about to fall off my seat, fucking hell,” you groan, rubbing your face with your hands. Thanks to your rushed morning you’re not wearing any makeup today so at least you can’t turn yourself into a panda bear. “My laptop died right before the meeting started so I could use it as an excuse and… fuck, I made up a whole other plan on the spot!” You’re about to start hyperventilating, maybe even crying which you’ve never ever done at work before.

“But… that’s good, right? That you came up with something new?” Zaya tries to see the bright side of it, but you shake your head violently.

“You know what I came up with? I said I’m planning to rebuild the whole fucking website! All of it!”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes! I basically set myself up for failure!”

Everyone knows a full makeover could easily be a death sentence, especially with such a short notice. You have no structure to it, no plan and most importantly no IT support to do the actual work. Because you can dream up any idea, but you cannot actually write the code for it. 

Zaya tries to cheer you up but you both know you’re not only knee high, but probably neck high in deep shit. She promises to take up extra hours to help you figure out what to do and though it’s nice, the situation still feels pretty much lost.

You’re on the verge of tears when you make your way to the IT department to have your computer checked out, which is still pretty much dead. You’re already dreading the interaction, Steven, the head of the IT department is a real pain in the ass, he never wants to actually help with anything so it’s always a fight to get things done with him. 

When you walk into their office he is the first one you see and you almost groan out loud, but manage to keep quiet as you approach him.

“Hi Steven, do you happen to have a moment?” you ask, as politely and nicely as you can in the light of what just happened, but apparently it’s not enough for him, because the look he gives you makes you want to turn around and run away.

“What’s the matter?” he grimaces, fixing his glasses as he leans back in his seat.

“My laptop just died,” you hold up the device. 

He stares at you, then at your laptop and then his eyes flicker back to you and he stays silent for what feels like forever before he speaks up.

“I have no time for this now,” he says, returning to his own computer and your shoulders fall forward in defeat, but then he speaks up again. “Go to the back and ask for Styles.”

“Thank you,” you breathe out and are already on your way away from his desk.

Maneuvering between the desks you’re trying to find out who’s Styles or who to even ask to tell you where to find him and you’re just about to stop at one of the desks when you see a big screen, a sticker on the back of it that says H. Styles, so you make your way over there.

As you’re approaching the desk a head full of chocolate curls appear and soon you spot the guy sitting behind the screen, peering up at you with curious, green eyes from behind his glasses.

“Are you… Styles?” you ask, feeling weird that you only know his family name. He stares at you for a second with wide eyes and you start to think you’ve got the wrong guy, but then he nods, the curls bouncing along with the movement.

“Y-yeah. I’m Harry Styles.”

“Great! Steven said you might be able to have a look at my computer, it’s completely dead.”

“Sure,” he clears his throat as he pushes back from the desk while you round it to give the laptop to him. “W-what happened?” he asks as he opens it up and tries to turn it on, but the screen remains black.

“Um, basically it froze right before the most important presentation of my life and then it died and hasn't turned on since then,” you summarize with a sad smile as you watch him grab some kind of cable to connect your laptop with his computer.

Harry hums as he opens some kind of program that has a long, complicated looking code running in front of him and he clicks and searches in it so easily as if he was reading a children’s book. 

“Is it fully dead?” you ask after a couple of minutes. 

“No, but you got a virus, it might take some time to restore everything and some files might not make it, I’m sorry.”

You let out a shaky breath, feeling like crying again, but you manage to swallow them back as you lean against the edge of Harry’s desk. He looks up at you like a frightened kid.

“I-I can try to get everything back, I promise, it’s just that–”

“No, I know it’s not up to you. Thank you though. I’m just on the verge of… would it be weird if I started screaming right now?” you ask rhetorically as you pinch the bridge of your nose. 

“I can set up another one for you to use with all the access cloned from yours, but you won’t have the files in the meantime.”

“That would be wonderful, thank you.”

“Is there any file in particular you want me to try to recover?”

“There’s this folder that would be nice if I had it, here, this is the name,” you say as you grab a post-it and a pen and scribble the name down with all the files in it. 

“Okay, I will try to restore it. Give me a few minutes to set your replacement computer up.”

Nodding sadly you wait by Harry’s desk, watching him work on his computer like it’s an instrument and he is pretty much a professional. You know nothing about programming, but Harry seems like a wizard, you have no idea why Steven makes him deal with all the tiny things when he could pretty much redeem the world. 

“Here, this is the password, everything is set up,” he hands you the new computer.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll give you an email when I have something about your old one.”

“Okay, my address is–”

“I know, I just… I literally just logged you into your account,” he reminds me with a shy smile and you realize he’s right.

“Oh. I forgot. Well, thank you so much, Harry. And I’m sorry you have to deal with it now.”

“It’s fine, I’m the newest on the team, this is how it goes. Rookies get to deal with all the device issues,” he chuckles shortly.

You nod with a sympathetic smile and pay one last look to your savior. He looks young, around your age, but he’s sporting a slight stubble that adds some harshness to his otherwise boyish face. He’s got kind eyes behind his glasses, the prettiest pink lips you’ve ever seen on a man and his curls are screaming to be touched, though you’re not sure HR would take it well if you were just walking around the office, touching people’s hair. Oddly, it wouldn’t be the first time they would have to deal with a situation like this. Bobby DeMarco was a weird dude who worked in sales and he had an even weirder obsession with playing with women’s hair randomly. He didn’t last too long at the company, luckily.

When you return to your desk it takes everything in you to focus on working and A, not find Eric to claw his eyes out and B, not anxiously wait to hear anything from the board about today’s meeting. They are supposed to give feedback today and approve if you can continue working on your project and they can easily just kick you out of the whole thing as well. If that happened Eric would still have to prove himself to be a good fit for the role, but you’d have no chance to ever step up at the company.

You’re a mess, to say the least. You’re panicking over having to do a full website makeover in just a month, you have no idea where you stand with Eric and honestly, you’re torn between never wanting to talk to him and also screaming at him until your lungs give up.

God, your sister will be so mad, she was right! Jeanie warned you. She said it right at the beginning when you started hooking up with Eric that it’s not gonna end well, but you thought she was talking about being dumped eventually, not getting your promotion stolen from you!

When Zaya comes up to you with a question later in the day you’re still so shaken up you can barely make out an answer for her.

“I think you should report it,” she suggests, holding her notebook to her chest.

“And what do I have as proof? My computer is totally dead with all the evidence I made the presentation,” you groan, leaning back in your seat.

“Let’s hope the hot IT guy can restore everything.”

“Hot?” you chuckle. “How do you know he’s hot?”

“You said it’s Harry doing it, right? Curly hair, glasses?” You nod. “I know him, he is definitely hot,” she shrugs smirking, shifting her weight to one leg. “You know what would be nice? Hooking up with him to get revenge on Eric!”

“H-Hooking up? Why would Eric care about who I hook up with?” you clear your throat, pretending like you haven’t had a thing going on with Eric these past months. Zaya gives you a look that clearly says you shouldn’t think she’s stupid and blind.

“Please, Y/N.”

Sighing you roll your eyes as you give up the act.

“Judging from the betrayal Eric gives absolutely no shit about me.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” she shrugs just when your computer pings, signaling two new emails in your inbox.

One from the board and one from Harry.

“Oh shit,” you gasp as you lean forward so fast you almost fall off your seat and Zaya runs behind your desk to see what’s happening as you open the email from the board.

Your eyes skim over the lines several times before you finally process what was written in it.

They approved your plan. You’re still up for the promotion.

“Congrats! You made it!” Zaya cheers.

“Fuck,” you whisper under your breath.

“What’s wrong? I thought this was what you wanted.”

“The chance and the promotion? Yes. But now I have to do a full website makeover in a month which is practically impossible.”

You’re still moping and silently panicking when you’re approaching Harry’s desk for the second time today. When he sees you he jumps to his feet and you almost break a smile because he looks like a puppy for a second, but then you see that he has taken his sweatshirt off, wearing only a simple black t-shirt that puts his tattoo littered arms on display.

Fuck, Zaya was right. He really is kinda hot.

“Hey,” he waves at you when you finally reach his desk.

“Hi, how did it go?” you ask with a deep breath.

“Actually kinda good, I could save most of your stuff,” he says as he sits back and you walk behind his desk, seeing your laptop still wired to his computer. “I saved the files onto a harddrive, but I don’t recommend you to keep using the laptop, it’s… it’s pretty fried,” he chuckles, pushing the glasses further up on the bridge of his nose and for a moment you just stare at his side profile instead of focusing on what he’s showing you on his screen.

“Uh, that’s okay, I’ll be fine with the files,” you clear your throat.

“So um… I don’t know if it matters or not, but I-I thought you might want to know that you didn’t just get the virus because you clicked on something, it was… well, someone put it on your computer and it started attacking the firmware.”

You blink a few times as you process his words and then it all starts to make sense.

“What do you mean someone put it on my computer?”

“Well, there was a malware hidden on your computer that basically attacked the firmware which made it impossible for you to use the laptop and it also attacked the files saved, I found an implanted code that was giving access to–”

“Harry, I don’t really understand what you’re saying,” you remind him, his words sounding absolutely foreign to you.

“Sorry,” he breathes out with a nod. “So basically, the virus stopped your computer from working and it also gave access to a third party to reach your files.”

“So someone could use my files?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

You feel like fainting again, because now it all makes sense. And you’re starting to see red.

“Can you see what files they messed with?”

“Actually, I’m glad you asked,” he smiles proudly. “I was able to find everything they duplicated and there’s a folder they tried to get rid of, but I restored it.”

“Is it by any chance the folder I gave the name to you?”

“It is,” he nods, his fingers starting to type on his keyboard at lightspeed. “Here. See these lines?” he asks, pointing at a code you understand nothing of, but you nod. “It’s basically something they should have paid attention to if they wanted to leave no trace, but I found it so now we know what they were trying to put their hands on. I even have time stamps too. The virus was on your computer for a while and then it was activated to attack the firmware today.”

This is all like a movie, it feels like you’re in Mission Impossible or James Bond, except it’s not a great villain who is working against you but the guy you trusted to let into your bed. The guy you considered your friend and even something more than just that lately.

You made a mistake, you see it now and you want to dwell on it but you know you have no time for that, you have to keep moving forward.

“Do you know who did it?”

“Unfortunately, no. I could only get proof if I had access to the other person’s computer who was hacking yours. I’m sorry.”

Harry seems genuinely sad, as if he failed, but he did so much for you already.

“It’s okay. Thank you so much, can you… like, make a record of all these? So we have all this as proof at least.”

“Already done,” he nods. “Do you want me to file a report?”

“No. No need for that,” you shake your head. “But… I want to ask a favor from you. I know we barely know each other and you probably have a lot of work, so feel free to say no.”

“What is it?”

“Do you want to help me redesign our whole website?”

You’re anxiously chewing on your bottom lip as you wait for the Skype call to be answered, your sister’s name flashing on the screen until her pixelated face replaces it.

And she looks mad, just as you expected.

“Y/N, I told you so! I literally told you so!” she starts off, the voice cracks a bit as the call stabilizes.

“Can we skip the part where you tell me off like a child for hooking up with a coworker who ended up fucking me over?” you flash a smile, but she rolls her eyes at you, leaning back on her couch, her right side getting more illuminated by the lamp beside her couch. It’s past seven in the evening in Tokyo while it’s just six am for you. For the past six months this has been your usual, trying to call each other at a time that’s reasonable for the both of you with the insane thirteen hours of time difference. It’s definitely a hard task and sometimes you have to plan a call days, even weeks ahead.

“No, because I’m so mad!” she groans. “Mostly at the fucker, but you as well!”

“I really don’t need to hear how much I fucked up,” you mumble, looking down at your lap.

“Sorry,” she sighs, realizing she is making you feel even guiltier. “I’m just… you worked so hard for this and now he is ruining it.”

“I’m still up for the promotion,” you shrug.

“Yeah, but you said it’s almost impossible to do what you presented.”

“Well, things are looking a bit better now.”

She listens intently as you tell her about what Harry found on your computer and how you ended up asking him to help you out. You truly didn’t think he would say yes, but he didn’t even think about it before agreeing. So now you have the IT part covered by him, you just have to come up with all the rest.

“This Harry guy…” Sammy starts and you hold up your hand.

“Don’t give me the speech again, I learned my lesson.”

“No, actually I wanted to say that I like him.”

“For real?” you ask, raising your eyebrows. 

“I mean, he is willing to work an immense amount of extra time on your project and he basically has no benefit from it. I hope you do realize how big of a sacrifice he is making for your promotion.”

You knew how big of a deal it has been from Harry to help you out but now that Sammy said it out loud, realization hits. It’s not right he gets nothing out of it, so you note to yourself to go over it with him when you meet him in the morning for your first planning session.

“I’ll talk to him about it. Now let’s talk about something else.”

Harry was afraid he wouldn’t be able to wake up so early in the morning and make it into the office for the meeting with you, but it turns out his excitement to be working with you is kicking him out of bed even before his alarm goes off. 

He does his usual morning routine, shower, get dressed, breakfast and checking he has everything he needs in his backpack for the day and then he’s on his way. When he walks into the café that’s two blocks away from his apartment the bell gently chimes above his head, catching the attention of the owner, Frida. 

“Harry! You’re up early today!” she greets him with a beaming smile, her grey hair is in her signature low bun, her blue eyes twinkling at the sight of him.

“I have an early meeting,” he mumbles with a shy smile, the tip of his ears turning red and she doesn’t miss it, but she knows how closed off he is so she doesn’t even try to tease her about it. 

“The usual?”

“Um, yeah, but can you make it two?”

“Of course,” she nods with a knowing smile, her suspicion is getting proven that this early meeting is with someone special. 

The two chat lightly while Friday makes the coffees to go, handing the paper cups to Harry once they’re done.

“Have a lovely day, Harry,” she waves after him and he nods back, pushing the door open with his hips, a cup in each of his hands.

He can’t deny there’s a pep in his step as he enters the building that’s eerily empty so early in the morning. He did not expect his day to take such an unexpected turn yesterday. He’s seen you around the office a few times before but he knew nothing about you, just that your laughter is ridiculously contagious. Then you jumped into the elevator with him in the morning, looking a bit messy but very pretty nevertheless. He could only blink as the elevator sped up and moments later you were out of sight.

But then you strolled into the IT department with your ruined computer and he finally learned your name. While he wanted to help with your laptop as much and fast as possible, he was also dreading the moment you’d pick the harddrive up with all your files and then never talk to him again. He felt silly, crushing on a woman he only officially met just a few hours before, but he couldn’t help it. Even when you were visibly stressed and worried he thought you were enchanting. 

He was not expecting you to ask for his help, but luckily his brain clicked instantly and agreed without hesitation. For one, he’s been dealing with boring projects as the rookie on the team and this seems like a great challenge for him. 

On the other hand, he would have said yes to anything you asked him, literally. 

So now as he walks into the meeting room where you’re supposed to meet his excitement is mixed with some anxiety, because as much as he is curious about this project he is nervous to spend so much time with you all of a sudden. He can only hope he won’t seem like a freak to you.

Thanks to the early Skype session with Sammy you’re on time too, arriving to the office building just minutes after Harry. He’s setting his laptop up when you arrive, his head snapping up when you approach the desk and take the seat next to him.

“Morning,” you smile at him warmly.

“Good morning,” he smiles back, fixing his glasses to sit straight before reaching for the extra cup of coffee. “Um, I brought you this. Actually, I realized too late that I don’t know how you like your coffee, so y-you don’t have to drink it…”

“Oh! That’s very kind, thank you! I drink coffee however I can,” you chuckle. “I just need the caffeine.”

You see a small smile flash across his face before he returns to his computer while you settle next to him. 

“Before we start, I wanted to go over something with you.” Harry turns to you curiously as you try to figure out what to even say. “This is a huge thing and I know it needs a lot of time and work. I don’t feel comfortable letting you do it without getting anything for the work you do.”

“Oh, I-I don’t need anything, I’m glad to help.”

“That’s very kind, but it still doesn’t feel fair. If there is anything I can do for you, literally anything, just feel free to ask. I would feel better if I knew you’re getting your reward for your work.”

Harry thinks about it for a few seconds before nodding to himself.

“Do I have to come up with something now?”

“No,” you chuckle. “Just promise me you’ll think of some way I can pay you back.”

“Okay.”

In the next hour you learn two things. One, working with Harry is incredibly easy. He is efficient, communicates well and simply a great at teamwork, it’s like a breath of fresh air after some of the people you’ve previously worked with.

The other thing you learn is that he is incredibly smart and it makes him very… sexy.

God, you shouldn’t be having these thoughts after what happened with Eric, but you’re not immune to a good-looking man with so much knowledge, especially when it’s in IT. You know nothing about coding and when he pulls up his miles long codes, types quietly for a few minutes and then shows you what he did, explaining to you the science behind it… it’s making you feel things you shouldn’t be. It’s so attractive when someone knows so much about something and they’re passionate and devoted to the field. It’s clear that Harry’s field is programming and he is ridiculously good at it. 

You were afraid the task would turn out to be impossible and every time he spends just a little more time silently staring at his code you’re expecting him to give up and tell you he can’t do it.

But he comes up with something every time and by the time the meeting ends you feel oddly enthusiastic and optimistic about the whole makeover that was scaring you to death just yesterday.

“Harry, you are… truly a life saver,” you sigh contently as you lean back in your seat, a long list of tasks on your screen, but you can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel now. 

“I’m happy to help,” he smiles shyly, nodding to himself. 

“Do not forget about the payment, I really want to pay it all back to you.”

“I won’t, I promise,” he chuckles softly.

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Tomorrow,” he confirms before packing up his stuff and leaving.

You stay in your seat for a little longer, just having a break before starting your actual work day. Opening up your calendar you check what meetings you have today and that’s when you face what you’ve been religiously ignoring since yesterday’s ordeal.

The weekly marketing sync where most of the time it’s just you and Eric, because Dominik, the third person who should be present likes to cancel last minute. 

It’s ridiculous that you still haven’t gotten into contact with him. Part of you was expecting him to come to you, to give you any kind of explanation though there is nothing he could have said that would have explained why he did all of that.

It’s been radio silence on his part and now you have to face him and talk to him.

You’d rather throw up in the middle of the office than do it, but you have to suck it up and deal with him.

He is there in the meeting room when you walk in, typing away on his computer like nothing happened, like he didn’t just try to ruin your career.

“Eric?” you call out, your voice sounds a lot more confident than you were expecting luckily.

He looks up, his face remains completely blank and it just angers you even more.

“Hey,” he nods without batting an eye.

“Hey?” you chuckle, as you close the door behind you, shutting you away from the rest of the people outside. “Don’t you have something to say to me?”

“Y/N, do you really want to do this?” he sighs, as if it was tiring to even think about the situation.

“Eric, you stole my whole presentation and sold it as yours!”

“Are you sure about that?”

You’re seeing red. And you’ve never been this close to actually punching someone in the face. 

“Of course I’m sure about it! That was my presentation! Are you fucking kidding me?!”

Eric stands from his seat, taking his sweet time as he walks closer, trying to intimidate you with the height difference, which used to work, you even found it hot when he towered over you, but now it’s like his existence is giving you the ick.

“You have no proof, Y/N. And you didn’t say a word at the meeting. That ship has sailed, now it’s time to move on.”

“It was all just a joke to you?”

“I told you at the beginning I didn’t want anything serious, that wasn’t a lie.”

“But did you do it just to fuck my presentation up? We literally started hooking up when the open position was announced.”

“Does it matter?”

“It does!” you laugh in disbelief, tears stinging your eyes, but you refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry because of him.

“Okay,” he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just wanted to get to know you and see what you’d come up with for the presentation, but then one thing followed the other and… I went with it.” He shrugs and then goes back to his computer like you just discussed the weather and not how he used you and then threw you away.

You can’t hold yourself together any longer, so you turn around and get as far from him as possible as you try not to start sobbing in the middle of the office. Fuck, this shouldn’t hurt this much, but you really trusted him, you thought you could have something serious, you were hoping Sammy wouldn’t be right about him, but she was. Unfortunately.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you mumble under your breath as you approach your desk Zaya is not in today, so it’s pretty calm around your desk, but then you spot someone lingering there.

“Y/N?” Harry sees how shaken you look as you finally reach him at your desk. “A-Are you alright?”

“Hi Harry,” you force a smile out, but you can’t fool anyone with it. “Did we… Do we have a meeting or something?”

“No, I just wanted to show something… Y/N, are you about to cry?””

“N-No,” you shake your head, but your lips are already wobbling and you fail to prove your words right.

“Uh, come on, let’s have a break. Want to come up to the roof?” He gently circles an arm around your shoulders and you let him lead you back to the elevators.

“Roof? We can go out to the roof?” you ask, wiping your tears away.

He doesn’t reply, just makes sure to shield you from the curious eyes as you make your way up to the top of the building. You genuinely didn’t know the roof could be used and when you see Harry push the heavy door open that leads outside you’re guessing it’s not exactly a public spot, but you don’t question it.

It looks just like how a rooftop should look, it’s definitely not open for public use but when Harry leads you over the corner and you see a little bench there, facing the panoramic view, you know you have just found a secret spot.

“Is this where you hide from Steven?” you attempt to joke as you sit down with him. 

“Sometimes, yes,” he chuckles. “Not my spot though, I think the janitor comes up here to smoke, but I haven’t run into him yet.”

You sit in silence, Harry gives you time and space to pull yourself together, not rushing you to talk at all and you’re grateful for his patience. Staring ahead at the view you take a few deep breaths, telling yourself not to let Eric’s bullshit get to your head. 

“I’m sorry you had to… deal with my tantrum,” you chuckle sadly at last. 

“That wasn’t a tantrum,” he smiles softly. “And don’t be sorry, everyone could have a bad day. Want to talk about what happened?”

“I trusted the wrong person,” you purse your lips. “Um, the virus you found on my computer. Someone from the company put it there to fuck up my chances for a promotion I’ve been dreaming of for a long time.”

“What? Are you… are you serious?”

“Yeah and the worst part is that… god, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been kind of… hooking up with him and he said it was all just to get closer to me.”

Harry opens his mouth to say something, but then ends up closing it, processing what you just told him. You don’t blame him for being lost and confused, it’s a shitshow, to say the least. 

“That’s… That’s awful, I’m sorry,” he clears his throat, gently shaking his head. 

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” you chuckle. “I trusted the wrong person. Learned my lesson,” you shrug, and you wish you could actually end it all in your head with that, but you know it will bother you for a while at least. 

“Can I ask who this person is?”

“Eric Sonders.”

“I think… I know him. Didn’t think he could be this… vile.”

“Me neither!” you laugh. 

“So… he stole your idea and presentation, so now you have to do something else? And that’s the makeover?”

Nodding you briefly tell him what happened at the meeting, he listens intently and then shakes his head in disapproval, probably just as upset and lost about Eric’s behavior as you are. 

“You should report him, this is incredibly unethical and unacceptable.”

“I have no proof. We can’t prove that he did it all to my computer, you said it yourself.”

“Shit, you’re right.”

While Harry is deep in his thoughts you just stare ahead of yourself, doing a short assessment of your current situation. This should have been an exciting, professionally challenging time in your life, working on something that would earn you your promotion, but now, you feel like it’s more out of your reach than ever.

“We’ll make it work,” Harry speaks up, as if he could read your mind. “We can do it.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah. It’s gonna be a tight stretch, but… It’s not impossible.”

“You are truly a life saver for agreeing to do it, Harry. I have no idea what I would do without you.”

He turns to you with a sheepish smile and you notice the slight pink shade on his cheeks as he nods.

“I’m happy to help.”

Part of you knew this would be deadly, but even after expecting the worst, it hits you like a train.

In the next two weeks you feel like you spend every waking moment working on the project with Harry. Sometimes you do it together, sharing ideas, discussing them, sometimes you’re together but work in silence and sometimes you do it apart. Whichever it is, you eat, drink and dream with the new website.

While Harry is taking care of the coding, you do everything else, that means content writing, planning, organizing and also designing. It’s been ages since the last time you designed anything, once upon a time you thought you’d end up in that field, but then somehow marketing came into the picture and now you have to combine your two passions. 

It’s destroying you absolutely, but slowly it’s starting to add up and you can see the progress. 

On a Friday evening you’re still in the office after seven, practically everyone has left by now, but you’re deep in work with Harry beside you. It's one of those quiet sessions, when you’re working together, but only speak when there’s an issue. Neither of you said anything for about an hour when the silence is interrupted by Harry’s ringing phone.

“Ah, sorry,” he mumbles, jumping in his seat at the sudden noise as he reaches for the phone, checking the caller ID before his eyes go wide. “Oh shit,” he mumbles and you look up at him as he answers the call. “Hey Mitch!”

You hear a voice from the phone, but it’s too muffled for you to make out what they are saying.

“Um, I’m kind of still at the office… No, I didn’t forget!” he protests, but the look on his face clearly tells you he did forget something. “I-I don’t know… Yeah, I’ve been just working with Y/N… No, I won’t– Mitch… No!... Uh, okay…”

He holds the phone away from his ear, covering the mic with a hand as he looks at you with anxious eyes, he looks like a reindeer caught in headlights. 

“Um, I forgot I was supposed to meet two of my friends for a few drinks. Is it okay if I leave now?”

“Oh God, of course! Harry, it’s so late, I shouldn’t have kept you here so long.”

“You didn’t keep me,” he chuckles, before the worried look returns to his face. “Actually, would you… I mean only if you want to–So do you maybe… want to come?”

It’s adorable how he stumbles over his own words and you see the familiar pink shade tinting his face again, it’s a color you’ve seen a lot lately and you’ve grown to quite like it. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to intrude on your time with your friends.”

“You wouldn’t intrude, I mean, I’m asking because I want you to join, obviously.”

“I-I’ll just go home and work some more, it’s fine–”

“Y/N, we’ve been working all day,” he chuckles. “You deserve some free time as well.”

You think of his words, these two weeks has been so busy you didn’t even do anything else than working and sleeping practically. Some off time would be actually amazing for your fried brain.

“Only if you truly don’t mind,” you say at last.

“Let’s pack then,” he beams with a smile as he shuts his computer down.

Twenty minutes later you’re walking into a bar you’ve never been to, joining Harry’s friends for drinks and though you can’t put your finger on it, but for some reason you feel a bit anxious. 

“Hey guys,” Harry waves at a couple sitting in a dimly lit booth. The woman is the first one to look at you with a beaming, bright smile as she slides out and holds her hand out for you.

“Hi! You must be Y/N! I’m Sarah and this is my husband, Mitch,”

“It’s nice to meet you,” you breathe out as you shake hands with Mitch as well.

You’re instantly bombarded with questions from Sarah as you slip into the booth and don’t even notice that Harry leaves and then returns with two drinks.

“Oh, thank you,” you smile at him as he sits beside you.

“So how is the project going?” Mitch speaks up, lazily draping an arm to the back of the seat behind Sarah.

“It’s going good,” Harry hums with a small nod, very humble about how much he has gotten done in just the first week.

“Mostly because of Harry’s hard work,” you add, praising him the way he deserves and it brings back that pink shade to his cheeks.

Sarah and Mitch are very easy to talk to, they seem curious about the projects the two of you are working on and just you in general. You’re having a great time hanging out with them and you feel like you’ve known them for a long time even though you literally just met.

You don’t even notice how time flies by, only when Sarah checks the time and lets Mitch know that they need to be heading home so the babysitter can leave.

“It was really nice meeting you, Y/N. I hope we can do this some other time,” Sarah hugs you.

“If Harry doesn’t mind me interrupting his time with his friends, then I’m in,” you chuckle, looking at the man in question who just shakes his head with a shy smile, letting you know he definitely does not mind.

“Alright, then it’s settled!”

They say their goodbye to Harry as well and suddenly it’s just the two of you in the booth and Harry is noticeably more nervous than before.

“Um, w-we don’t have to stay, if you want to go home, you co–”

“I’m happy to stay, Harry,” you smile at him without hesitation. He seems surprised, but excited at your answer.

You order another round of drinks and with the previous ones already consumed, it seems like Harry is slowly opening up, leaving his shyness behind and you get to have a peek behind his walls. The more you find out about him the more sure you get that he is truly an amazing, brilliant person and you wish you had met him earlier.

Maybe then you wouldn’t have fallen for Eric’s bullshit. Maybe then you would have fallen for him.

The drinks you’ve had don’t actually let it register, but you’re already developing a crush on him. How could you not? He is sweet, caring, smart, very thoughtful, basically the polar opposite of Eric. It’s making you question what you even saw in that asshole, you really put the bar too low.

“Oh shit, it’s already three in the morning,” you chuckle, when you finally check the time. “I should head home, I can’t sleep all day tomorrow,” you sigh, rubbing your face with your hands, realizing just how tired you feel. 

“I’ll call an Uber, is it okay if we share one?”

“It’s more than okay,” you smile at him lazily.

Minutes later you’re out in front of the bar, waiting for the ride to arrive. It has gotten significantly chillier, you did not dress for a night out so you’re holding your blazer jacket tight on yourself. When Harry notices he shrugs off his jean jacket without a word and drapes it over your shoulders.

“No, you’ll be cold!” you try to protest, but he shakes his head.

“I have a hoodie in my backpack,” he shrugs and pulls out a black hoodie, putting it on right when a car pulls up in front of you.

“Thank you for inviting me out tonight,” you quietly speak up on the backseat of the Uber, staring at Harry’s dimly lit handsome face. His glasses slid down on the bridge of his nose and you had enough drinks to have the courage to reach out and push them back gently. The gesture seemingly surprised him, but he doesn’t protest, just keeps his eyes focused on you.

“It was nice hanging out with you outside of the office.”

“Now we know we have things to talk about outside of the project,” you chuckle, making him grin as well. “We’re a great duo, Harry.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t sure about it at first, I have never had to work this closely together with an IT guy and I was afraid I might be too intense for you. But it all turned out so good, I like spending time with you.”

“Really?”

“Is it that surprising?” you chuckle, letting your head fall back and rest on the back of the seat. “You’re a cool guy, Harry Styles. And very handsome.”

The last comment rolls off your tongue before you could bite it back and though it’s too dark to see it, you just know he is all blushed. Before any of you could speak up, the car comes to a stop, you’ve arrived at your building. Harry gets out of the car with you and walks you up to the door. 

“See you on monday?” he shyly kicks the dust, hands in his pockets. 

“Yeah. Thanks for tonight,” you repeat yourself and there’s a heartbeat of silence where you feel that moment.

You probably should not be feeling this way, not after getting yourself burnt so bad, but you can’t help it. You want to kiss Harry and for a split second you believe he wants to do the same. His eyes flicker down to your lips and you move just a tiny bit closer to him, time stands still and just when you think he’ll do it, he clears his throat and steps back.

“Good night, Y/N,” he mumbles nodding before he walks back to the car. 

You stand there, feeling stupid as you blink after him before snapping out of your trance, forcing yourself to walk inside. As you take a quick shower and get ready to bed you get into a spiral. 

First of all you’re such a needy idiot for jumping from one man to the other. You should not be looking at men at all after Eric and yet here you are, crushing on yet another coworker of yours, what is wrong with you?! 

And second, why were you expecting him to kiss you? You’ve barely known each other for a few weeks and Harry is a reasonable man, he is probably not at all like you, he probably doesn’t want to get involved with a coworker especially not you. Some signs were giving you a feeling that he might have liked you more than just a friend, but you must have totally misread him. 

You have to control yourself and not scare him away, especially since he is doing you a huge favor, the last thing you want to do is to make him uncomfortable.

Harry hasn’t stopped thinking about you all weekend. Specifically about that moment in front of your apartment building where he would have sworn he felt you were expecting him to kiss you, but he couldn’t do it. Not when you were clearly intoxicated.

He didn’t want you to think he would ever take advantage of you like that.

The next week starts oddly. He gets some extra tasks and you get involved in another project as well, so you can’t work together like last week. Monday and then Tuesday rushes by without the two of you meeting. By Wednesday Harry is craving to see you again and it seems like it’s finally happening, because you don’t cancel your morning meeting. He arrives in a good mood with coffee for you and him, excited to show you everything he finished in the past days.

But then he can feel the change in you when you walk in.

You seem off, but at first he can’t tell why. You’re not your bubbly self, you seem very closed off and oddly professional compared to the times the two of you met earlier. Harry tries to tell himself it’s nothing serious, but the more time you spend together the more obvious it’s getting and he can’t take it anymore.

“Y/N?” he quietly asks at the end of the meeting. “Is everything alright?”

“Sure,” you nod, but it’s like as if you didn’t even believe it yourself.

“Did… Did I do something that upset you?”

“Nope, I just…” You sigh, giving up the facade you’ve been trying hard to keep up. “Listen, about Friday, I’m very sorry, Harry.”

“Sorry? For what?”

“I feel like I overstepped a line and made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry about that. If I made you uncomfortable. I want us to work well together and my unfiltered mouth was not at all professional that night, so I’m really sorry about that.”

Harry is blinking at you, confused and lost about what you truly meant by all that. He did not see this coming and now he has no idea how to react other than just looking at you with a startled expression.

“Can we just go back to where we were before that?”

“Where… I don’t-I mean, um…”

“Let’s just forget about when we parted ways, please?”

“So… Uh, yeah,” he at last nods, trying his best to mask his disappointment. He thought there might be something more between the two of you, but this conversation is proof that you just had too many drinks and you didn’t mean any of it. 

“Thank you so much,” you breathe out in relief. “I wouldn’t want to ruin our work together.”

Harry nods silently and doesn’t ask more about it. 

He is trying hard to hide his disappointment and part of home wants to know if you felt even the slightest spark on Friday or it was all just the alcohol, but he is not one to dig into things that might end him up in an awkward situation. He just swallows it all down and pulls his walls up again.

You can feel a bitter taste in your mouth as well after your talk with Harry. Something felt off, but you can’t put your finger on it and soon you have something else to worry about. 

You’re surprised to see Eric chatting with Zaya when you return to your desk. Your intern, bless her heart, is trying to keep a straight and professional face but you can tell she wants to scream at the man who definitely thinks he is charming the young girl with his small talk. 

“Eric? What are you doing here?” you ask, biting your tongue so you don’t tell him to leave and fuck himself.

“Hey, can we talk? Privately?” 

You look at Zaya and her eyes tell you what she thinks: it’s the literal worst idea ever. And you want to say no to him, but judging from his antics lately he would somehow use it against you so you don’t have much of a choice.

“Sure,” you mumble and the two of you take an empty meeting room. “So?” 

“Look, I want to apologize.”

What? Is he for real? That was unexpected.

“My behavior was uncalled for and very unprofessional.”

“Do you mean the way you stole my idea and presentation or the way you talked to me when I confronted you about it?”

“Can you not attack me, please?” he gives you a look that would have put you in place before, but now it just annoys you. He is trying to make you be the one in the wrong and you want to snap at him for still being such an ass, but you want to be the bigger person and stay professional. No matter how much you hate him, you’re still colleagues. 

“Go on,” you sigh, folding your arms over your chest.

“I know I can’t change the past but I think it's best if we deal with it in a decent way.”

How noble of him, pulling the rug from underneath you and then acting like he is this decent, peaceful man who just wants to work together. You want to throw up, but you swallow it back and force a smile onto your face.

“Sure, of course,” you tell him.

Seemingly Eric is satisfied with the work he did, but he is so tone deaf it hurts. He smiles nodding and heads out of the room with you behind him.

“Great talk!” he enthuses before walking away.

Zaya turns to you with wide eyes and you just shake your head.

“He wanted to apologize, though he didn’t really succeed, but I feel like it doesn’t matter to him,” you shrug as you sit behind your desk.

“You’re not forgiving him, right?”

“Of course not,” you scoff. “But we’re still colleagues, I can’t keep up the beef, it’s too tiring. I’ll just ignore his existence.”

You don’t think much of Eric’s ridiculous attempt to make peace, you keep your focus on your own project. 

There’s a bit of awkwardness between you and Harry after your little talk, but you feel like with time it eases and you write it off as just him not fond of situations like the one you put him into on Friday. 

Thursday afternoon the two of you are having another session together, working on some details he’s been trying to figure out himself, but he needs your input to finish them as well. It turns into brainstorming which results in a bunch of new things you want to include, but it will also add more work to your plate.

“I’m really sorry I always just keep adding new stuff to your load,” you sigh, truly feeling like you’re constantly overstepping boundaries, but Harry just shakes his head.

“I’m excited about these all. These are great functions and I’m looking forward to writing the code.”

“That sounded so nerdy,” you chuckle, but notice that Harry’s smile has disappeared.

“Sorry.”

“Oh no, I didn’t mean it like that! It’s great, I love it when someone is so passionate about something. I love it when you get deep into the tech talk. I think it’s amazing how much you know about these stuff.”

“But you can always just tell me to shut up, I know a lot of people don’t like it when I talk like that,” he mumbles, noticeably avoiding looking you in the eyes.

“Has… someone told you not to talk about programming?”

“Um…” He shifts uncomfortably and you’re about to tell him he doesn’t need to answer, but then he speaks up. “My ex girlfriend hated it when I talked about IT stuff,” he shrugs, but you can tell it’s something he struggled with. 

You can’t imagine ever telling him to stop talking about something that brings him this much joy. It’s clear this is his element and any woman that would try to restrain it is an idiot and can’t appreciate how wonderful this man is. 

You watch him quietly finish up on his computer before he starts to shut it down and you know you have to say something.

“She did not deserve you.”

He blinks at you surprised so you continue.

“Anyone who wants you to stop talking about something that makes you happy is not a person you want in your life, Harry, I hope you know that.”

“Uh… thank you,” he mumbles, that lovely pink shade taking over his face once again.

“You can always talk tech with me. I like listening to it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. It amazes me, because I know nothing about it.” And it’s really hot, you want to add, but then bite your tongue. 

There’s a tiny smile on his pink lips and you can tell this moment matters to him more than you could imagine and you’re glad you could make him happy like that.

“D-Do you want to grab something to eat?” he suggests as the two of you head out of the meeting room.

“That sounds great! I’m starving!” you groan. “Let me just grab my bag from my desk.

Harry nods and follows you, he already has his backpack with him. You’re musing about what you should have and Harry is telling you about this amazing bagel place he loves when you spot the familiar figure near your desk. 

“Eric, what are you doing here?” you ask, but you’re tempted to phrase your words differently, because it’s quite obvious he was snooping around your desk, not expecting you to show up after office hours.

“Y/N, hi! I was just… I thought I left some papers here the other day,” he clears his throat, stepping away from your desk. 

“You had no papers with you,” you simply say, knowing well something is off with him.

“Maybe I remembered wrong,” he chuckles. “Alright, see you later,” he waves and then leaves quickly before you could ask any more questions. 

“What was that about?” Harry asks as you launch at your desk, checking what might have changed.

“He was looking for something. He is trying to play me again,” you hiss through your teeth, frantically examining what he could have put his hands on, but you see nothing out of place. But then you realize that he must have thought you left your laptop, that’s what he was looking for. “Oh my God,” you gasp, quickly starting your laptop to see if there is anything wrong with it. 

“What? What’s going on?”

“Harry, can you, uhh—Can you check if there is anything wrong with my laptop?” you plead as he rounds your desk and sits nodding, though he is a tad bit lost about what’s happening.

“Like, check if there’s another virus, or something?”

“Yes. I think he was trying to tamper with it again, I can’t know for sure if he hasn’t touched it earlier.”

You knew his half-assed apology was tactic, but you didn’t think he would do it all over again. Eric really isn’t the person you thought him to be.

You watch Harry type away on your computer, anxiously waiting for him to say anything and in the meanwhile you’re planning how you’ll get rid of Eric the moment you finally get your well-deserved promotion. There’s no way you’re letting a snake like him work at the company. 

“I don’t see anything,” Harry finally leans back and you exhale in relief.

“I can’t let it out of my sight from now on,” you grumble, shaking your head. 

In this moment you feel like you’re running out of energy, all because you trusted the wrong person. Feeling defeated you collapse into Zaya’s chair, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Harry softly says, as if he could read your mind.

“I’m in this situation because I made all the worst choices. I can’t blame anyone else but myself.”

“You couldn’t have known this is how it would turn out to be.”

“I know, but…”

“No but. Just… You know what? I’ll install an extra security program on your laptop so only you can access it, alright?”

“Really?” you sit up straight.

“Yeah, just give me a few moments.”

He gets down to work, works his magic and a minute later he is explaining to you what he got set up on your laptop to secure it.

“Harry, I owe you so much at this point,” you sigh in relief when it sinks in that Eric will not get his hands on your things again. “I have no idea how I will be able to pay you back.”

You notice a slight shift in him as he clears his throat, looking at you nervously.

“About that… I-I think I know h-how–I mean I thought about what… you could…”

“You know what you want in return?” you perk up, happy to do something for Harry after everything he did for you. 

“Y-you can say no, it’s okay, I just–Um…”

“Harry, whatever it is, my answer is gonna be yes,” you chuckle, placing a gentle hand on his arm. He looks at your hand and then up to your eyes before finally speaking up.

“Go on a date… with me?”

Harry has been working up the courage to ask you all day, but he didn’t think he would have the balls to say it out loud. Sarah and Mitch urged him to shoot his shot, even after the kind of awkward conversation you had earlier. His friends were convinced you were into him regardless, but he’s been struggling to believe it himself.

It was kind of random he blurted it out, but now it’s been said and he is about to faint, waiting for your response. You’re staring back at him, eyebrows slightly raised, lips parted, but no words have left your mouth since his question.

“Y-You don’t have to, I-I understand–I mean, it’s–”

“Harry,” you cut him off. “I would love to go on a date with you,” you finally tell him and it feels like a stone has been lifted off his shoulders, his heart is about to jump out of his chest any moment.

“But I won’t take it as your payment,” you add and now it’s his turn to be surprised. 

“What?” he breathes out, not sure what to make of your words.

“I would never take it as a payment, because I would go on a date with you regardless, Harry. Think of something else and we will have the date as well.”

“Really?” 

“Of course,” you chuckle. 

“Okay, alright, um… then… it’s a date!”

Harry is late.

He promised to be there at the meeting room on time to support you and answer any tech related questions that might come up in connection with your presentation. Eric is now presenting his (your) idea, he has added some features to it since he stole the whole thing, but it’s still mainly yours. 

“Thank you very much for your attention,” he nods as he finishes his talk and the board claps shortly before it’s your turn to stand in front of them. 

You’re plugging your laptop together with the projector when the door of the meeting room opens and Harry’s head pops inside. Relief washes over you as you watch him apologize for his late arrival and take a seat. Your gaze meets his and he smiles at you sweetly, holding his thumb up for you as you load the presentation. Now you feel braver, knowing he is here to support you.

You desperately wish you could read minds as you go on with your presentation. You’re met with mostly blank faces, but they were the same during Eric’s presentation as well, so you can’t tell what they are thinking about. It’s going smoothly, you rehearsed it a million times instead of sleeping in the past few days and when it’s time for questions you ace all of them, even the few tech ones. You’ve spent so much time with Harry that you can easily give an answer to everything at this point.

“Thank you for your attention,” you nod smiling at the end and disconnect your laptop from the projector, walking back to Harry.

“You did amazing,” he smiles at you proudly and his approval means the most to you. 

“Thanks.”

“I’m sorry I was late, I had to take care of something.”

“It’s okay. I’m just happy you’re here.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t have missed it.” The CEO stands up and all heads turn in his direction.

“Thank you for the presentations, I would like to ask the candidates to leave the room so we can vote.”

You gather all your stuff and head out with Harry by your side. Eric ignores your existence, as if he didn’t lie and cheat his way to this moment, but you’re not stressing yourself anymore about it. 

You definitely believe in karma.

“You’ve got this,” Harry smiles at you softly and your heart melts at his expression. 

You’re planning to have your date tonight. It’s gonna be either a ‘you’ve got the promotion, now let’s celebrate with our date’ occasion or ‘you didn’t get the promotion so let’s cheer you up with a date’, you’re fine with both, truly. You know you put everything you had into this promotion and if they still decide not to choose you, that’s their loss and your sign to move on. 

You’re beyond excited about your date. There’s been an obvious change in your dynamic since Harry has asked you out, there are more glances, little touches, compliments and some very apparent sexual tension that’s still within the lines of comfort, it’s not too hard to control yourself, but you keep noticing more and more things about him that are pulling you towards him.

“I will miss our little work session,” you smile back at him shyly.

“Little? They usually lasted hours,” he chuckles, making you laugh too.

“Loved them all,” you shrug and the look on his face tells you he did too. 

The board takes some time to make their decision and when the door opens fifteen minutes later your heart skips a beat. The CEO asks you all to return to the room and you take your previous seat, Harry sitting next to you. His hand brushes against your knee shortly and you look at him, your gaze meeting his as he gives you an encouraging smile.

“Thank you all for these amazing presentations, we were very pleased with the plans and projects,” the CEO starts as he stands at the head of the table. “We had no doubt you two are the best applicants for the position and it’s been hard to decide who to choose, but at last we made a decision.”

Oh God, you’re about to throw up. Is it you? Is it Eric? You hope you won’t cry. That could happen in either case, but you really don’t want to cry in front of all these people. 

“The person we chose to fulfill the position is…” His eyes scan over the both of you as you hold your breath and then it finally lands on you. “Y/N Y/L/N. Congratulations.”

And just like that, your lungs fill with air again and it feels like a rock has been lifted off your shoulders. 

“I told you,” you hear Harry beside you and when you look at him you see pride all over his face and you can’t stop yourself from throwing your arms around his neck to hug him.

“Thank you, it wouldn’t have happened without you,” you mumble as you squeeze him tight before letting go of him, going up to the board to shake hands. 

At first you don’t even process it, but then Eric’s voice hits your ear and you realize he is turning red across the table, complaining nonstop about the outcome.

“...The whole thing was so fucking out of the blue! Redesigning the whole website? That’s like suicide!...”

You don’t even have the chance to react to his comments, the CEO speaks up for everyone.

“Y/N’s idea is daring, innovative and brave, just what we need. We don’t want to play it safe and your idea was definitely in the safe zone.”

“His idea,” you scoff under your breath.

“Actually, there is something I would like to show you, if you have a few more minutes,” Harry speaks up as he starts his laptop and moves over to where the board is. You’re watching him completely puzzled.

“There’s been an unfortunate incident about the presentations. Y/N’s original idea was stolen, a virus has been planted on her computer to cover up the deed, but I could not recover enough information about the perpetrator to make accusations, that was until a few days ago.”

What?!

You see Eric’s red face turn completely white as Harry types away on his computer and then shows something to the board. They curiously eye the alleged proof as Harry continues.

“Proof could be only found on the perpetrator’s device and a few days ago I had access to Eric’s computer when he brought it in for a check up, since it’s been working too slow. As expected and told, I make a full check on every device in these cases and found unquestionable proof that Eric stole Y/N’s presentation through the virus.”

Oh lord. 

You watch as everyone on the board processes what they see on Harry’s computer and you can feel the switch in them towards Eric.

“Eric, let’s have a chat in my office. Now,” the CEO says and it’s definitely an order and Eric doesn’t try to go against it, just nods and follows him out of the room.

“Harry, why didn’t you tell me you were planning to do this?!” you ask as you rush up to him. The board members are leaving the meeting room, leaving the two of you alone. 

“I uh– I wanted it to be a surprise. Eric showed up at the IT department the other day and I got his case without him knowing so I could snoop around. Found the evidence right away so I thought the board should know what he did.”

“Why did you wait until they announced who got the promotion? This could have kicked him out of the contest right away.”

“I knew you’d get it,” he smiles shyly. “I had no doubt they would choose you, I wanted you to experience defeating him after what he did to you.”

To say you’re touched is an understatement. He didn’t just help you immensely to get this promotion, but also went out of his way to serve you justice. He has done more for you than anyone ever. 

You just know you can’t let the moment pass and ignoring the fact that you’re still at work, though no one is around to see, you close the distance between the two of you and press your lips against his.

This kiss has been hanging there for a while and you’d be lying if you said you have never fantasized about what it would be like to kiss Harry, but reality is a thousand times more magical. His lips are soft and warm, go so well with yours and once his first wave of shock passes he finally returns it and you melt in his arms. 

You had a feeling Harry was a great kisser, but the way he claims your lips just blows your mind. He is sweet and gentle but also demanding at the same time and if only you weren’t in the office you’d pretty much jump into his arms and let him do whatever he wants to you. 

Somewhere in the distance a phone rings and it breaks the spell, making you realize that you shouldn’t get carried away. 

“Sorry,” you smile, your lips barely just an inch away from his still. “I got… I just–Thank you. For everything you did for me.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he returns your smile and pecks your lips shortly one more time. “And I will always be here to support you.”

You might look like a lunatic as you watch the guy on the other side of the glass door of your office finish up the sign on the door.

Y/N Y/L/N, Head Of Digital Marketing.

God, you still can’t have enough of the sound of it even though you got the promotion two months ago. Okay, the first month you spent in your old job, teaching the ropes for your successor before you could start your transition into your new position.

Now it’s official and you couldn’t be happier about it.

Checking the time you sit back to your computer to finish up work for the day. It’s been one hell of a week, you’ve worked overtime three times so it’s great that today is finally Friday. You answer some more emails and check your calendar for the next week, making sure everything is settled.

There’s a soft knock on the door and when you look up your heart skips a beat, seeing Harry walk in, his backpack on one shoulder.

“Hey. Are you done?”

“Just one moment,” you smile and he nods, walking over to the window, patiently waiting for you to finish everything up. 

When you turn the computer off and look up at him, you notice that he is staring at you already.

“What?” you ask, packing up.

“Nothing, just… you look so pretty.”

You still haven’t gotten used to his compliments, though they always just keep on coming and coming. You love them.

And you love him.

Walking over to him you wrap your arms around his waist as you steal a kiss. Usually you try to keep the PDA out of the office, but sometimes he is just too hard to resist. Like now.

You’ve been officially a couple for two months, your first date after your big presentation was like a dream, Harry took you to all of his favorite spots in the city and then you just spent hours stargazing on the roof of his apartment’s building, he had a whole setup with a mattress, blankets and pillows, it was the sweetest thing ever, the best way to celebrate your win. Since then, it’s been endless dates, movie nights, trips on the weekend, you’ve been kind of inseparable. Well, outside of the office, because you try your best to stay professional at work. 

“What was that for?” he chuckles softly, his cheeks have that soft pink shade on them that you just want to kiss all over. 

“I’m just happy. That’s it.” Reaching up you fix his glasses before taking a step back and heading out.

Usually you just walk side by side to the elevator, but today you feel extra upbeat, so when you step into the elevator you gently take his hand and lace it together with yours and you can’t help but smile every time you’re in here with Harry.

Because he told you this is where he saw you for the very first time that day you overslept before your disastrous presentation. He was the one who held the elevator’s door for you. You were so disoriented that you didn’t notice him then and he likes to tease you about it, saying that he knew that moment he was into you, all while you didn’t even look at him. In return, you always bring up how you were the one kissing him for the first time. 

It’s crazy to think how much has happened between those two things or even between that morning and today. He was the quiet IT genius who you dragged into your madness. He is still a genius, but you’ve gotten to know the sides of him others can’t see and you love all of them, it just took you some time to open him up. To decode him.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed and buy me a coffee if you want to support me!

[panlight]

hi!! i’m so sorry to keep sending you asks (if you get sick of it please just let me know and i’ll shut up i promise!! 💕💕)

so this is re: the cullens being in high school, as per the ask you answered a couple days ago! i also always thought it was super weird, and i’ve been thinking for a while now that a MUCH better cover story would for them all (even carlisle and esme) to be grad school housemates (i say this as someone who has now spent two years in grad school and is about to be there for another five at least lmaoooo)

here’s why i think it would work:

1. the age weirdness wouldn’t be as obvious bc people of all ages go to grad school (i started when i was 22 and had classmates in their 40s)

2. related to age, the visible/physical age also wouldn’t matter as much since some of my classmates (me included 😭😭) looked like we could still pass as high schoolers while others gave off huge “kids and a mortgage vibes” even if they were just like a year older

3. the whole looking “off” and tired thing is just like. the grad school Look™️. the shadows under the eyes and general gaunt-ish appearance honestly wouldn’t stand out that much and if somebody said something about them looking “off” or whatever, they could just be like “late night studying” and the other person would be like “lmao so true bestie”

4. if they pretended they were all renting space in the same big house (and carlisle and esme just acted a little less parental), the whole “dating each other” thing wouldn’t be that weird at all. i feel like it’s not that uncommon for couples who get along to rent different floors or sections of a house, and if they didn’t pretend to be one big weird family situation and instead just acted like they all met each other at school, i don’t think people would even bat an eye

5. people go to grad school forever. like. for so long (i vaguely knew of someone who was in the eighth or ninth year of her phd). esp if they picked something like a big state school where the “kids” could go to undergrad first, they could realistically do four years of undergrad, maybe a two or three year masters, and then a phd of indeterminate length (usually at least five). that would allow them to stay in the same place for at least 11 years

and this is not an official point, but i will note that for carlisle to still do his whole doctor thing, i think it would be perfectly reasonable for him to have already “graduated” or whatever, but continue to stay with his “friends” for financial reasons, or just bc the living situation worked for everyone

anyway, i’m so sorry this was so long, and honestly i bet someone has already said this somewhere before, but it just struck me when reading the “why tf are the cullens in high school” post that grad school would be such a great cover story for them

haha anyway thanks for putting up with my ramblings and thank you for all the lovely work you do on the blog!! 🥰🥰

I've definitely seen "just put them in college!" before (and I have made that argument myself) but I don't know if I've seen the grad school cover story specifically before!

It would allow Esme and/or Carlisle to be the 'peers' of their children rather than some sort of guardian or parental figures. They could, as you said, all be renting a house together and Esme could be studying architecture or getting a PhD in art history or whatever while the kids study who knows what. Maybe there's a medical school as well and Carlisle can go back (it still makes zero sense that Edward and Rosalie go "to keep him current' like how is that supposed to work? They come home and just recite from perfect vampire memory everything that happened in calls? Wouldn't Carlisle be keeping current by like, idk, actually being a doctor, reading journals, going to conferences, and continuing education?).

A group of friends renting a house together as a bunch of couples makes way more sense than two parents barely visibly older than their foster/adopted kids who all date each other.

And, honestly, it's probably a better use of their time to get actual advanced degrees rather than stopping at undergrad? I know because of secrecy how they use their knowledge and skills is somewhat fraught but like, publish papers under a false name or let someone else take the credit or something and you can still contribute to the world of academia.

[tolietpaperdreams]

Warned You Chapter 6 (Shawnter)

Omg 500 years later and I'm finally back with another chapter lmao. Thank you guys sm for your patience and understanding, I'm finally feeling back in the swing of things, so the next chapter should be up sooner rather than later. Hope you enjoy <33

That's me in the middle bc these two are kicking my ass emotionally 🙂

Shawn woke up with his face smushed into Hunter’s back. He’d slept so hard that he almost forgot where he was when he finally opened his eyes and came to. Hunter was warm and cozy, the bigger man was a furnace and Shawn always wanted to curl as close as possible to him.

Touch was Shawn’s favorite way of expressing his love. For a while, it was all he knew how to do, but now it was just a preference. Talking was never easy, but it was getting easier. And waking up next to his favorite person every day made it worth it.

He was in a good mood considering the fun he had yesterday as well as the night prior. Owen probably had something crazier in mind for them to do today, and honestly, Shawn was all for it. The youngest Hart brother was easily becoming a confidant for him.

As Shawn cozied up to Hunter a little bit more, he thought about how much he would miss his partner being home. Not that he liked that Hunter was injured, absolutely not. But the thought of the bed being empty now made his chest tighten.

Shoo-ing those thoughts away, Shawn nuzzled his face into Hunter’s back. It was still early, and the plan was for Shawn and Hunter to workout together today, so as far as he was concerned, he had no reason to get up until they both decided to.

Eventually, Shawn dozed off again until he could feel his partner shifting around.

“Good morning,” Hunter’s voice was deep and silky, just the way Shawn liked it.

Shawn lifted his head and looked over Hunter’s shoulder, “Morning, how'd you sleep?”

“Better with you curling up next to me,” Hunter smirked and turned to pull Shawn into his chest.

Shawn let out a satisfied hum as he nuzzled into him. No matter how much Hunter tried to be menacing, to Shawn, he was just a big teddy bear.

Hunter gently scratched at Shawn’s scalp, relaxing him even more. He had been in such a better mindset since yesterday, he just hoped it would last.

“What’s the plan for today?” Hunter asked, closing his eyes again.

“Not sure,” Shawn lifted his head to look at the bedside clock briefly, “It’s still pretty early.”

“I wouldn’t be upset if that means I get another round of what I had last night,” Hunter lifted Shawn’s chin with a finger.

“Oh really?” Shawn couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face, “I’m sure we can make that work.”

Hunter was about to respond when a noise from outside of their bedroom startled them.

“Not sure how our guests would feel about that,” Shawn rolled his eyes and moved to get up, “I’ll go see what’s up. It’s probably Owen breaking our toaster.”

Hunter chuckled a little, “He’s not that destructive.”

“We’ll see,” Shawn snickered as he threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, “Coffee?”

“Yes please,” Hunter replied as he got comfy in the bed again.

Shawn left the room and headed for the kitchen, he didn't actually expect anyone else to be awake given the hour, but he stopped once he heard voices from the kitchen.

“What am I supposed to do? Just suck it up?” Bret said in a low tone.

Shawn assumed both of the Hart brothers had gotten up beforehand and were wreaking some kind of havoc in the kitchen, but the conversation seemed tense.

“I don't know,” Owen answered, his voice less hushed than his brother’s, “Talk to him?”

“There’s no point,” Bret said in a huff.

Interest peaked, Shawn decided to stay hidden from view so he could catch on to what the conversation was about. There was a stretch of silence before Owen continued.

“You can't keep everything bottled up, this is how you ended up in this mess.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Bret snapped in response, both of their volume still barely above a whisper, “Clearly, I wouldn't get what I want.”

What he wants? What could Bret be whining about now? He already had what he wanted as far as Shawn was concerned.

Owen kept trying, “I'm not saying you would, I'm just saying you'd probably feel better.”

“Oh my God, Owen,” Bret groaned, “Are you friends with all your exes?”

This was definitely not a conversation Shawn was supposed to be hearing. Part of him told him to run and jump back into bed with Hunter; that's where safety was, but the other half, the dumber half, insisted that he stay and listen.

Owen spoke louder than he meant to, “You’ll never be able to let go of your feelings for Shawn if you pretend they don't exist, Bret.”

Oh no.

Shawn felt his gut twist and his chest tighten; it was suddenly hard to breathe. He leaned against the wall, trying to digest what he just heard.

“Will you shut up? Their room is right there!” Bret’s tone was pinched as he scolded his little brother.

“Sorry, sorry,” Owen quieted down, “All I’m saying is that this is never going to end if you don't talk to him.”

“So that he can just laugh in my face? I told you, it’s pointless,” Bret sounded almost sad.

Before Shawn could gather himself and plan his escape, he was met with Bret coming around the corner. The brunette’s eyes widened at the sight of him, and Shawn quickly pushed himself away from the wall.

“Shawn-” Bret’s voice tremored.

He couldn't speak, he couldn't breathe. There were so many thoughts going through his mind all at once it felt like his world was caving in.

“I-” Shawn swallowed, unable to say anything.

Owen quickly appeared, having heard the chaos from in the kitchen, “Shit- Hey Shawn,” he tried to sound normal like they weren't just talking about something monumental.

The look on Bret’s face was one that Shawn had only seen once before. It was the look he made backstage after the Screwjob; It was hurt and confusion.

Bret stepped towards him but he quickly backed up, “Listen-”

He couldn't handle it anymore, Shawn turned and headed to the bedroom as fast as he could. Abandoning any thought of coffee or breakfast, trivial things were far from his mind now. As soon as he was in the room he saw that Hunter had fallen back asleep. Oh God, how would he tell him?

The bathroom was the only place to hide as Shawn tried to calm his racing heart. He splashed water on his face from the sink and prayed this was just some sort of bad dream. Not knowing what to do or where to go, he sat on the edge of the tub and put his head in his hands.

***

“Shawn?” Hunter’s voice was muffled through the bathroom door, “Babe, you've been in there awhile. You okay?”

Some time had passed. Shawn had no idea how long he’d been in the bathroom, maybe it had only been thirty minutes, maybe an hour. He didn't know and he didn't care.

How was he going to tell Hunter what he’d learned? Should he even tell him at all? Bret must have come up with some elaborate ruse to convince Hunter that they were friends just to get close to Shawn.

That thought alone made him furious. It didn't matter how many arguments or sleepless nights he had, no one fucked with Hunter. It didn't matter who it was.

He quickly tried to think of some sort of excuse and cleared his throat, “Yeah, just thought I'd do some- uh- some cleaning before you got up.”

Hunter opened the door, his hair was wild and he still had a sleepy look on his face, “You were taking a while in the kitchen, I didn't mean to fall back asleep.”

“That’s okay,” Shawn stood, his tone on edge.

He’d been hunched over so long he’d forgotten how badly his back was going to ache now. Hunter looked around the bathroom, there was clearly a lack of cleaning supplies out. It was practically impossible to get anything past the man, Shawn didn't know why he even tried.

“Something wrong?” Hunter asked, moving from the doorway.

Shawn tried to think of something quick, “Just- moving slow, I guess.”

That wasn’t technically a lie, but he just didn’t have the energy to talk about what had transpired yet. Shawn could barely gather his own thoughts, let alone explain to his partner what was going on.

“You still wanna hit the weights together?” Hunter asked.

Shawn quickly shook his head, “I think um- I think I need to workout alone today. I just want to see what I can do by myself.”

He hoped that made sense to his partner, that it would appeal to his competitive nature.

Though Hunter could clearly see that there was more to the story than Shawn was letting on, he gave Shawn a look and moved on, “Okay… I’m gonna get in the shower then.”

Shawn was grateful for his partner’s lack of questions, “Right.”

He moved to brush by Hunter, but the bigger man stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder, “Be careful.”

Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Shawn nodded and left the room.

Owen was pacing in the hallway when Shawn exited the bedroom, “How long have you been here?”

“Twenty minutes- thirty maybe? I don’t know, but we have to talk,” Owen looked stressed, more stressed than Shawn had ever seen him.

“You think?” Shawn responded, his voice slightly louder than he intended.

He didn’t need to worry about whispering with Hunter in the shower, but the principal still stood.

“You haven’t told Hunter yet have you?” Owen stopped his pacing and grabbed Shawn’s shoulders.

Shawn fought the urge to yank away from the blonde’s touch, “No, I haven’t told him. But if I had, it wouldn’t be any of your business.”

Bret had been lying the entire time. He was never friends with Hunter, he was only using him to get closer to Shawn. Why he would want that? Shawn had no idea; after everything that had happened, Bret shouldn’t want anything to do with him. Still having feelings for Shawn was another thing entirely.

“I get that- but just don’t tell him yet,” Owen was pleading.

“Why shouldn’t I? Your brother has been deceiving both of us this entire time, he doesn’t give a shit about Hunter’s concussion,” Shawn spat.

“That’s not true,” Owen stepped back, “He’s not that kind of person.”

“How do I know you haven’t been in on it the entire time either?”

It truly hurt his heart to say that. Shawn was starting to see the youngest Hart as a friend, something he didn’t have a lot of. The hurt look on Owen’s face showed him exactly how much his words stung.

“You think I would’ve let Bret come here if I’d known?”

That made sense, the Harts were not people to make rash decisions, but that didn’t change the frustration and confusion Shawn was feeling. It was all just too much.

Shawn sighed, hoping he hadn't upset Owen too much, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Me neither,” Owen’s shoulders slumped and he let go of Shawn, “Bret wants to leave, but I told him it would look bad. I don't know what he was thinking.”

It would’ve been pretty easy to come up with some sort of excuse, but Shawn understood where Owen was coming from. Unfortunately, he’d probably be forced to do what he’d been avoiding this entire time. Shawn felt his stomach sink as the feeling set in; he’d talk to Bret. About everything, or at least, he’d try.

“Is there any way you can distract Hunter while I talk to your brother?” Shawn asked with resignation in his tone.

“I can try, I make a mean protein pancake,” Owen tried to sound optimistic as he gestured down the hall, “He’s upstairs.”

“Thanks,” Shawn gave Owen a pat on the shoulder as he walked past.

Shawn hesitated as he made his way up the stairs. He had no idea what he was going to say to Bret, confrontation wasn't his strong suit, even though he’d done it quite a bit in the past. Mentally, Shawn was so exhausted from the situation that part of him wanted to pretend he never heard it, but that wouldn't fix anything.

He could hear movement in the guest room as he got closer, if he stopped now, he could turn around and bail, but that righteous voice that wanted to fix things in the back of his head urged him on.

The guest room door was half open as Shawn peaked in. Bret’s clothes were scattered haphazardly throughout the room, suitcase on the bed. If he was determined to leave, he certainly wasn't going about it in an organized way. Bret was sitting on the side of the bed facing away from the entrance.

Shawn didn't want to waste any more time and lightly rapped against the door. Bret turned quickly, almost as if he was spooked out of his thoughts. He didn't say anything as he slowly stood and faced Shawn, his expression was grim.

“Shawn-” Bret started.

“Don’t,” Shawn held up a hand and stepped further into the room, “Just let me say what I have to say…

Please.”

It was the only way Shawn could think to get his point across. He didn't want to yell or fight, he just wanted Bret to listen.

“You made Hunter think he was your friend-”

Bret tried to interrupt, “That’s not-”

“Just listen, Bret. Please,” Shawn pleaded as he closed the door behind him. He tried to keep his voice level, “I’m not sure what you thought coming here would accomplish, but if you wanted to make me feel stupid, then you succeeded.”

Insult aside, he continued, “I know you're not a bad person, and I know that I hurt you. But I can't just stand here and let you do the same thing to Hunter. He's not the bad guy here.”

Shawn wasn't sure if what he was saying made sense, he wanted it to be about himself as little as possible, but it didn't look like there was an easy way to go about that.

“Do you really think I would do that?” Bret gave Shawn a look like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

“I don't know. I haven't talked to you in forever, how do I know you don't have ulterior motives?” Shawn crossed his arms, wanting to be as shut off from the conversation as possible.

“Do I need to remind you how we ended up in this mess in the first place?” Bret furrowed his brow, his patience thin.

No, he didn't. Shawn knew exactly how they got to where they were, and he knew that it was entirely his fault. Their relationship had already been on its downfall at the time, but The Screwjob was the catalyst that set everything aflame.

“This isn't about Hunter,” Bret carried on, “He’s my friend. I'm here because I care about him and we work well together. What you heard…”

He trailed off, but Shawn finished for him, “What? It was just a coincidence? Please, I'm not stupid.”

Bret scoffed, “God you're impossible to talk to, always have been.”

Typical Bret, immediately on the defensive. Why talk about the real reason all this was happening; when the remorse and anger could be pushed somewhere else?

“At least, I'm trying to change,” Shawn snapped back, “The only reason you're here is because I wanted to make things right.”

“Of course it is. Because you can’t sleep at night with all that weight on your shoulders,” Bret rolled his eyes, “You’re not sorry. You just want a clear conscience.”

Shawn’s eyes widened at that. Is that how Bret saw it? He couldn't see how truly sorry Shawn was? Yes, Shawn did want a clear conscience, but that didn't mean he wasn't mournful. He didn't want to make things right just to be done with it, he wanted to make things right because it was the right thing to do. Because he hurt people, and it took breaking his back to see how wrong he was.

Pain for pain. If this was Shawn’s karma, he should just deal with it. Suffer through it, but he knew that wasn't the correct answer. He just didn't understand how Bret could say such cruel things and still claim to have feelings for him. There was a sadness in Bret’s eyes that only Shawn knew he could see, and he pushed away the part of him that wanted to fix that. Bret’s emotions were his own to handle.

Shawn finally spoke after a long stretch of silence, “I wish you could see that I am, but I won't beg you for forgiveness.”

Bret didn't respond right away, he simply took in Shawn’s words and sighed.

“I won’t tell Hunter… yet,” Shawn added, “But he has to know at some point. If you leave now, he’ll have questions.”

At that, Shawn stepped out of the room and left Bret to his own devices. Whatever the Hitman decided now, was up to him. That conversation was far from over, but it was all Shawn could handle before he felt himself beginning to lock up.

***

The rest of the day was awkward. There was nothing to do and Shawn, as usual, was restless. He debriefed Owen on his conversation with Bret after going back downstairs, but that was it. They hadn’t come to a proper solution.

Everyone was to keep their mouths shut until Shawn decided to tell Hunter. Maybe he’d wait til the Harts were gone or maybe he’d say ‘fuck it’ and just light the impending fire.

Despite his back, Shawn lifted heavy that day and now he was paying the price for it. He considered downing an extra pill or two, or ‘going for a drive’ and hitting the closest bar he could find, but ultimately, his pride wouldn’t let him. Bret’s hurtful words still lingered in his mind, how the brunette thought he wasn’t truly sorry. It pissed Shawn off and if anything, made him more determined to prove the other man wrong.

Hunter, bless his heart, was none the wiser to the transgressions of that morning. Shawn was certain that his partner would see right through Shawn’s walls, he always had in the past. Maybe Hunter was so tired of all of it that he was just pretending that everything was fine.

Despite their awkward encounter in the bathroom, Hunter must have noted it as one of Shawn’s moods and moved on. If there was an awkwardness in the air, then Owen had been the saving grace. His chipper demeanor and overall optimism outshined Shawn and Bret’s ornery attitudes, thank God.

“I’m bored,” Owen whined, having flipped through the channels on the TV a good three times.

“You don’t have to be here, you know that right?” Bret griped from the opposite side of the room.

“Can we go out?” Owen took a look at his watch, ignoring his brother, “It’s almost seven, we’ve done nothing all day.”

“I don’t drink,” Hunter pipped in, he opened his mouth to continue but stopped, not wanting to speak for his partner.

Shawn picked up on Hunter’s hesitation, “I don’t drink anymore, at least, not for now.”

He earned a raised brow from Bret, the older man looking slightly surprised at what he had heard.

“We don’t have to go drinking,” Owen added, the younger Hart was clearly not used to being idle, “We could go out to eat or something.”

Bret scoffed, “As if Kayfabe isn’t dead enough. Shawn and I being seen in the same place would give Vince an aneurysm.”

The more Shawn thought about it, the more Owen made sense. Despite the fun he had with Owen at the Halloween store yesterday, it seemed like they were limited on things they could do outside of the house.

Four pro wrestlers cooped up in a house with no outlet, besides a few weights in the garage, was a spell for disaster. And considering the way things were already going, it couldn’t get much worse.

“Poker?” Hunter looked around for any opposition, “I have some old Cubans for special occasions too.”

Gambling and smoking? Shawn was certainly not opposed to giving into his lesser-tapped vices, but he honestly had never played a single hand while sober. Maybe he’d actually win for once.

“I’m down,” Owen’s eyes lit up, “What’s the pot?”

“Fifty to start,” Shawn scratched his chin, “Winner of the first round picks the next.”

“Cheapskate,” Bret huffed, “Get ready to lose.”

“I don’t need to win,” Shawn gave a sly look to his partner, “I just need Hunter to.”

***

“Four hundred dollars?!” Shawn cried in horror as he watched Owen gather all the bills in the middle of the table and pull them towards him.

“You can always win it back,” Owen offered, glee in his voice.

Shawn looked to Hunter, “Four hundred dollars…”

“What am I supposed to do? You got cocky!” Hunter gestured to the cards scattered around the table, “I didn’t know Owen was good at poker.”

“Why do you think I was playing it safe?” Bret added with a laugh.

Shawn was in disbelief, “That’s what you always do, I just assumed you sucked at poker.”

“He’s gotta be cheating,” Hunter pointed in Owen’s direction, his accusation wasn’t serious, but there was agony in his voice, “No one beats me.”

“Well I just did,” Owen grinned and held out his hand, “It was the whole pot and the rest of your cigars I believe?” He made a grabbing motion with his hand.

“I might actually cry,” Hunter said in anguish as he watched his money vanish before his eyes and forked over his beloved case of Cuban cigars.

It wasn't like any of them were hurting for money, the good thing about their line of work was once it paid off, it really paid off. Shawn, Hunter, Bret, and Owen were all top performers no matter what company they performed in, but losing a big game of poker definitely took a shot at their pride.

Shawn knew he wouldn't win, so he wasn't surprised at all when his initial fifty dollars were blown. He had one of the worst poker faces known to the game, but watching Hunter get pummeled by Owen was like watching a warrior fall in battle. Hunter had very few vices, but he always seemed to luck out when it came to cards. His luck had unfortunately run out.

As Owen dealt out the next round, Shawn couldn't help but think about what was to come. He couldn't stay grounded in the moment and enjoy time with his partner and guests; not when one of those guests was staring him down like a target. Bret’s face was impossible to read, and even though they were supposed to be enjoying each other’s company, the awkwardness of the morning lingered.

Shawn felt his palms grow sweaty and inched his chair closer to Hunter.

“Hey, no looking,” Hunter pulled his cards toward his chest, oblivious to Shawn’s current state of anxiety.

The whole situation wasn't fair to anyone involved, Shawn wanted-no, needed to say something to his partner. Keeping Hunter out of the loop would only make things worse. But how would he react knowing that he willingly invited someone into his house who still had feelings for Shawn? It was easy for Owen to act nonchalant because at the end of the day, none of this was his problem.

It was better not to cause a scene, he’d tell Hunter in private.

As the evening went on Shawn did his best to keep up a facade, but every time he made eye contact with Bret, a mixture of emotions would punch him in the gut. The worst part about it was that he couldn't identify the feeling; it wasn't anger or hatred, but he wished it was. It leaned more toward understanding and ultimately, fear.

Fear that once Bret was gone this time, he’d be out of Shawn’s life for good.

[jasntodds]

Petrichor [7]

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader (little bit of fwb)

Words: 14,007  

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of scars, mentions of a panic attack, manipulation, canon drug use, comic book science? Titans science? (author's note at the end lol), canon violence, blood, bruises, gore, breaking bones, mentions of nightmares, canon character death (I'm so sorry)

Summary: ❝Pylades: I’ll take care of you. Orestes: It’s rotten work.Pylades: Not to me. Not if it’s you.❞

Gotham is home, not just for Jason but for you, too. And now that you’re both finally back home, together, you’re ready to see where this next chapter brings the two of you. He’s your best friend and you’re his. And you both might want a little something more with being back home, the place you both feel most comfortable. Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong now.

A/N: Happy birthday to Jason Todd!! So, sorry I did this for his birthday lmao I lied, this is longer than I thought it would be lol But I'm so sorry. I don't have anything else to say for myself besides canon made me do it and so did the comics lol I hope you guys like it!! If you want context from book 1, let me know and I’ll tell you!! You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary and turn on notifications if you prefer that!! I love feedback, I swear it keeps me posting on a weekly basis 😭

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Over the next couple of weeks, Jason continues to go to therapy as directed by Bruce. To his surprise, it actually seems to be helping a little bit. He’s still having nightmares but they aren’t every night anymore. His hands aren’t shaking as badly either. He just feels a little bit better. Maybe Bruce and you were right about Leslie.

You and Jason are doing better, too. There have been moments where he’s gotten a little too frustrated but he remembers your talk and you give him a little bit of space until he’s ready to talk. It works for the both of you. You go on dates at least once a week and you both actually feel normal during the day. It’s not about being a vigilante and figuring out how to survive.

You go out on patrol three days a week instead of six. This is Jason’s thing and you know it bothers him. You can wait to patrol every night until he gets Robin back. It doesn’t bother you that much. And this way, you get to spend more time together and exist in a normal way that you desperately craved. You are a normal couple for once.

Above all of that, it’s been good. Things have been good. And while that is terrifying, you and Jason stick it out anyway. You don’t run or push. You both want to sometimes because it’s easier but you’re both fucking happy. So, you don’t. You don’t do it because losing each other is worse than anything the other could ever dish out. Running and pushing wouldn’t do either of you any good for the first time in your lives. So, you both enjoy the happiness together. Until things come to a screeching halt.

You're in the living room, having a FaceTime TV marathon with Gar when Bruce comes home. He offers a quick hello before trying to walk off but you call him anyway. He’s home a lot later than he should be since he went to pick up Jason. It was his request you stay back this time.

“Where’s Jason?” You question.

In all fairness, you wouldn’t be asking him normally but you also haven’t heard much from Jason since his therapy session ended. He said Bruce was taking him somewhere so he would be home later. And that was kind of the end of it. He’s been doing quite a bit better so you haven’t been as worried when he doesn’t text you back right away. But now Bruce is here without him.

“In the city.” Bruce answers plainly.

“Why? You went to pick him up?” You raise a brow and something happened. Jason texted you in the car. He was fine and with Bruce.

You look at the time and see that was a few hours ago.

“He’s upset. I’m giving him space. You should, too.” Bruce states.

“What did you do?” You deadpan, pulling up the text thread with Jason.

“I did not do anything.” Bruce defends. “He’ll be home soon.” Bruce states before he walks off.

“Everything okay?” Gar asks.

“Nope.” You shake your head. “I assume they got into some sort of fight again.” You roll your eyes. “Did he text you by chance?” You ask seeing the read receipt from a few hours ago.

Gar checks his phone and the last he heard from Jason was that morning. “No, he hasn’t texted me since this morning. What’s going on?”

You: you okay? Bruce said you’re upset what happened?

“I have no idea. He was fine earlier.” You let out a sigh, looking back at Gar through the tablet screen.

“You said he’s been better, right? Maybe he’s just blowing off steam from Bruce.” Gar suggests. Jason has shared some of the stuff that's happened and has complained a little about Bruce.

“Yeah, but if that’s the case, he usually comes to me to bitch about Bruce because I always agree with him.” You give Gar a grin just as your phone goes off.

Jaybird 🥰: fuck bruce I’m fine don’t worry

You: what happened? Do you want me to come get you?

“Well he texted me back and I was right, fight with Bruce.” You roll your eyes.

They fight sometimes, usually about Robin-related things or Jason wanting to do something reckless and Bruce putting a stop to it. Jason’s usually only a mad an hour or so before he’s fine and over it. Jason doesn’t hold very many grudges.

“Did he say about what?” Gar asks.

“Nope. Just said, fuck Bruce.”

Jaybird 🥰: no just wanna be alone still you and me love you ❤️

You: call or text every so often so I know you’re okay please I love you, too 🥰

“What’d he say?” Gar asks. He worries enough for the both of you/

“He wants to be alone and when Jason wants to be alone that is never good. But we have this thing where I let him be alone and then he tells me about it later. So, I guess I have to wait. If he isn’t home or texting me in a few hours, I’ll go look for him.” You reluctantly put your phone down. Giving Jason space is never easy.

“Think he’ll be alright?” Gar asks with worry in his voice.

“Yeah, him and Bruce fight sometimes. I’m sure it’s nothing too bad, Bruce probably just said something stupid and Jason was already in a mood.” You let out a sigh as the worry feeling gnaws at your stomach.

“Did you want to still—“

“Yeah, yeah, no. We can keep watching. He said he’ll text me.” You offer a soft smile while the two of you continue your show.

It’s not fair. It’s utter bullshit. Jason can’t help the way his blood is boiling and fuming while his hands shake. Bruce doesn’t think he’s good enough to be Robin. Bruce gave up on him. Jason is supposed to be his son and Bruce gave up on him anyway but he never gave up on Dick. If Jason weren’t so weak, this whole thing never would have happened. But he’s gonna prove to Bruce he can be Robin. He can be the best Robin and he can be a better Batman, too. He just needs a little help in the fear department.

He’s desperate. He tells himself this is a one-time thing. Fear creeps in his throat, grasping to be let out in the damp air. It’s a one-time thing, he tells himself. He’s out of options if he wants to be Robin. He’s out of options if he wants to keep the most important thing in his life. All he needs is a quick fix to fear and he’ll be back out there, better than he has ever been. He’ll prove it to Bruce. Bruce is wrong about him.

Bruce thinks he’s a mistake. He thinks Jason isn't worth the trouble just like everyone else. Bruce thinks Jason is weak. He thought Jason could replace Dick and he couldn’t. Not as Robin and not as Bruce’s son. But if he can get rid of his fear, he can show him how wrong he is. He isn’t just another mistake. He isn’t weak and he’s better than Dick. He swears this will be it. It won’t be bad. He can handle this. He swears it’ll all be fine. So, he hangs up on Leslie and heads inside the gates of Arkham Asylum as rain patters around him.

He’s a master manipulator. Jason knows that. It’s one of the things he’s best at. But the desperation for a cure to fear clouds every aspect of that. The desperation doesn’t let him see why Crane wants information for the cure. He can’t see Crane’s angel in his state of paralyzed desperation. And Jason has been manipulated before. He swears he’ll know if Crane is manipulating him because he knows what to look out for this time. But, desperation and the fear of being scared forever, go hand in hand. Fear and desperation cloud everything. He tosses his loyalty from the window as he gets closer to the formula. Crane gives him a piece of it with every piece of information Jason gives him.

“Tell me about the first Robin.” Crane offers this grin that sends a chill down Jason’s spine.

“Like what?” Jason huffs.

“His name, where he is, everything you know.”

“Dick Grayson. He’s in San Francisco and goes by Nightwing.” Jason explains, throwing Dick completely under the bus. He has a problem with Dick now anyway. Dick Grayson has always been the goody two shoes and Bruce’s favorite. Jason only got to be Robin because Dick abandoned Bruce. Jason was a filler. “He’s with the Titans. He got Deathstroke’s son killed and dropped me from a skyscraper.” Jason lets out a scoff.

“Interesting. Doesn’t seem to be the golden boy Bruce portrayed him as.” Crane grins and this is easier than he thought it would be. Jason has no problems rolling, apparently and Crane knows he’s going to use that to his advantage.

He’s broken. He’s desperate and Crane has the cure he wants. This is going to be easy and Crane gets all benefits. Jason lets him take down the Bat but in the best way. Crane is going to get the Bat’s son to turn on him and get rid of him. To break him. And then Dick Grayson and all of Gotham will follow. Crane finds the whole thing a little poetic. He can use him. And Jason will never see through it once he figures out the formula.

“Yep.” Jason answers simply, wanting to get this over with and Crane offers him a piece of the formula.

“The Titans. Who are they?” Crane asks, hiding the malicious intent behind curiosity.

Jason looks up to him and he doesn’t like to throw some of the others under the bus. But Crane is here. He can’t do anything. And most of them thought he was just Dick’s weaker replacement anyway. They gave up, too.

“Rachel Roth, Raven. Hank Hall, Hawk. Dawn Granger, Dove. Kory Anders, Starfire. Conner Kent, Superboy. Gar Logan, Beast Boy.” Jason pauses, waiting to see if Crane knows more.

Of course, he does. He’s in Arkham, not living under a rock. The Bat gains a new sidekick and everyone knows about it. Crane is only taking a guess the new sidekick also was a Titan based on when you showed up and your close proximity with Robin, himself. He saw Jason’s hesitance on his face. The fear.

Crane chuckles softly. “Aren’t you missing someone, pal?” Crane asks, almost a little too warmly. “Could have sworn there was one more.”

Jason grits his teeth and he’s so sorry.

When he came up with this plan, he had a feeling Crane would want information. He came prepared for it. Part of that preparation was leaving you the hell out of it. Not you. Crane can’t know about you. Anyone but you. But he does know. He already knows you're a Titan and he already knows you work for Bruce. Jason has no choice if he wants the formula. And he is so sorry.

Jason says your name with bitterness on his tongue. “Bluejay. She doesn't really like the name thing though.” Jason answers.

Crane has a soft smile. “She’s the new bird. So many of you are birds.” Crane chuckles. “I do find it interesting you would try to leave her out of it. She’s the new edition to Batman. Let me guess,” Crane boasts around his cell. “Your girlfriend.”

Not you. You've done everything you can to save him and help him. He loves you. Not you. Anyone but you.

“No.” Jason answers. “Just friends.” He bites the words because maybe Crane doesn’t know for sure you’re together and he wants you at arm's length.

“If you want the formula, you really shouldn’t lie to me.” Crane has a sinister smile. “You wouldn’t leave her out of it if you were just friends.” Crane lets the words fall with ease.

He’s so fucking sorry.

“Yeah, okay fine. Girlfriend.” Jason spits.

He knows you’ll never forgive him if you find out. You can’t tell Molly anything but he’s here telling Crane everything. You're going to hate him. But he needs a cure. He can’t feel this way forever. He can’t do it. He doesn't think he’ll be able to live like this anymore.

“Ah, young love.” Crane smiles with that shrug of his shoulders. You're going to be an interesting obstacle in this one. He’s already trying to protect you from this. Crane knows he needs to break that bond as fast as he can if he wants this plan to work. “I want to know about her.” There’s this look that crosses Crane’s eyes and Jason almost turns around.

But he doesn’t.

“Why? She’s not with the fucking Titans and she hates Bruce. She works with him because of me. That’s it. She got a suit out of it and a place to stay.”

“I’m a bit of a romantic, myself. Love stories are cute. Always having someone on your side, through thick and thin. It is quite romantic, don’t you think? If we’re going to work together, I want to know why she’s so important to you.” Crane grins. “You can trust me, boy. We want the same things and the way the Bat has treated you…it’s so cruel. But I, I believe in you. That’s why I’m helping you. You trust me, don’t you?”

You're going to kill him. Guilt chews at his limbs. His jaw squares and he thinks swallowing his own teeth would be easier than this. But he has to. Maybe Crane is being sincere. Jason thinks he is. At least enough. Maybe if Jason tells him enough, Crane will see you aren’t a problem. Maybe he’ll see you would side with them. You want Gotham to be better, you don’t agree with Bruce’s ways. Maybe Crane will understand. He’s helping Jason, maybe he can help you. You're scared, too.

“Dick found her.” Jason answers reluctantly. “She joined the Titans. We went after Deathstroke together. Got kidnapped and dropped from the skyscraper. Dick saved her. CADMUS attacked her, Gar, and Conner when I was gone. Dick left them alone when shit hit the fan. CADMUS left her for dead. So, she came back to Gotham.” Jason explains.

“She was there with Deathstroke.” Crane lets out a sigh and like Bruce, in a way, he can always tell when someone could need him. Someone who’s been traumatized. His intentions aren’t as pure as Bruce’s. “But Dick saved her and not you. Did you save her?”

“It wasn’t like that.” Jason shakes his head. “Dick tried to save me first and dropped me. Then he saved her. But yeah,” Jason nods. “I protected her and she did the same shit for me.”

“The two of you went through something so traumatic together. That really must have brought you closer. It’s not as romantic as I was hoping for but it is quite nice.” Crane grins. “She has powers, doesn’t she?”

“Acid generation.” Jason stares, leaving out the combat clairvoyance and the possibility of you having sharp shooting abilities. Two things Crane can’t prove Jason lied about.

“Now that is interesting. Does she know you’re here right now? Asking for my help?”

“No.” Jason shakes his head. “Look, she’s got nothing to with this shit. But, I can get her on our side. The other Titans targeted me for all types of shit I didn’t do and she was the only one on my side. She’s not a fucking problem. I can handle her.”

Crane grins and that’s all he needs. Jason is already hiding something huge from you. The distrust will be there and Jason doesn’t know Crane’s whole plan. If it goes the way he thinks it will, it’ll break your relationship. He will have no one left besides Crane. Exactly how he wants it. So, he decides he’ll let Jason think he believes this whole thing and moves back to the Titans.

“I do hope you’re right.” Crane sighs. “Tell me everything that happened in San Fransisco, with all of the Titans.”

Jason lets out a sigh before he spills every piece of information. He tells him everything from Trigon to Deathstroke to CADMUS. He tells him about the Titans turning on him for something he didn’t do, you talking him off the roof. Dick's confession and Donna’s death. Everything.

Then he tells Crane everything he knows about Bruce. The manor, the Batcave. Everything. He tells Crane about his training and the cabin, how Bruce found him and how Bruce found Dick. He spills and Crane lets him talk. Crane listens a lot but asks questions where he finds needed but he mostly just lets Jason talk as Jason keeps you out of it as much as he can. Jason is far more cooperative when it comes to everyone else.

Crane figures once he figures out the formula, he can get more information on you and use it against him if he needs to. He can’t have anyone if this is going to work and Crane knows exactly how he’ll be able to accomplish it. But for now, it’s about the Titans and Bruce. By the time Jason finishes, he’s got the formula tucked away in his pocket, ready to let fear go.

Jason pulls his phone from his pocket once he’s far enough away from Arkham. He’s spent the walk running over every lie he could tell you. Guilt eats at him with every step he takes. You're gonna kill him. He’s gonna lie to you because he knows for a fact, you’ll freak out. You’ll think he’s gone off the deep end and you’ll tell Dick. You’ll drag him kicking and screaming out of Gotham. You’ll tell Arkham and he won’t be able to see Crane again. It’s not fair and it’s not right. But you can’t know. And a part of him finds that to be unfair, too because he’s gonna fix his fear while you have to suffer with yours. That’s not fair to you. So, he thinks.

Maybe he can figure out a way to bring it up without bringing it up. Maybe he can try to see how you’d feel about a way to get rid of fear. If you seem for it, then he can tell you. He can see if you want to help. But the more he thinks about that, the more he thinks about Crane.

You’d have to be involved with him. Jason doesn’t want you involved with him. Not him. And he knows, the second he tells you about Crane, you’ll lose it. Even if you want a cure-all. You’ll bail the second you hear about Crane. You would never work with a guy like that. So, he has no choice. It’s that or end it and he doesn’t want to do that either.

“Hey.” Jason says as you pick up the phone.

“Jay? Where are you? I’ve been texting you to make sure you were okay.” He can hear your worry and he thinks maybe the anti-fear drug will make him not worry. Maybe you don’t want to worry so much.

“I’m sorry.” Jason clears his throat. “I needed to clear my damn head. I’m fine. Can you come get me, please?”

“Yeah, of course. Where are you?” You answer and Jason can hear you rustling on the other end.

“I’ll text you the address.” Jason states. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” You hang up and get to your feet while Jason texts you the address.

When you reach Jason, he’s soaked. Your heart aches, feeling like it’s being squeezed right through your rib cage at the sight of him. He looks exhausted and lost. He looks distant and he is drenched from the winter rain. Something bad happened and you have no idea how you're going to be able to help.

You take off your helmet, not getting off the bike. “Jay, are you okay?”

Jason gets up from the curb and walks up to you, offering you a fake smile. “Yeah.” His jaw clenches and he doesn’t even want to go home. He doesn’t want to see Bruce. He’d rather be outside in the cold. “All good.”

“What happened?” You reach out but Jason dodges you, reaching for his helmet. A lump grows in your throat. He doesn’t dodge you. Not like that.

“Bruce took Robin away.” Jason’s voice cracks as he shakes his head.

He dodges your stare. He doesn’t want to see the look you’ll give him. On the one hand, he’ll feel guilty. He’ll feel guilty for lying and talking to Crane. And on the other, you’ll give him a look that screams pity and that is the last thing he needs. Jason Todd doesn’t need anyone’s pity.

“What do you mean?” You question.

“Like fucking permanently. He said I can’t be Robin anymore.” Jason lets out a bitter scoff as he feels the anger come back to his bloodstream.

“Jay, I’m so sorry.” You say softly.

You never thought Bruce would take it away like that. Jason has been doing everything Bruce asked him to do. Ever since the Pete Hawkins thing, Jason has backed off entirely. He is putting a real effort into therapy, really trying to let the process help. Why would Bruce rip it away from him?

“Fuck him. I’m gonna fucking show him he’s wrong. He's fucking wrong about me.” Jason grits his teeth.

“He is.” You nod your head. “Come on. Let’s get you home and warm and we can talk more, okay?”

“Whatever.” Jason scoffs, popping his helmet on before he gets on the back and holds onto you while you drive back to the manor.

You get Jason back to the manor and into a warm shower. He says almost nothing. It’s as if he’s completely numb and it breaks you to see him like this. Jason is anything but quiet in a shower with you, usually. And he’s always handsy and cheeky. But, tonight, he’s just quiet, going through the motions, stuck on his own head.

You don’t understand how Bruce could take Robin away like that. It’s not fair. Jason does what Bruce asks him to and he messes up sometimes but that’s normal. How does he not see Robin is the most important thing to him? You even told him that. And he took Robin anyway. He never should have let him be Robin in the first place if this was something that could happen. Dick almost killed someone and he didn’t take Robin from Dick. Jason tries his best. Why isn’t that good enough for Bruce?

Dick was always right about him.

Jason plops onto your bed, his eyes red and puffy. His heart feels like it’s being crushed by cinderblocks. It all hurts. How did he really let another person down? How was he fooled into believing Bruce was different than everyone else? He thinks about his dad. His dad wasn’t a good person but Jason, sometimes, wonders if it was him. Maybe it was his fault his dad was like that. Maybe it was different before him. His dad didn’t choose to be his dad. But Bruce chose it. And still is giving up on him. Jason is Bruce’s son by choice, he thought the choice of picking a son, would make it different. But it’s the same old story Jason hates retelling.

He fucks up and people give up.

“Want me to rub your back while you tell me about it?” You offer as you stand in between his legs, looking down at him.

Jason looks up at you and you always worried so much. He wishes he could be better so you wouldn’t worry about him. He wonders why you choose him. You don’t have to, like Bruce. But you do. He wonders if one day you’ll stop. If his mom and his dad and his uncle and Dick and Bruce all chose other things over him, why wouldn't you? But he looks up at you and you give him this soft smile with your fingertips brushing his knees with care and he thinks you're still different than everyone else.

Jason cracks a soft smile. “Yeah, actually. Thank you.”

“Of course.” You smile softly.

Jason switches to his stomach, facing the TV just as you did the first day you started your friends-with-benefits situation. You sit on top of him and run your hands over his back. Your hands are cold, sending goosebumps up his spine. Your hands are always cold, something he always finds a bit ironic given the acid generation warms your hands. But your fingers are soft as you trace over the scars on his back. You do it every time and he always meant to ask.

“Why do you do that?” Jason asks, his eyes closed with his head on his hands.

“Do what?” You ask as you start rubbing his shoulders.

“Trace the scars.”

“I dunno.” You shake your head and you didn’t realize you did it often enough for him to notice.

You're not even sure why you do it. It’s something mindless. Maybe it’s your subconscious wishing if you trace them enough times, it’ll remove the damage the scars have caused him, like a magic eraser. Or maybe tracing the scars is confirmation he’s real.

Sometimes, you have a hard time believing he’s real. All of this is real. You used to dream of a life outside of the basement, sometimes they’d feel so real you could swear they were. Wishful thinking.

Maybe you trace them as confirmation that the raised and paled skin is real, Jason is here with you and you're not dreaming. Maybe you like the way the scars look on his skin but he managed to pull through all of his terrible shit and make it out the other end with a smart mouth and a heart of gold anyway. Maybe, you just do it because you care about him regardless of the scars and what made them.

“Does it bother you?” You ask softly.

“No.” Jason answers. “Just wondering.”

It always makes him feel vulnerable, a harsh reminder he is not invincible as much as he likes to believe he is sometimes. He might have survived those injuries but they’re there as harsh reminders. And you touch them and he thinks maybe you find comfort in them, because you have them, too. And that’s always enough for him. He thinks it makes him feel human and real and alive. He always feels a little exposed but it’s become comforting with you.

“What happened?”

He thinks he has his lies in order. He knows he might be sabotaging the relationship. Despite everything he thinks as you massage over the scar on his back, he knows. He knows you might not forgive him. There’s always a chance you won’t be so understanding when you inevitably find out because you always figure him out. But it's a risk he has to take.

He can’t keep doing this anymore. He can’t keep not sleeping. He can’t keep shaking and freezing. He can’t keep living like this. He knows he can’t. It’ll destroy him. It’ll be miserable. The idea of going back to being useless and not good enough and a disappointment, he can’t live like that. He needs help now, before Bruce finds his replacement. Maybe you’ll understand that part.

“He fucking said he made mistakes and I guess I’m fucking one of them.” Jason scoffs from under you.

You narrow your eyes thinking Bruce didn’t actually say that. You have no faith in Bruce to communicate worth a shit given your conversation with him and given Jason and Dick. And Bruce might be very good at hiding his emotions, but you know he actually cares about Jason. You don’t think Bruce would ever tell Jason he was a mistake, even if he thought it.

“He said that?” You ask, pausing for a few seconds.

“Basically!” Jason groans. “And he doesn’t want to make more mistakes and he said I can’t be Robin anymore. He thinks I’m a fucking mental case. He doesn’t care it’s important to me. He doesn’t care that I’m doing what he wants me to. It doesn’t matter to him. It’s fucking bullshit.” Jason’s voice shakes as his back tenses under your palms.

“That’s not fair. I don’t know why he would do that. You were always a great Robin.” You say softly.

You wish you could have heard the conversation so you would know better what to say. But, you also know, even if Bruce didn’t say any of that and it came out wrong, it wouldn’t change anything for you to decipher it for him. At the end of the day, Bruce could have outright told Jason he loves him and he doesn’t want him to die and Jason would still be absolutely crushed with Robin being ripped away from him. Bruce’s delivery of the message doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything.

“Just fucking tired of being scared.” Jason lets out a defeated sigh. “Fucking gave up on me. Ya know, thought he was fucking different.” His voice is etched in pain and you wish you could take it all away. He never deserves the pain he gets.

It’s honest. He can be honest with you about that. Maybe he wants you to figure it out.

“Yeah, I get it. Being scared really sucks. You’ll get better though. I know I keep saying it but it takes time, Jay. Bruce should be giving you more time.” You say. “I’m really sorry about him.” You lean down and press a kiss to his shoulder blade. “You still have me, okay?”

He knows. He’ll always have you. Somewhere inside of him, he knows. The anxiety of you freaking out and leaving when you figure it out is there, but he also knows he’s given you every opportunity to take off and run. And you never do. You’d understand his desperation. You'd understand why he lied. He knows he still has you.

“What if there were a cure for fear?” Jason asks and he’s glad you can’t see his face. You’d know.

“What do you mean?” Your brows furrow.

“What if there was a cure? Like we can just take it and not be scared anymore.” Jason listens carefully, feeling your hands pause on his back. He knows without looking that you've got your right eyebrow raised at him, your eyes narrowing at him as if you can’t decide if he’s joking or serious.

“I mean that’d be great, but there would be consequences, right?” You question.

You're a little concerned with the question. But, that’d be insane. It’d be insane for him to really look for a cure to fear. You swear he’s just talking, doing one of his hypothetical talks he does like you do about the zombie apocalypse.

“Like what? Being fearless sounds pretty fucking good right about now.” Jason scoffs.

“We’ll, fear is just adrenaline, right? But that fear also keeps you looking both ways before crossing the street, it alerts you when someone is following you home. Without fear, also means you won’t have excitement. You’ll probably be emotionally numb to a lot of things. Not having adrenaline is dangerous though.” You answer.

“Yeah, but isn’t that fucking better than being scared all the damn time? You’re afraid of everything, too and your nightmares are back. You wouldn’t want something to stop it?” Jason looks over his shoulder.

Your nightmares came back a week and a half ago. You and Molly were on a walk and ran into Jerry’s Gotham house. You still don’t know how you missed it, but you did. You were walking and having a good time and you saw the house and that was it. You broke and it’s like all of the progress you made over the last few months evaporated into the atmosphere. Molly had to call Jason because you were having a panic attack and couldn’t snap out of it. The nightmares came back that night.

“Of course, I would.” You shrug.

You think about it and maybe it would be nice. If nothing else, just so you could get some damn proper sleep. So, you both could get some proper sleep. Maybe if you both got some sleep, you’d be better. Maybe Jason makes a good point but then you think about how happy you are when you see him and when a new movie comes out and your marathons with Gar. You wouldn’t want to trade those feelings for being fearless.

“But not if it means getting rid of everything else. Adrenaline also keeps us alive. I’ve been numb and that’s worse than being scared. Why?” You ask. “You trying to find a cure to fear or something?”

“No.” Jason scoffs, letting out a fake laugh and he was really hoping you’d be on his side with this one. “Just fucking saying, wish there were a cure. At least so I can be Robin.”

“Look, it sucks, Jaybird. But I don’t think the answer to being Robin is being fearless. You had to use that fear to survive out there, too. You’re gonna be okay and then you can go out and be your own hero. You don’t have to be Robin. Dick quit and became Nightwing. You don’t need Bruce to help people.” You say. “And I still think you’re plenty good enough. I’m just saying, if Bruce won’t let you, do it yourself when you get better. You’re good enough.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Jason sighs. “Maybe you’re right but he doesn’t believe in me anymore.” Jason says and you know it’s never your approval he’ll need. And that’s okay but you wish sometimes, like tonight, it were enough. “I’m gonna prove him wrong.”

“Good, fuck Bruce.” You smile softly. “Just…give it a little bit, okay? Keep seeing Leslie, too. She’s been helping.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jason huffs.

“I’m serious, Jason. You do sleep more now. Seeing her is helping, just keep up with it. And then we’ll go out together. Fuck Bruce. We’ll be our own team.” You let out a soft chuckle.

“Thanks.” Jason lets out a sigh.

You make good points but his mind is made up. He’s going to do this. He doesn’t have time to wait around and hope for the best. He isn’t going to Leslie. He’s going to make the anti-fear drug and he won’t be scared anymore. Maybe you're right. Maybe he’ll be numb to everything but he doesn’t care anymore. He is desperate for a cure. He needs it. Maybe he can only use it to be Robin, just to prove himself. It’ll be a quick fix and that’ll be the end of it. Just use it out there and to sleep. You make good points, but he has to do this. And he is so sorry he has to lie about it.

Jason turns from under you so he can face you and you place your hands on his chest. You have a soft smile and he feels so guilty but you’ll understand. You’ll get it when he can function better, it’s just until this whole shit wears off. You’ll get it. If anyone will, it’ll be you.

“Thanks for not giving up on me.” Jason places his hands on your thighs, his thumbs rubbing softly against your bare skin.

“You and me.” You smile softly.

“Yeah.” Jason smiles looking at the necklace hanging from your neck. You haven't taken it off since he gave it to you. “You and me.”

“You okay?” Your voice is filled with love as you ask. No one ever asked like that before.

“Yeah.” Jason answers simply. “Just glad you’re here.”

“You sure? I’m really worried about you.” Your brows knit together. “You know I’ll always be here. No matter what.”

“I’m not gonna walk off a roof, I swear.” Jason’s eyes widen as a grin tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Good. I just know this is bad for you. I just hope you believe me because I believe in you.”

Jason sits up and places his fingers under your chin. “Thanks. Look, I’ll be fucking fine. Trust me. I got a plan.” Jason offers you a grin.

“That’s still mildly unsettling coming from you.” You smile. “What’s the plan?” You widen your eyes as your hands come to his shoulders, a teasing smirk coming to your lips.

“You’ll see.” Jason drops his hand to your waist.

“Oh, you’re not gonna tell me?” You laugh.

“What’s that you always say?” Jason teases. “We don’t always get what we want.” And he says your name, it comes out a little groveled but his voice is teasing.

“Shut up.” You groan.

“Do you trust me?” Jason asks as his hands squeeze your hips softly.

“Of course, I do. You know I do.” You answer.

“Trust me then. I got a plan. I’ll be back out there and proving everyone else wrong.” Jason holds his head with confidence.

You raise a brow at him. “Why do I have a bad feeling about that?” Jason and plans aren’t always a bad combination but he is desperate and hurt right now. You remember the last plan he had when he felt this way.

“Don’t. I got this. Like you said, I’ll be fine.” Jason presses a kiss to your lips.

“Right yeah, you will be.” You let out a sigh and you think it can’t be that bad. He’d tell you. “Okay. You’ll tell me through, right?”

“Of course, you and me.” Jason gives you a wild grin.

He hopes you won’t be mad.

The next day, Jason rents an apartment and sets up to work on making the anti-fear drug. ?You had plans with Molly anyway and that was the perfect excuse for him to get here all by himself to get to work. Plus, Bruce had to go out of town so that's one less person he has to worry about.

He feels guilt gnawing at his stomach like a bad stomach ulcer. But he works anyway. He works through it because this is the only way. And even if he wanted to back out, he already told Crane everything. If he wanted to back out, Crane could use that information against him. But, he doesn’t want to back out anyway, so he pushes the guilt and anxiety away as he puts together a botched drug.

You grow suspicious over the next few days. Jason is making weird and random excuses not to hang out. He’s always trying to get you to hang out more with Molly or for you to head to Excellent Gotham and get to know Tim better. You always need more friends, apparently. Normally, you wouldn’t think too much of it. Or you’d be worried he was distancing himself to leave. But it’s Jason and he’s definitely hiding something, so you follow him one day.

Your phone rings as you hide in the alley beside the building Jason walked into.

“Hello?” You ask.

“Why are you following me?” Jason asks.

He caught onto you following him a few blocks from the apartment he’s been using. He was Robin and a street kid, he knows when someone is following him. And he feels bad about it. For you to follow him, you have to be really worried. He doesn’t track you unless you get kidnapped and you don’t track him on his phone. You don’t follow each other. But you are. And he needs to find a way to assure you.

“I—“ You pause. “I-I’m not following you.” You scoff.

“Yeah, you are.” Jason states as he walks through the opposite end of the alley.

“Why do you think that?” You raise, crossing your arm across your chest.

“I can see you.” Jason answers, pulling the phone away from his ear as you jump, turning around to see Jason.

To be fair, you should have known he'd figure it out. But, you tried to be subtle and keep a far enough distance away from him. You put in a lot of effort. He's just more vigilant than you are, apparently.

“Oh, hey, Jay.” You give him a cheeky smile with a nervous laugh. “Whatcha doing?”

You might be following him. You might be figuring it out a little sooner than he'd personally like. But, he does find it a little cute. And a little amusing you really thought Jason wouldn't figure it out.

“Walking, what’re you doing, babe?” Jason quips, closing the rest of the distance between you.

You sigh in defeat. “Following you.”

Jason lets out a hearty laugh. “No shit. Why?”

“You’ve been…weird, sneaking around. Worried about you.” You groan as you scrunch your nose.

He's really not trying to worry you. He doesn't want you to worry about him anymore. Even if you would be completely against an anti-fear drug, a part of him thinks maybe if he has it, you won't have too many reasons to worry about him anymore. The way Jason sees it, he was always better off with less fear. Maybe the drug helping him, will help you. In a roundabout way.

“You don’t have to worry. I’m just working on something, alright?” He’s giving you that toothy grin that is always trouble.

“Right…that’s not nearly as reassuring as you think it is.” You quip back, the smile falling short.

“It’s a surprise, alright? Don’t worry so much.”

“A surprise?” You raise a brow.

“A surprise.” Jason echoes and it’s not technically a lie. “You said you trust me.”

“I do.” You groan. “I’m sorry. You just never sneak around. It’s weird, even for you.”

You chew the inside of your cheek and maybe you're being paranoid. You've always been a little on the paranoid side, especially since Jerry. And the paranoia decided to come back in full force with the nightmares. Maybe you're just paranoid, more worried about losing him. Things have been good, between you at least, you always get scared when things are good for too long.

Jason puts his hands on your shoulders. “I’m fine, babe. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Promise?” You ask.

“Promise.” Jason nods.

“Fine.” You sigh, taking his arms off of your shoulders and holding his right hand. “Just…whatever you’re up to, be careful.”

“Always.” Jason beams, pressing a kiss to your cheek. “I’ll see you at home, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.” You sigh, kissing him softly.

“Love you.” Jason grins, walking past you.

“I love you, too.” You watch him walk off and you really have a bad feeling about this one. But you can’t follow him and you have no reason not to trust him. So, you let him walk as you head back the way you came.

The next day, Jason gets the formula right. He uses an inhaler to take it and every fear he has ever had, melts away. It works. He did it. He got his cure to fear. So, he heads back to Arkham, high on the drug to confirm to Crane he got it despite the shotty formula.

And Crane already had a plan in motion. He had a feeling Jason would figure it out. So, he set up a plan and it’s time for the plan to go into motion so they can make Gotham theirs. Crane needs Jason to prove it works. What better way than to have him face off with the Joker alone? That’ll surely prove it. But, what Jason doesn’t know, is that Crane knows the downside to life without fear. Of course, he does. He’s the expert in it. Crane already has someone on the outside ready to handle it when this does not go the way Jason thinks it will. But is it perfect for Crane, another thing to hold over Jason’s head to control him.

And Jason doesn’t see the motive. So, Crane tells him to go after the Joker to prove it works and prove to the Bat he can do this. Jason doesn’t need Bruce. He can take care of the Joker all by himself. Jason, lacking all apprehension and self-preservation thanks to the drug, agrees easily. He’s not scared of him.

That next night, Jason convinces you to run out to the store. You were talking about needing some supplies for your scrapbook. You're reluctant at first, but decide to go. It’ll be quick. And Jason gets to work tracking the Joker.

But, with Jason at home, something just does not feel right to you. You make it all the way to the store, hoping the feeling will it go away, but it doesn't. So, you decide to call Molly, maybe Molly can talk you down.

“Hey.” Molly chimes through the phone.

“Hey, you busy?” You ask as you sit on the bike outside of the store.

“No, what’s up?”

You pause. It’s eating at you. Jason was weird as fuck last night when he came home and he’s been weird today. Convincing you to go to the store was weird. Him not coming with is also weird. And you have that feeling in the pit of your stomach. You shouldn’t have left.

“You….uh, I don’t know. I think I’m having a bad feeling so I just…need to talk I think.” You shake your head, the helmet weighing on your head a bit.

“What’s going on? Where’s Jason?” Molly asks.

“Home.” You answer. “I went to the store, he didn’t wanna come.”

“Is everything okay with you guys?”

“Yeah, yeah, all good. Not, uh, not what I wanted to talk about actually.”

“What’s going on?”

“Uh…do you…you know when something bad is gonna happen like really bad and you just….get this feeling? Like…right in the center of your stomach?”

You think you're being paranoid. It only happened once when your mom died. But since Jerry, you're always paranoid and the feeling comes back. Sometimes it’s wrong. Sometimes, it’s just you being paranoid. And you know that’s what this has to be because what could possibly happen to Jason at the manor?

“Yeah.” Molly nods her head because it happened with her mom. She just knew. “You have that feeling?”

“Yeah…I don’t know. Sometimes it's wrong. But it just…I don’t know. Feels bad.” You let out a sigh.

“When did it start?”

“Right before I left. Like, I got on the bike and I just….I don’t know. I think I’m gonna go home.” You shake your head and you can go home. You can always come back tomorrow.

“Are you sure? I mean...what if it’s a coincidence? Two’s a coincidence.” Molly tries to assure you.

“Yeah, I know but….what if it’s not? Can you stay on the phone with me while I get back?” You just can’t do it. It’s not a big deal.

“Yeah, of course.” Molly nods her head and you start the bike, taking off back to the manor. “What do you think it is?” Molly asks, mostly to talk you down.

“I don’t know.” You answer. “Jason’s been acting weird lately. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s not….he’s…something’s off with him and I don’t know why I came. He told me to and maybe I listen to him a little too much sometimes. He said he was fine but I don’t know. I got a real bad feeling.” You groan.

“How far are you from the manor?”

“Like twenty minutes.”

“Well, if something is going on, you’re not that far and you haven’t been gone long. He couldn’t have gotten into too much trouble.” Molly tries to assure you but it doesn’t work.

The more you talk, the more paranoid you get. You know Molly is right. He couldn’t have gotten into too much trouble in the last half hour. But you worry anyway.

“Yeah, hey, can you conference him in? Just…give me some piece of mind before I get back.”

“Yeah, of course.” Molly states as she pulls the phone away from her ear and adds Jason to the call. The two of you listen as the phone rings and rings and rings. And then goes to voicemail.

“Fuck.” You let out a scoff as panic starts to flood your system.

“Maybe he’s--”

“No, he’d answer if it were you while I’m out. Call again.” You state and Molly does as told, getting voicemail again. You shake your head and you pull the throttle back, kicking the bike into third.

“Slow down.” Molly urges. “I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he’s just in the bathroom.” Molly says as she hears the bike rev further.

“He’d answer. I know he would. Double calls. He would because why would you call him twice in a row unless it were important?” You argue.

You're begging for you to be wrong. You hope against everything in your body you're wrong. This one time, you have to be wrong.

“Okay, so what do you think is going on?” Molly asks.

“I don’t know!” You groan. “That’s the problem. I have no idea what’s been going on with him. I followed him a few days ago and he brushed it off. Like it was no big deal but he was sneaking around behind my back. He said he was planning something or some shit. Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.”

“You don’t think he’s like cheating--”

“No! Of course, not. He would never. I….” You bite your tongue because Molly doesn’t know about Robin. “I don’t know what the fuck he’s been doing but now he’s not answering. And I got this feeling. Hold on I’m at a stop light.” You groan, quick-dialing Jason as you watch the red light. The two of you listen as it goes to voicemail. And you try again. Voicemail. “Something’s wrong.” You say as the light turns green and you start weaving between cars.

“Because he’s not answering and you have a feeling? You sound paranoid.”

“I know.” You grit your teeth. “But he’d answer for me. I know he would. Especially calling him twice. He’d answer. I just...remember a few weeks ago when he got his ass kicked?”

“Yeah.” Molly wishes she could forget.

“Okay, so what if he went out on his own to try that guy again or something?” You spit, avoiding details about Robin because you're thinking he’s out Robining alone for some sort of spite against Bruce. He’s still mad. And maybe he froze and it got bad.

“Why would he do that?”

“Because he’s Jason.” You let out a breath.

You get back to the manor, switching the call to your phone instead of your helmet. You make your way into the manor and call for Jason. The manor is silent. It’s not even like that’s abnormal. Jason isn’t really loud and neither is Bruce. But, the quiet and lack of Jason answering is eery and unsettling.

You search your rooms and living rooms and kitchens. He’s nowhere to be found and your heart sinks further. So, you go to the Batcave. Hoping maybe, he’s just training. Maybe Molly is right. Maybe he’s just busy. Maybe his phone died and he didn’t realize it. That’s possible. It’s Jason. He isn’t the type that’s glued to his phone. Maybe.

But that hope dies as you reach the Batcomputer, seeing Amusement Mile pulled up with the Joker’s location.

No, no, no, no.

“I’m sure he went out and he’ll be--”

“Fuck!” You yell as you look to the display case. The Robin suit is gone.

Molly calls your name and now she’s worried.

“What a fucking---” You cut yourself off as you grit your teeth. “Molly, I gotta go.”

“Molly yells your name, her voice now completely panicked.

“I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll call you. I have to call Bruce.” You rush as you hang up, running over to your own display case holding your suit. You rip the case open and grab the suit as you put Bruce on speaker. “Bruce!?” You yell into the phone as you jump around, getting the suit on as fast as you can.

This can’t be happening. The Joker? Of all fucking people, that’s who he decides he’s going to go after to prove himself? Why the hell would he ever do that? You try your best not to focus on the millions of questions you have for him and the fact you're ready to scream at him for the twenty-four hours. You have to focus because it’s the fucking Joker. He’s taken too much from you.

Bruce can hear the absolute panic in your voice. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Jason! I fucking told you! He went after the fucking Joker!” You scream into the phone as you zip the front of your suit and put the mask over your mouth.

“I told him not to.” Bruce says calmly, but a part of him is panicking.

Bruce doesn’t panic but there is no way you would be calling him and telling him this if it weren’t true. Jason knows better. Why would he go after the Joker? On his own?

“Oh, because Jason is so fucking good at following instructions?!” You run over to the weapons once you're completely suited up.

On the one hand, Bruce could send you after him. That’s at least, two against one. But, it’s the Joker. And Bruce knows he’s more ruthless than anyone. It’s a fun game to him like whack-a-mole. And the prize is always bloodshed. He also knows how you feel and if he sends you, not only could you go out and get killed but you could kill him first. That’s a life on Bruce’s conscious.

“Do not go anywhere. I’m on a flight—“

“No! You don’t get to tell me to fucking sit here and hope for the fucking best. He is everything to me and I am not gonna sit here and let him get fucking killed, Bruce!” You seeth and the Joker should have been killed a long fucking time ago. You swear, if the Joker even lays a single finger on him, you’ll do it her damn self. Bruce is too much of a coward of what he could become if he did it. You don’t care. “The Robin suit is gone, the Joker is gonna fucking kill him and it’s all your fault!” You scream as you gather knives.

“Stay put.” Bruce is stern on the other line. “It will be dangerous and you aren’t prepared--”

“No! Fuck you!” You snip back, gathering as many knives as you can carry. “I’m gonna save him, kill the damn Joker since you’re too damn cowardly to do it and then I’m calling Dick.” You fume on the other end. “I’m gonna beg him if I have to to come and bring us back to San Franciso because fucking clearly, he’s worse off here!” You scream before hanging up the phone and heading towards the exit.

It’s not that he’s scared or even feeling uneasy. His head is clouded with a sense of nothing. Everything is just numb as he cuts the chain into the amusement park.

Jason should be scared and there’s a gnawing at the back of his head that is screaming and howling for him to be scared. To turn around. This is a bad idea. This is bad. There are red flashing lights begging him to turn around but that sense of adrenaline that would normally kick in and give him a little bit of common sense and self-preservation is being suppressed. It doesn’t exist. So, the normally loud and blinding lights that have been causing him so much pain over the last few months, aren’t loud enough. They’re useless.

As he walks further into the amusement park, he finds old and run-down games that grab his attention. This is the Joker’s hideout. It’s known. Of course, the maniac clown would like a closed amusement park. And Jason knows he should be hypervigilant. This is the Joker’s turf and he knows the Joker is here. But the drug keeps suppressing that, too.

He knows he should be more aware and more on guard but the drug gives him a false sense of confidence. He can do this. It’s the Joker. He’s just some crazy clown and if Bruce can take him down several times, Jason can do it. Bruce trained him, right? He knows better though. He should be scared and more aware. but then there’s a noise from behind him and he jumps anyway.

His heart skips before plummeting back into a resting rhythm as he spots a dead man with a creepy smile tugged on display. Jason’s eyes widen and there’s this small, tiny bit of fear that seems to bypass the anti-fear drug like a leaky faucet. And Jason starts to hear and see the red flashing lights in the back of his head in perfect color. But the point is that he isn’t supposed to feel fear at all.

Maybe his formula is a little off. How is he feeling any sense of fear? It’s barely there, barely even noticeable but it’s there enough where if he were in a normal state of mind, that alone would send him into a panic. He’d panic about being worried he’s going to panic. And that thought with the mixing of the drug, makes him miss the creeping steps of the Joker from behind him.

With a quick swing, a crowbar connects to Jason’s head and he’s sent right to the ground.

His head throbs and aches, a horrendous and shooting pain sending his head into a spin as his stomach turns. Blood drips down from his forehead, the warm liquid seeping down his cheek as he looks up to see the menacing and sadistic smile of the Joker looking down at him just as he pulls his arm back for another swing.

This swing connects with his jaw and Jason can hear the bone break. Jason’s mouth pools with blood, the taste of iron already becoming more nauseating. He groans out in agony as the Joker takes another hit to his head, his laugh echoing through the park.

His laugh rings through Jason’s ears with every blow and Jason thinks that laugh can penetrate any type of anti-fear drug. His hearing seems to get worse and worse but that laugh could pierce through solid steel. And he’s not supposed to be scared anymore.

But the Joker hits him again and Jason coughs up blood and fear starts to rush into his veins. Maybe it’s the overwhelming amount of adrenaline making the anti-fear drug wear off a lot sooner than it should. Maybe his formula needs to be tweaked. Maybe the anti-fear drug has a side effect, maybe it doesn’t work when he’s on the brink of death. Jason can’t think straight enough to figure it out. Instead, all he thinks is that he has never been more terrified than he is right now.

SMACK

WHACK

CRACK

Jason’s bones break as Joker takes a break from his face and works on his side and then his arms and legs. He swears this is the worst pain he has ever been in. The Joker hits him over and over and over again, the pain getting worse and worse as tears brim his eyes. He claws at the ground in desperation, a failing attempt to move away. But, the bones are being broken one by one and he can feel the shards with every movement. And he is so fucking sorry.

SMACK

He’s so sorry to Bruce because he should have listened. He should have been a better Robin. He should have listened. He’s so sorry he wasn’t better. He’s so sorry he wasn’t a better son. He tried his absolute best but he could have tried harder. Maybe he could have told Bruce what was going on. Maybe he could have told Bruce more about therapy. Maybe he could have explained anything that ever happened with him. Maybe he could have just tried to be a son. He’s so sorry and all he wants to do is tell Bruce he’s sorry. And thank you.

He wants to thank Bruce for trying. For taking him in. Letting him be his son and letting him be Robin. Bruce, in his weird way, cared about him and loved him. He tried even if he sucked at it sometimes. Jason wants to tell Bruce thank you.

SMACK

Jason screams as the crowbar finally shatters one of his ribs. His breathing is becoming ragged as the Joker takes another swing to Jason’s chest. The Robin suit offers a lot of protection but the Joker is relentless. He’s getting off on every scream and groan and gasp Jason lets out. It’s as if the sight of the blood seeping onto the ground and the backswing of splatter gets him off. He’s having the time of his life beating Jason to death. And Jason has never been more scared.

SMACK

He’s so scared and sorry. He’s so fucking sorry to you and he would give anything to tell you that right now. All he wants to do is call you. He wants to take it all back. He wants to go back home and crawl into your bed with you. He wants to hug you and kiss you and promise he’s doing okay and he’ll be okay. And you’ll be okay. He wants to promise you that it’ll all work out in the end, even if he doesn’t make it. He wants to tell you not to be mad or sad because he doesn’t deserve it. You don’t deserve to dwell on his inevitable death.

You both knew it was going to be him. You liked to fool yourself into thinking maybe it would be you but at the end of the day, you both knew it would always be him. Jason always knew it was gonna be him who died first. And he wants nothing more than to promise you it’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. He doesn’t want you to run yourself into the ground over him. But he knows you and he knows as the Joker takes another horrendous and agonizing hit to his skull, you’ll be miserable. This will be it for you. He’s not gonna make it and you're gonna lose your entire mind. You always said you would. And it’s all his fault.

SMACK

CRACK

He wants to shake you and tell you he’s so fucking sorry. He should have just told you what was going on. He should have told you. You would have helped him. You wouldn’t have been mad or yelled at him. Of all people, you would have understood why he went to Crane. You would have gotten it. You always understood him. And he should have told you.

He shouldn’t have lied to you. He’s so fucking sorry. And he’s so sorry for not loving you better, you deserve someone who’s not gonna do this. You deserve someone who’s not gonna get killed and didn’t even stand a damn chance. And he is so sorry he’s going to leave you alone.

He doesn’t think he’s gonna make it.

The Joker's laugh starts to sound further away as he takes another blow to the right side of his face, the crowbar connecting hard and steady against his ear. Then he can’t hear anything from that ear at all as blood starts to drip out. It’s the worst headache of Jason’s life. He can hear his skull cracking under the blows. He feels the blood seeping through his suit and onto the ground. There’s so much blood. He’s lightheaded and dizzy. It’s so hard to breathe.

SMACK

He’s not gonna make it.

And he finds himself, hoping against all odds, that someone will find him soon anyway. Maybe help will come just in time. Bruce is supposed to be the world’s greatest detective. Jason is his son. He’d figure it out. Maybe he already did and he’s actually close. Maybe he lied to Jason and he’s actually in Gotham and on his way. And maybe, you figured it out.

You're smart. You can fight off the Joker enough to get you both to safety. You were trained by Jason, Dick, Bruce. Jason believes you could do it. Maybe you're on your way. You're smart. You know Jason better than anyone. You’ll figure it out. You always figure it out. Maybe help is coming.

SMACK

Everything goes black for just a few seconds and then it’s blurry and shifted. He can’t see out of his right eye. Jason doesn’t know what’s going on as the Joker takes another smack. His laugh is just a reverberation now. The only sound he can even hear is the cracking of bones. Nothing else. And he doesn’t think he can breathe real well. He can’t move his jaw. He can’t even find the strength to try to move anymore. It all hurts and there’s so much blood.

Jason silently begs for the help he doesn’t realize will be too late just as the Joker takes a larger and harder blow to the front of his face.

He doesn’t think he’s gonna be able to hold on.

You drive to the abandoned carnival, coming up on one of the gates. Jason’s bike and helmet are right outside and the chain to the gate has been cut. You know. You know this isn’t good. It’s completely silent and you are terrified.

Silence can’t be good and a part of you hopes that maybe the Joker wants to play with Bruce. Maybe the Joker wants to kill Jason in front of him, to taunt him, that’ll give you some time to have a plan and get you both out of there, maybe. Or Bruce could make it in time to save you both.

But you creep around the grounds, cautiously but quickly. You're paying close attention to your head, making sure you don’t miss it if the throbbing you're certain will start. But, it doesn’t. Instead, you reach an open tunnel with carnival games and there’s someone lying on the ground.

It’s dark and despite you knowing damn well if it were the Joker on the ground, Jason would be over him bragging and cheering for himself, you hope it’s the Joker anyway. You hope against everything that the person laying on the ground is the Joker.

The closer you get though, the more you get the picture of the yellow and black cape.

Jason.

“No…” Your lip quivers as you pause. You're terrified to get any closer. It can’t be Jason. It can’t be. It can’t be. It can’t be. He’s strong and smart. He knows better. “No, no, no, no…” Your voice cracks as you start to walk closer and you can see him now.

There’s blood everywhere. He’s laying in a puddle of red and there’s blood splatter on the ground and the games. A bloody crowbar is tossed to the side and Jason is completely still. Your heart is in your throat as you close the distance, dropping to your knees.

“Jay…” Your voice is a whimpered whisper as you put your hand on his shoulder, pulling him to face you.

His body is completely limp and as he turns, you get the gruesome sight of what the Joker has done.

Jason’s face is mangled and unidentifiable. You can see his teeth through his jaw while there’s blood and bruising around the other side of his face. His face is swollen and paler than usual. There’s blood smeared across his face and on his lips. Some of his hair is wet with blood and sticking to his forehead. And his eyes are closed, not even trying to open.

Your heart shatters in that instant. The weight of the world has been on your shoulders for years and with the sight of his body, the world finally falls. It tumbles around you, breaking into unfixable pieces. The foundation keeping you steady is lifeless and cold and bloody.

Your lip quivers as tears start to trickle down your cheeks. Everything around you feels heavy and cold. The lump in your throat is so big and hard, you swear it’ll suffocate you finally and you’ll finally be out of this misery. The reaper creeps back from the shadow of your head, a smile similar to Joker’s shining back at you and he’s finally won. He won in a way you never thought he would.

Killing the last good parts of you, by killing him.

“Jason…” You whimper, one of your hands hesitantly going to his neck to check for a pulse. Nothing. There’s no pulse, just cold skin under the blood. “No…” You whine, tears now blurring your vision. You lean down, trying to hear him breathe and there’s nothing. He’s completely still. No breathing. Nothing. Just lifeless. “Jay, please, you can’t die.” You let out a sob, pulling Jason’s body into your lap. “I love you. You can’t die. I need you.” Your words are slurred as your nose runs and the cries grow louder.

You sob, rocking back and forth. You knew it would happen. You knew. And you should have known Jason was up to something when he didn’t go with you today. You should have known. He can’t be dead.

You swallow the lump in your throat, moving to rest Jason’s head flat on the ground while you pull out your phone, hands covered in blood. You call Bruce, putting the phone on speaker and then you start CPR. You swear it’ll be useless but you have to try anyway.

You swore every single day that you would never give up on him. And CPR isn’t going to help, but fuck it, you're not going to give up. So, you try anyway. You have to fucking try.

“Did you find him?” Bruce asks as soon as he answers.

Those words get you to let out another cry, your arms shaking as you push down on Jason’s chest. “Bruce!” You scream as your arms tremble.

Everything stops for Bruce. Pain shoots through his heart like a barbed wire arrow. He knows. He knows that cry because he’s let it out himself all those years ago. He’s heard other people. Babs. Dick. He knows and yet, it can’t be true. Not his son.

“What happened?” Bruce shakes his head, using all of his willpower not to let his voice shake.

“What do I do?” You cry, your cries are loud but there’s a weakness in your voice. “He’s not breathing and the Joker beat him with a fucking crowbar! Bruce, what do I do?” You beg Bruce to help. Your voice is slurred and panicked, pleading with all of the energy in you. He’s fucking Batman, he has to help. “What do I do? He’s not breathing. There’s so much blood, Bruce, help, please. You have to save him. Help me save him, please. Bruce, I can’t lose him, I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t.” You keep pumping on Jason’s chest but you swear it’s not working and not just because the Robin suit is so sturdy you're barely getting a compression in. You beg him and beg him, as if your pleas are enough to bring Jason back.

“I’ll send someone, keep doing CPR.” Bruce instructs with a square jaw.

“Bruce, I don’t…..I don’t think it’s helping.” You wail and you can’t breathe. It’s so hard to breathe. “I don’t think…..Bruce….” You let out a cough as your elbows shake and you're losing rhythm of the chest compressions.

“Keep going, don’t stop until they get there. I’m landing soon.” Bruce instructs and he never should have gone. He should have seen it. How the hell did he miss this?

“There’s so much blood…Bruce.”

Barbara Gordon and a few trusted people close to Bruce show up first. They find you still trying to perform CPR. You're slower now, and you're not getting the impact you need to make a difference. Your arms are weak and you're nearly hyperventilating and choking on your own tears.

The paramedics try their best to get you off of him but you scream and yell and cry for them to get off of you. You shove them off of you and you try and try and try. Bruce is still on the phone, telling you to let them do their job but you can’t. You can’t do it. You can’t because then you give up. You can’t give up on him. Not him.

“Hey.” Barabra wheels over a few feet away from you and she gets a look at the damage as her stomach turns and she knows he’s gone. “You need to stop.” Her voice is calm as she tries to keep it together.

“No!” You scream and you feel too weak to deal with any of it. He was your everything. “I can’t.”

The paramedics look at Babraba waiting to be told what to do and they know, too. His face is completely destroyed. He’s unrecognizable. The only reason Barabra even knows it’s Jason is because of the Robin suit. There’s brain matter on the ground. There’s more blood on the ground than there is in his body.

“Bluejay.” Barbara calls again, her voice cracking and this gets you to look at her. Even in the dark, Babara can see the redness of your eyes and the tears shining on the top half of your cheek above your mask. “He’s gone.” Babraba’s eyes go misty and you shake your head.

“No…” You whine and you finally stop but your hands stay on his chest. “No, not…no.” You let out a sob and you can’t even see Barbara anymore, the tears have blurred everything together. “I can’t.” You fall back, one of the paramedics catching you so you don’t hit the pavement too hard. The other paramedic jumps in and to Jason, just to be completely positive.

You shove the paramedic off of you and walk the few feet weakly to Barbara. “I-I…what--” You suck in a harsh breath, your breathing so rapid you feel like you're going to pass out.

“Sit down.” Barbara tries to keep her composure and you collapse with a loud sob, your entire chest feeling like it’s been set on fire with gasoline.

It can’t be him. Why him? He was good. He was a good person and funny and smart and kind. Jason had a heart of gold. Why did it have to be him? It never should have been him. He always deserved so much better. He never deserved this. This isn’t fair. It’s not right and it’s so fucking painful you wish the ground would just open up and swallow you whole.

“Babs!” You scream. “I-I-I don’t I don’t wanna do it anymore.” Your teeth grit together as your words are wet and slurred.

You can’t breathe. You can’t breathe. It’s hard to breathe and your chest feels like it’s all caving in under the pressure. Maybe putting your heart in a pressure cooker would be less painful than this. Everything fucking hurts.

Barbara rests a hand on your shoulder and she knew Jason was reckless but she didn’t think he’d ever actually get himself killed. He was smart. Smarter than this. You cover your face with your hands, not caring you're covered in Jason’s blood. You just want everything to stop. The pain and the world and time and everything. You want it all to be over.

“I’m so sorry.” Barbara offers and there is nothing she can say that’s going to make this better.

“I can’t.” You spit and push Barabra’s hand off you before getting to your feet.

You push through the pain, running away. Barbara yells after you but you do not care. You make yourself run through the pain and the weakness. If you can do anything, it’s run from it. You want to run as far as your legs will let you. To the bike where you can speed away from it all. Speed so fast the pain goes away. The agony will fade if you run. You can do it. You tell yourself you can as tears fall down your face. You toss the helmet on and hop on the bike, and leave. You've always been good at running. You can run from it.

You're in the bathroom back at the manor, scrubbing the blood off of your hands through tears. Everything is blurry and painful. It’s burning and agonizing and stabbing. It aches and throbs. Breathing is the hardest thing you've ever done. You try to get in a full breath but every time you do, a sob immediately follows and it’s like the wind is knocked out from your lungs all over again. Your head is spinning with a throbbing headache and your eyes are so puffy you can barely open them. But, there’s blood staining your hands, Jason’s blood, and you have to get it off. You have to get it off.

Get it off. Get it off. Get it off.

You grit your teeth so hard that your jaw starts to pulse and you hate it. You hate this so much. You hate it and you want him back. You need him. He is everything to you. He is your everything. He is your best friend and you love him more than you've ever loved anyone. And he’s supposed to take care of you and you're supposed to take care of him. And it’s not fair and it’s senseless and it was brutal and you scream at the top of your lungs before falling to the floor. You lean against the counter, pulling your legs to your chest as you put your hands on your face because you can’t do this anymore

You talked about what life you could have together. And you swear you saw it. For the first time, you were optimistic about a future. Because you had him. He gave you all of this hope for the future because Jason could survive anything. He was supposed to survive anything. He was good at it. Dodging whatever fucked up shit the world was going to throw at him. And now he’s not. He didn’t dodge fast enough. And you were supposed to have an apartment one day together. And make dinner together. And have a dog and a cat because Jason always really liked cats. He’d come home and you’d clean up the blood and he’d do the same for you when patrol got a little messy. You were supposed to have a life together.

You don’t know how you're supposed to get up again after this.

And then Molly walks in.

She’s been crying since Bruce called her and asked her to check on you. He’s worried about what you might do and seeing you on the floor absolutely hysterical, she knows why. Of course, she knew it would be bad. Her best friend just lost the person she loves. Of course, you're going to be a mess but….you're covered in blood and Bruce didn’t tell her what happened. And on top of that, you still have the suit on, minus the mask, which is another surprise Molly did not expect to get today.

Molly says your name with hesitance as she walks in, sitting on the floor in front of you.

You look up, moving your hands. “M-Molly.” You whine, your bottom lip trembling, the hood of your suit barely lets Molly get a glimpse of your face that’s covered in blood as well.

Molly nods. “Bruce called.” Her voice is just above a whisper.

“He….Molly…h-h-he…d-di-died..” You let out a sob as you shake your head and you just want it to be done. You're so fucking tired.

“I know.” Molly lets out a soft cry, sniffling softly.

“H-he’s dead.” Your entire body jerks with another cry as you hang your head. You're so fucking tired. Tired of all of it.

“I know.” Molly closes the distance between you, pulling you into a hug and allowing you to completely break against her. And then Molly starts crying because Jason was her best friend, too. “I’m so sorry.” Molly manages to get out.

“I can’t do it.” Your voice is weak against her.

“Can’t what?” Molly pulls away, her hands still on your shoulders as if trying to stabilize you.

Any of it. You can’t do any of it. You're covered in his blood and it all hurts. You're weak and tired and exhausted. It’s all agonizing and paralyzing and numb. It’s all too much. And you just cannot do any of it anymore.

“Blood and…” Your breathing is labored, your head swaying slightly. And you're so lightheaded and nauseous. “Do this.”

“One thing at a time.” Molly stands up and grabs a wash rag, wetting it with soap and water. Molly can break later. You need help. “Let me see.” You hand your hand to Molly and Molly starts cleaning.

Molly expects to find some sort of wound but she finds nothing. The more she scrubs, the more blood comes off and it’s just your skin under it. And she shakes her head because what the fuck happened to Jason that got you covered in his blood? A part of her almost doesn’t want to know. But, she has to ask anyway. Bruce was a little vague. So, after a few minutes, with your cries becoming quieter, Molly decides to ask.

“C-can I ask you what happened?” Molly is seeing that you're actually one of the suited vigilantes that roam Gotham so she’s guessing something with a bad guy went a little south.

And you don’t care anymore. None of it matters anymore. Jason is dead. It’s not his secret anymore. You're in your suit anyway and Bruce isn’t home. You're all alone anyway.

“Joker beat him to death with a crowbar.” You answer plainly Molly feels her stomach turn.

“What?” Molly’s heart stops in her chest.

You nod as you sniffle, watching Molly clean the remainder of Jason’s blood from your hands. “He was Robin.” Your voice is hoarse as you talk.

Molly pauses, blinking at you and she’s so confused. And this whole thing is growing more and more unsettling. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked.

“He…Jason was Robin?”

You nod again, sniffling. “Yeah.”

“You found him?” Molly asks. Why did you have to find him? Of all people, it just had to be you. Of course, it was you.

“Yeah.” More tears start to fall from your eyes and you can see him every time you blink. That’s going to be your last memory of him and it hurts so fucking bad you want to leave.

“I’m…I’m sorry. Is this all his?” Molly’s voice grows a little panicked. She can’t even imagine the sight you walked in on.

“There was a lot of blood. The head bleeds a lot.” You clear your throat before you sniffle again.

Molly is terrified you're going to start giving her gory details. Not on purpose but because you're too tired to care. The crying is slowing down and that always means you will talk. You stop caring and then you talk. Molly doesn’t want to know and you don’t need to relive the horror verbally.

“Okay, um…okay you stay here. I’m gonna get you some clothes.” Molly stands up quickly.

“C-can you…Jsaon’s room, there’s a…maroon hoodie. It was his favorite.” You look up at her as Molly heads to the doorway.

“Yeah, I’ll be back.” Molly nods quickly.

You let out another cry and you don’t think you’ll be able to survive this one. It’s too heavy. It’s too much. There’s only so much one person can take. And you swear as you shiver on the bathroom door with broken sobs tearing up your throat that Jason Todd was your breaking point. Jason Todd is dead and you swear you’ll never recover.

prev. chapter | next chapter

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

A/n: So, this is what Jason looks like in his death scene and he looks scared. Which, is probably a plothole because Titans (or them trying to throw us off since it's episode 1 ?? idk) but I decided I was just gonna use that anyway for fun lol Also fun fact, I was originally not going to include his death scene since we saw it in the show but then I rewatched UTRH and was encouraged by my best friend to make it worse so I did. And I'm really glad I included it lol I'm sorry but I really like how it turned out lol

Tag list: @fairyofshampoo // @italiana-20 // @jasontoddsmentaldisorders // @purplerose291 // @lovelessamai  // @makaelaseresin // @lenidaslenchen // @mayfieldss  // @ghostkingblake // @im-done-with-this-im-out // @velvetskies // @lilylovelyxo // @cryinghotmess // @yesimwriting // @vivian-555 // @stainedstardom // @baebeepeach // @legend-o-zelda // @harleycao // @somehow-lovable-trash  // @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx // @deyja-the-duck // @jasontoddslover //  @captainmarvels-blog // @totallynotkaibiased // @scarlovesyou // @whydoyoucare866 // @littlemeowmeow1000

[12thhouse-sun]

Writing Interview Tag Game!

Thanks for the tag @pouroverpaloma!

When did you start writing?

I’ve always been a highly creative person, visual art my usual and longest-standing vice, but writing I’ve always been interested in. At 15 years old I tried to write a book (didn’t finish it). I forget what the word count was but it was a high fantasy Percy Jackson-esque. I tried working on the worldbuilding for a book in college and afterwards but nothing concretely got…written. Not plot just worldbuilding lmao. That project has since turned into my D&D homebrew world that I have yet to subject to any players. 

I’ve done some short creative writing here and there, a spoken word-style poem a few years ago and I took part in Escapril 2020. Otherwise, I have not been writing creatively in quite some time. I majored in engineering in college so there weren’t a lot of opportunities for me to stretch those creative muscles. The writing I’ve done for my GalexTav fics are my first big dive into writing since high school. 

I would journal as a therapeutic device but I’m only ever to keep up with it when I’m in crisis as it’s very effective at emptying my brain but it’s not necessarily good writing, it’s often train of thought and very emotional.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I read mainly fantasy and I write fantasy so there isn’t a lot of difference there. Maybe when I start branching out with my writing I’ll have an actual answer but for now, no!

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I haven’t had anyone compare my work but there’s lots of little things I see in the fic authors I read that I certainly feel strongly about but have yet to attempt to emulate. I want to be funny like goldenhearts (@yourworsttotebag). I want to go to poetry land like i88 (ao3). I wish I could figure out how to write 10K plus chapters every chapter like @linnetagain. I see so many little things in everything that I read that makes me want to try and be better.

I’m also still trying to figure out my own style. It’s been so long since I’ve tried to write anything longform that I am still exploring what my voice even sounds like. Even the first few chapters for you’re at the top of my lungs I wrote just a few months ago I cringe at when I read now. I’m in a high growth stage at the moment and I feel like I haven’t really settled into anything yet. But I’m in the midst of it and maybe if any of you who’ve read my fics notice anything please tell me lol I would appreciate the insight.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I have a few lmao. So I’m currently at work (if you’re my bosses, this is a joke I’m not at work rn) where I have two screens and as of today a fancy new click clack keyboard. Job-provided desk chair that’s okay and surrounded by work-related things. 

My office at home is much cozier. I have a blanket on my lap and around my shoulders, at least two drinks within arm’s reach (usually a water and an Olipop) and a fresh bag of Nutella biscuits waiting to be devoured. I also have a click clack keyboard there and I’ll put on my big gaming headphones to blast music as I write. 

I don’t like writing on my phone. If I do, it’s to quickly get down a rough idea while it’s still in my head but I can't do it for a long period of time as typing longform on my phone like that stresses me out. (Those who write entire fics in their notes app, I salute you.)

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Reading other fics! Anything that gets me thinking of new ways to put the pookies into new situations. Great example is @yourworsttotebag (goldenhearts on AO3) just started posting a Parallel Universe fic where the Gales from two different universes get swapped. It got me thinking of how that would work with Gale and my Tav, and how that would go if my Tav was the one who got swapped. I’m not going to write this fic, but it’s fun to think about! It gets me thinking outside of my usual settings and it helps me think of situations and conversations that might end up applying to what I’m actually writing. 

I'm also constantly listening to music and while I'm horrible at being able to hear lyrics and therefore have a hard time linking song meaning to a scene or plot point, the flow and energy of a song can give me ideas just by themselves.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I don’t think I’ve written enough variety to have developed anything. I actually went back and skimmed through my writing, posted or otherwise, with this lens to try and identify anything but other than the usual stuff you’d expect out of a Galefic I’ve got nothing.

What is your reason for writing?

Brain got too full of my Tav and Gale and I needed to drain it lmao. Now it’s just a constant flood. I’m also just enjoying it! I mention earlier that I’m usually a visual artist but the art block and imposter syndrome has been very bad. Writing fic has been freeing and has allowed me to create freely without judgment. (Or, well, the minimum amount of judgment required to even post something lmao).

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Any, really. But especially if a commenter calls something out in a chapter they particularly enjoyed or related to that really gets me going. I’ll scream at any comment someone leaves even if it’s a “chapter kudos” or whatever. Seeing Hit # going up is gratifying in that I know that people are here and reading it but a comment really solidifies that a real person is here and enjoying it. Never be too scared to leave a comment. If I feel anything in any fic I read I try to comment because I know how much it makes my day as an author so I try to be that person for authors as well. 

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I hope they’re enjoying what I’m reading! I hope that the readers that are subscribed to me and my fics get just as excited when they see an AO3 email about one of my fics come through like it does when my faves update. That’s the dream.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I like my action and combat scenes, but I rarely write them. I have posted one I think and I have one in a WIP that won’t be posted until the whole thing’s done. But that unposted WIP chapter and then Chapter 4 of you’re at the top of my lungs are some of my favorite things I’ve written.

A lot of these questions have made me realize how little feedback I get as a writer and maybe I need to find a writing group or something. 

How do you feel about your own writing?

I honestly feel like it’s awkward and stilted. I find I have to try hard to make it all flow. I think that’s the years of having to write engineering reports coming through, being straight and to the point and all that. I usually feel like my writing is good and I am able to get across whatever point I’m trying to make but I would love to be more flowery and go to poetry land more often. I want to get across big feelings and big ideas and have it feel visceral and not like I’m just throwing words on a page.

Tagging @waterdeep-weavemoss, @dr-demi-bee, and @crimson-and-lavender

[leejenowrld]

how did you and your ex reunite?

thank you for asking this :( it makes me so so happy. i don’t remember if i’ve already shared this but let’s go! guys grab your tissues cus you may cry as i did. very nsfw too i’m sorry everything related to my boyfriend is lmao

so it happened on sunday. as you guys may know, i work in a bar/pub and i finish late night. my boyfriend always made it a habit to pick me up from work, even if i never asked him to :( he’s just like that :( he’s my love fr. i know he does it because it makes him feel settled as the walk home would be 30-40 minutes in the dark and it’s scary. he even used to pick me up through our break up :( our break up was a quite unconventional i admit, we still saw each other and acted affectionate, anyways. he asked if he could bring me to his instead of driving me home because he was tired and had to be up the next morning early and i was like yeah :( ofc baby :(

anyways we step in his room and his dad is downstairs lmao watching tv but at this point he’s just so unfazed by me being in the house, he’s used to it. he just gave me dinner (at 12am😭 but they all make sure i eat well lmao) and next thing you know i’m in my boyfriends room and he literally threw his pillow on the floor and was about to sleep there and i was like no! come on the bed right now! he was gonna give me the bed and it just hurt me because why did you think i wouldn’t wanna sleep with you :( he was just saying no, it’s okay, i’ll stay here, so i did what any girl does, lmao i put my pillow on the floor next to him (even though i went on his pillow) and yeah :) he moaned at that lmao. we started making out on the floor, you guys know how making out goes, i was on top and then he carried me on the bed and he was on top and yeah. we fucked! we fucked in missionary and it was genuinely the sweetest and most softest sex ever like i will never get tired of looking into his eyes and smiling and being giddy and giggling and just… making love with him.

and keep in mind i was very high. like very. i mean, i work around drugs and alcohol! ofc i’ll accept the free booze lmao anyways. the fucking just made me so emotional, idk why, emotional with love. i started crying and he was like? baby? basically mid orgasm i told him i still loved him and i’ll never stop and i just want to love him forever and he just grinned and kissed me like really fucking hard and passionately mmmh i couldn’t breathe🥰.

he was like my love, why are you crying? is it because you wanna be my girl again and 😭 i cried more and nodded and he said “but you’ve always been my girl.” and that just made me so like… wow. it unleashed something in me (and him) he was like “but i’m not gonna be your boyfriend again until you ask me” and i was like 👍can’t really ask you mate when you have your hands around my neck, he was choking me and made me ask him clearly 😭 i did and yeah ;) i was like “please be my boyfriend again.” and this mf made me ask him clearly but he didn’t even answer he just said “yeah.” but kissed me so i barely heard it 😭

and i was crying so much and he was like awwww in such a fucking degrading voice. i just wanted him to slap me like (and he did.) that's how my bf is, he'll take the piss out of me but he'll be serious. like he was wiping away my tears and saying that he'll love me forever. so yeah 🥰 we fucked all night long lmao woke up and his mum cried cus she just knew that we were back together 😭 irl how lol i don’t think she heard us cus we were actually quiet, moaning into each others mouth and skin like we kept it down

[kvhasproblems]

Bite the Hand - Van/Fem!reader

Chapter 2

Chapter 1, chapter 3, masterlist

Summary: R tries to sort through` her complex thoughts and hangs out with Lottie.

Warnings: reader has like serious comphet and eternalized homophobia for the first bit of this, reader also has religious trauma and shity parents (who even has good parents in this show lmao), regular yellowjackets violence, this is also gonna be like the slowest of slow burns

A/n: This chapter ended up being way shorter than planned but its better this way. Also chapter 3 might take a hot minute to come out because I move out on Saturday… but I’m hoping to get a one shot out sometime this week.

Word Count: 1900

I enter the change room sweaty and exhausted. I head to my locker when I see Van, who is violently shoving her stuff in her bag. I walk up to her.

“Hey, can we talk-“ I start before pushes past me zipping her bag as she leaves the changing room without a word.

“Ooooo what did you do?” Mari singsonged while she strutted over to her locker.

“Leave it, Mari,” Lottie answered for me. “Whatever happened is none of our business.”

“Actually I think it is our business, I mean we are a team and if this is going to affect how we play-“ Jackie said clearly wanting the drama more than anything.

“It’s not going to affect how we play because Y/n is going to figure her shit out!” Tai slammed her locker shut and left not without giving me a dirty look.

Great now she is mad too. Everyone stared slightly shocked by Taissa’s outburst. Before turning to make small talk to the person next to them. I started to quickly pack up my stuff, I just wanted to go home and cry, how did today end up such a mess? Shauna stopped me on the way out the door.

“Van’s never one to stay mad for long, I'm sure if you talk to her you can work it out.” She gave me a small smile.

“Thanks, Shauna.” I returned her smile before heading out the door and walking to the parking lot. My head is spinning, between Tai’s outburst and Shauna’s words of encouragement I feel more confused than ever. I know I messed up but I have no idea how to even go about fixing this. After a few minutes, Lottie joined me unlocking her car.

“Sorry for taking so long.” She apologized while throwing our bags in the trunk.

“No worries,” I mumbled getting into the passenger seat of the car. As Lottie drove I watched the buildings and scenery zip away as we passed as my thoughts continued to spiral.

“So, not to pry but if you wanna talk I’m here.” Lottie broke the silence between us before turning the radio down a bit.

“I’m not even sure what to say Lot, I just know I messed up. I kept saying all the wrong things but the worst part is my parents would be proud of me. If they ever found out that-“ I couldn’t even bring myself to say it. I pause for a second before restarting. “l need to apologize or at least just try to explain myself better but she won’t even speak to me.”

“I’m sure she’s just cooling down, When she’s ready to talk she’ll come to you, just be ready to listen when she does.”

I hummed in response. A comfortable silence fell between us. I fidget with my hands as I go back to looking out the window. I keep telling myself that Lottie is right, plus she always has good intuition with these things.

Lottie dropped me off saying that we could still make cookies later if I was feeling up to it before driving away. I walked in the door and started taking my shoes off. Loud barks sounded through the house as Charlie ran up to me.

“Who’s the cutest boy ever!” I coo at him as he said hello. Charlie had been a gift to me from my Uncle when I was 13. I’ll never forget my Uncle bursting through the front door yelling Happy Birthday with a tiny little ball of golden fur in his arms. Despite my parents not even calling that day it was one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had and though my Uncle has never said it out loud, I can tell he’s always been worried that my parents aren’t home, so I think Charlie was a way for him to always make sure I wasn’t lonely or bored.

My summers with my Uncle and cousins are always my favourite time of the whole year. Getting to go fishing and helping my cousins on the farm just feeling free.

I took off my shoes and went to my bedroom. I was in desperate need of a shower after today's practice. After, as much as I didn’t want to, I had calc test to study for. I pushed play on my cassette player before sitting and pulling out my notebook.

I physically paused when I realized what was playing. It was the mix Van had brought me the last time she was over. I took in a shaky breath trying to get a grip. I opened my textbook and started my homework regardless of the fact that I was completely distracted.

“Fuck”. I pushed my chair away from my desk and stood up. I swear if I look at one more math problem my head's gonna explode. I look at the clock on my nightstand.

4:17

Two hours since Lottie dropped me off.

“Yeah, that’s definitely enough math for today.” I sighed packing up my stuff before grabbing my telephone off the nightstand and dialling Lottie.

It rang for a moment before she answered.

“Hi.”

“Hey Lottie, should I come over for dinner?”

“Sure, I’ll let Ms. Abby know.”

The Mathew’s maid/hired help Ms. Abby is a very sweet woman and you can see how grateful she is every time I come over, though she would never say I think she worries about Lottie being on her own. My parents fired our permanent maid when I turned 16 stating that I no longer needed a babysitter. Though we still have people come and tend to the yard and house I hate how lonely it gets.

“Thanks, Lot, see you soon,” I say. Lottie says her goodbye before we hang up. I start to get ready packing a small bag with a few things and changing into some jean shorts.

I get to Lotties fairly quickly. We eat dinner and make cookies even if they look horribly misshapen.

We sit on the massive couch in Lottie's basement dimly lit by the TV, wrapped in excessive amounts of blanket. The cookies besides their odd shape are delicious. I grabbed a random tape to put on and it happened to be Jumangi. It had come out in theatres last year and we (Jackie) decided we needed to do some more out-of-practice bonding and Jumangi was the only movie playing with a low enough rating so Laura Lee could come with us. I remember it like it was yesterday giggling and plotting with Van to sneak Laura Lee into a rated R movie even though her parents would never let us hear the end of it. Jackie didn’t let us go through with it but it still made me smile thinking about it.

About halfway through Lottie broke the silence.

“Y/n… would your parents even be around enough to find out if you and Van were…” She let herself trail off. I’ve never truly told Lottie about…me, but she figured it out. She probably knew before I did. At a sleepover last year after Becky’s Halloween party she rolled to face me and whispered into the dark bedroom that she’s my best friend and she’ll always love and support me. I didn’t know what to say then, and I still have trouble even admitting it out loud now.

“I-“ The words seemed to catch in my throat. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it before. Running around in secret with Van. “I’m just scared Lot,” I whisper the confession over the TV. “God... I wish I wasn’t so scared of them, I mean you’re right they wouldn’t even be around enough to know, so why do they get to control me.” I grumble. Me and Lottie have talked about them many times. Our shity parents with their shity rules and expectations that they don’t even bother to stick around and enforce.

“They can only control you if you let them.” Lottie points out.

“You’re one to talk.”

She grabs the pillow and whacks me on the side of the head before erupting into a fit of giggles.

“Oh, it’s SOOOO on!” I laugh grabbing the pillow behind my head.

I drove back from Lottie’s rather late for a school night. ‘Black Hole Sun’ plays quietly as the streetlights zip by. The last time I heard this song in the car was during the ride home from Becky’s party.

I hum as the coolness seeps into my cheek as I rest it on the backseat window. The streetlights pass zip past us like shooting stars. My bones seem to vibrate with the cords of the song. I close my eyes taking a moment to relish in the drunk ride home. Swaying side to side to the chorus of ‘Black Hole Sun’. I feel her weight as she scooches closer practically laying on my side.

“Y/nnnn.” Van pokes my cheek with a drunk whisper. I crack one of my eyes open to see her smiling up at me.

“Vannn.” I singsong back.

“Whatcha looking at.”

“The lights… they are so pretty,” I mumble looking back out at them. They seem to be moving faster like they are spinning around the car.

“The prettiest.” I look to see Van looking directly at me completely ignoring the lights and suddenly it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me. I’m starting to think I maybe shouldn’t shared that joint with Nat. I sit up and Van slides up with me. The car is really spinning now like some twisted carnival ride. I grab onto Van to try to stabilize myself. I accidentally grabbed her thigh.

“Woah!” She laughs. “Buy a girl dinner first.” It’s only then she sees the look on my face. “Uhhh, Tai!” She calls up to Tai who’s dding and has had to deal with us all night.

“What?” She answers turning down the music.

“I think you gotta pull over” Van warns.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” I say way louder than I mean to.

As Tai quickly pulls the car over Lottie wakes up in the passenger seat.

“What’s goin'-“ I don’t hear the rest of what she says as I whip open my door and run down behind the car.

The memory bounces around my head. God I had been so embarrassed that Van had to hold my hair back. It makes sense that Lot tried to talk to me when we got back that night. Me and Van had been inseparable the whole party. I pull into the garage of my house as I continue to reminisce. I think of all the parties, the ones me and Lot snuck into in our Junior year where me and Van were always a little too close. All the times we snuck away to a quiet room and shared stolen kisses. All the times she cast her eyes down and pretended not to be hurt when I told her that we were just friends. The way her eyes would follow me around the room as I pretended not to notice or stare back when she wasn’t looking. I think about the way she looked today. Her face set and strong but her eyes so full of sadness and longing. It made me sick to my stomach. I tried to push the memory away. I need sleep.

[nyxfaei]

ACTUALLY HERES THE AU SO FAR-

it’s mostly focusing on the ORG XIII characters and it’s just sort of a very rough idea right now. I’ll definitely be expanding more in the future

-partially Centers on luxord, a reporter with a gambling addiction, who is investigating a small town in probably the pacific northwest that is down for a long string of children going missing dating back for years- and also recently children showing up

-luxord is staying at a lodge run by ansem the old- lexaeus, xaldin, and zexion work different jobs there. Vexen is using the facilities for his various environmental research there.. Which he is very private about.

-Xaldin eventually begrudgingly offers luxord a place at his home because he has an extra room and staying so many days in the lodge is starting to add up and the company he works for wasn’t counting on this taking so long

-Marley runs a florist place- Something that luxord is investigating is missing people’s which involves strelitzia. Marly has been torn up about this and has been looking for answers for years now

-xion similarly appeared under mysterious circumstances as a kid. Nobody knows where she came from and even she cant remember. She was found by xigbar in the middle of the woods and she currently lives with him.

-xigbar is also an anomaly. He just rode into town one day out of the blue and settled into a cabin on the outskirts of it. Noone really knows what he does for a living and noone knows how he lost his eye. He’ll just make up a new story every time if you ask him.

-xigbar will regularly sit outside his house at night with a radio, a cold one, and a gun. He wont tell anyone why. Whenever xion asks he just ruffles her hair and goes “dont worry about it poppet”

- zexion also showed up much in the same way as xion years before. He was adopted by vexen and has grown quite adjusted

- Namine is Ansem the olds kid but no one really knows who her mom is and she’s always been a bit strange. She’s super friendly though but just odd. She seems to be able to draw pictures that predict things. Her and xion get along instantly

-Demyx is a local musician that does a lot of folk music but also isn’t afraid to branch out but he’s also just sort of weird. He showed up in town a few years ago as a traveling musician but just stuck around

-larxene is the town mechanic because I think that would be very hot of her. Marluxias bestie and her shop is right next to his. She was also a friend of strelitzia and is also looking for answers

-OMX is mayor. Eraqus is his husband and runs the welcome center which is also a cafe- Aqua and terra and ven work at it

-Baldr was an ex classmate of theirs back in the day. He’s blamed for the disappearance of many of their classmates since he seemed to get more violent after his sister died. Idk if he’s locked up, dead or if he disappeared

But the disappearance of the missing classmates is seen as a huge mark on the towns past

-Xemnas and Ansem SOD are OMX's kids and they’re also rikuss uncles. riku lives with ansem SOD since his mother passed away. YMX is his older brother who lives alone

-Saix works as the town reporter and is often accompanying luxord on his investigations- somewhat to his annoyance because he prefers working alone.

-xemnas runs the town newspaper

-axel also works for the paper but unlike saix he stays in the building and works as an editor… though he will sometimes come with saix

-saix and axel live together along with roxas. Roxas is axels little brother and also good friends with namine and xion.

-roxas is cousins with ven jdhkjfhkhf

-ven and vanitas are twins

-Ansem SOD works as a teacher at the local school

-Yen Sid is the principal

-the KH kids sort of hang out together in a big friendgroup since theyre very weary about someone going missing

-I wanna say the main FF7 characters (zack, cloud, tifa, aerith, etc) work at a bar and lounge lmao. I’m not gonna do too much placement of the FF characters because I don’t know too much about them but they DO live there

-idk who the sherif and cops are… i love the kingdom hearts characters too much for that. Its probably some disney or FF characters. Maybe one can be sephiroth LMAO

-Cid is an electrician in town

-The town also has some Disney characters but they don’t play too much of a role. Like the evil stepmother and her girls are like the rich family in town. Merlin and the fairy godmother are the sweet old couple in town and Cinderella is their daughter, etc

-dusks and heartless are local legends. A lot of people say they see them around at nightfall. Theres a lot of discussion on if theyre real or not

-eraqus is a huge believer in the paranormal. Hes convinced that theres a prevalent evil/darkness in the woods

-there is something very off about Xigbar and the mountain that they live on

-The town is called twilight town and is located on a mountain known as Mount Hearts

[the-cult-of-russo]

Endorphins (Part 2)

Pairing: Reader/Billy Russo

Warnings: cursing, angst, pain, the usual dark shit. I don't wanna tag it too like specifically to keep the suspense alive lmao the usual Punisher type of bullshit. It’s nothing you haven’t read before if you’ve read my other angsty shit.

A/N: Soooo this was a request but it turned into multiple parts because I got carried away. And I don't wanna put the request on here like I usually do because of spoilers lmaooo

But to answer the rest of your ask anon, I know, I was away awhile. Life hasn’t been kind to me and then I ended up knee-deep in another fandom lmao But I’m back babeeeyyyy!! ;)

Also, the name of this series is from a Don Broco song with the same name. If you don’t know who they are, check them out. They’re my fav band and I love them. 

Yeah, alright, yeah, alright, yeah, alright

Transfusing my blood in the morning

Yeah, alright, yeah, alright, yeah, alright

Be snoozing that lust in the morning

Do you right, do you right, do you right

I'll give it all up in the morning

What a life, what a life, what a life

Still feeling that crush, feeling that

—------

You shivered a little as you stood on the sidewalk, getting fed up of waiting for the cab. You’d called ages ago now and it never took this long for one to turn up. You’d been working at Anvil for a little over two months now and you’d fully settled in the place. After you’d told yourself to stop being weird with Billy, you found it easier to be around him. You’d actually become friends with him. He’d even invited you out a few times for drinks with Frank, Karen, Curtis and some guy named Micro. You were doing well at your job and enjoying it. You’d been sitting in on Billy’s meetings and he’d started to ask you advice on things that Mr Johnson never would have asked you about. He even asked you to meet with some of the smaller clients he knew you could handle on his behalf if he was busy. Things were really looking up. You weren’t as anxious as you used to be either. Twice a week for over a month, Billy had trained with you until you felt confident about your self-defense. You only had a few times of feeling like someone was watching you but no one had followed you since that one time, so you knew it was just the residual after-effect of being creeped out. You still took cabs home from work though. But this night, you’d stayed to work a little later. And now the cab seemed like it wasn't turning up. You really didn’t live that far and the longer you stayed out on the street, the colder you got and that creepy feeling started to set in and you didn’t like it.

“Fuck it,” you huffed, starting to walk. You’d get home quicker at this rate. Your steps were hurried in your desperation to get home. You wanted a nice hot bath when you got in, you felt the cold down to your bones. You were just considering which bubble bath to use when you were grabbed and shoved into an alleyway. You yelped, not expecting it, and your back hit the brick wall with such force, you knew it would bruise. You blinked with wide eyes at the man in front of you. The one holding a very large fucking knife like he was ready to shiv you. He looked way older than you, years of drug use all over his face as he snarled at you. Any training Billy had shown you seemed to fly right out of the window with your worst fear facing you. You felt weak and pathetic.

“Give me your bag,” he growled at you. You took a shaky breath. You knew you should just give it to him but this month's rent was in there and also your phone that had your life on it. Not only personal, but all your work schedules and meetings and important client info. You tried to remember what Billy had taught you before your hand darted out, grabbing the wrist with the knife and using your other arm to bend his at an unnatural angle. He screamed as the knife clattered to the floor and as he moved away, you made a run for the mouth of the alley. But then you were grabbed again and shoved to the floor. Before you had a chance to get up, you felt a blinding pain in the side of your head that made you see stars. He’d punched you.

“You fucking, bitch! You want me to kill you?!” he yelled angrily. He hit you again and you felt it as your lip split, your mouth filling with the coppery tang of your blood. As you lay on the damp and dirty floor, resigned to the fact he was probably going to kill you, the sound of giggling and talking hit your ears.

“Shit,” the man muttered, swiping your bag off the ground before running off to the other end of the alley. You blinked blearily, noting one of your eyes was swelling badly and you couldn't see out of it. And then a group of five women walked past the end of the alley all looking dressed up and ready for a night on the town. 

“Oh my god!” one of them called out, signaling to the others before they all hurried over to you. You couldn't make out who was saying what as they all muttered their concern and one of them helped you sit up. Your head was spinning. 

“We should call the cops,” one said frantically.

“We need to get her to the hospital,” another said quickly.

“No. No, please, I just wanna go home,” you whispered, voice wobbling as the emotion of being mugged hit you hard. You felt so embarrassed that after all Billy had shown you, you couldn't even defend yourself. Not only that, but he’d taken your rent money and your phone. You wondered if Billy would be mad at you. You’d asked him about having certain work things on your phone, confidentiality and all. But he’d told you it was fine, to just make sure to look after it. And you’d failed. The girls tried to argue with you, but after you insisted some more, they offered to walk home with you. Through your hazy brain, half concussion probably, and half just trauma, you managed a thank you to them before you went inside and right up to your apartment. As soon as your door shut, the sobs started. Your whole body was shaking, your chest burning hard. You wobbled over to the mirror, wincing at your face. Your left eye was swollen shut and already purple, your lip split and blood all over your chin. You looked a mess. You sat on your bed and cried for what felt like forever. But then the buzzer for your apartment started going frantically. Your heart stopped, wondering if the man had followed you home even though you knew it was stupid. He wouldn't be buzzing to be let in, as if you’d just buzz him right up for round two. After a few minutes of it none stop going off, you stood on shaky legs. Your back hurt like a bitch too and you could only imagine how bruised it was. You took a deep breath before pressing the intercom.

“Hello?” you asked shakily. 

“Y/N?! Jesus Christ, let me up!” Billy demanded, sounding desperate yet relieved to hear your voice. You were far too confused about why he was here to think about the way he was behaving and too muddled in the brain to ask him. So instead, you let him up. But while he was on his way up, you remembered the state of your face and you felt panic prickle at you. You’d have to tell him what happened. He’d be disappointed in you for being awful at looking after yourself and then just be pissed you lost your phone. You felt like you couldn't breathe by the time he was knocking on your door.

You opened it, quickly walking inside before he could see you. If he was going to cause a scene, you at least wanted it to happen inside the privacy of your apartment. He shut the door behind him before looking at you. He looked like someone smacked him for a moment, staring dumbly at you as his dark eyes seem to take in each and every injury. At least, the ones he could see.

“I…” he fumbled, mouth clamping shut as a deep concerned frown overtook his face. He took a step toward you but stopped when you wrapped your arms around yourself and looked down.

“Why are you here?” you asked, voice sounding raw. You hadn't meant it to sound so feeble but you weren't feeling so brave right about now. He had this weird sad look on his face for a moment. Like you just told him his puppy was about to die. But then it hardened a little and you saw him roll his shoulder. Something you noticed he did when he was pissed off or stressed.

“‘Cause I tried to call you about the meeting tomorrow and some asshole answered your phone. I know you ain’t in the habit of givin’ your phone to strangers so I knew somethin’ was wrong,” he muttered tensely. He took another step towards you then, his face softening a little.

“What happened?” he asked gently. You figured you could try to be brave and tell him the truth. But mortifyingly, instead, you burst into tears. He rushed over to you instantly, gathering you in his arms as he held you like you were made of glass. But after crying it out a little, you moved away and angrily wiped your good eye and shook your head.

“I’m so stupid! I got mugged. Fucking mugged, Billy! After everything you taught me, I wasn't able to stop it. And- And… he took my rent money. And my phone! I lost my phone, I’m so sorry!” you rambled through your crying. He looked offended for a moment before he carefully took your face and made you look up at him.

“That's a joke, right? You think I give a shit about the phone when you're standin’ here hurt like this?” he scoffed. You felt the shame burrow deep inside of you.

“I don't know what to think right now. My head’s a mess,” you wept pitifully. He carefully guided you to the couch and eased you to sit before he dropped to his knees in front of you. You had half a mind to tell him your floors were a little dusty and he’d ruin his nice pants but you couldn't get the words out. 

“I don’t care about the phone, I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is you right now,” he insisted. It made you feel a little better. Now you just felt bad that you thought he’d be mad at you. If your head wasn't so fuzzy you’d probably have realized that now you were friends, of course he’d care you were hurt. Just the same way as he would if it was Karen this had happened to. You sniffled, wiping your good eye again as you willed the tears to stop. 

“Have you been checked out at hospital?” he asked concerned, his eyes once again darting to your messed up eye and lip. You shook your head, not wanting to speak or you’d only cry harder again. It was bad enough he was seeing you like this. You wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there.

“You gotta get checked out, Y/N. You look…” he trailed off with a wince and you snorted through your tears.

“A mess?” you asked self-deprecatingly. He frowned and shook his head.

“Ain’t no scenario on this earth where you look a mess. You look in pain. And I don’t like it, so get your ass up. We’re goin’,” he muttered firmly, standing up and giving you a look that told you he meant it. You didn't have the brain power to think more on his words as you stood up reluctantly. 

“Can I…?” you trailed off as you tried to breathe, sniffling again. You felt like you’d been crying forever at this point but it seemed like it was slowly calming down as your body got used to the shock it was going through. “Can I change into something more comfortable?” you asked softly. You were still in your work clothes. Now bloody and needing to be thrown away. You weren't sure how long you’d be waiting in the emergency room and you wanted to at least feel more comfortable.

“You need any help?” he asked, his face the picture of concern. But you shook your head and tried to give him a smile that was probably more of a grimace. 

You went into your room and carefully got changed into an oversized tee and some leggings. You slipped on some fluffy slipper boots and didn't care how stupid you might look leaving the apartment with them on. Comfort was your main priority right now given the fact your body was suffering with the opposite. You grabbed a zip-up hoodie and threw it on before wandering out to the living area again. Billy stopped his pacing, giving you a sad smile as you walked over. He hovered next to you the whole time you walked down the stairs and until you got in his car. But you didn't mind it. It made you feel safe. The ride was tense on the way to the hospital. Now your tears had stopped, you felt like all the energy had been sucked out of you. 

“When you’re done here, you’re gonna tell me what this piece of shit looks like,” Billy growled, his hands tightening around the wheel. You nodded numbly, not really caring. You didn't really know what Billy was planning on doing with that information but right then, all you felt was an empty hollow nothingness. You were sure you were still in shock. 

You felt like you’d waited forever to be seen at the hospital but then you were ushered in to be seen with Billy. You’d sat on the examination table, Billy in the chair, as you told the doctor about what happened to you. Billy’s leg had been bouncing around but by the time you finished your story, he looked ready to crawl out of his skin. 

“Okay Miss Y/L/N, do you need Mr Russo to leave while I examine you?” the doctor asked kindly. You shook your head, not even thinking to ask if Billy was okay with staying. He was bringing you comfort and you didn’t want him to leave. With a nod, the doctor started to look at your injuries. When he’d lifted up your top to look at your back, you’d heard Billy suck in a breath so you knew it must have been badly bruised. After he’d given you a good look over, he scribbled on his chart before looking at you.

“You have a minor concussion. I’m going to prescribe you some pain medication for the pain and you need to rest up. Take some time off work. Do you need me to write a medical note?” he asked.

“No need. She can have all the time off she needs,” Billy muttered from where he was sitting, holding himself tightly. The doctor glanced at him curiously then.

“I’m her boss,” Billy supplied.

“Have you filed a police report yet?” the doctor asked as he looked back at you.

“Yeah,” Billy answered quickly. You glanced at him for a moment, confused why he lied. But then you remembered the conversation in the car so you just nodded to the doctor.

“Okay, just make sure you rest,” The doctor said as he wrote out your prescription. 

“Can I sleep? With the concussion?” you asked wearily. You were exhausted.

“You can. Medical experts used to think it was a bad idea with a concussion, but now with modern science, we know it's perfectly safe,” he answered with a kind smile.

After getting your meds, Billy drove you home once again. The car ride was silent and you could sense Billy’s anger, only you knew it wasn't directed at you. You'd be touched at his concern if you didn't feel like the world was spinning. He helped you up to your apartment and into your bedroom once you got there. He didn't speak until you were settled in bed.

“You need me to stay?” he asked softly. Despite his body showing clear signs of being pissed, his voice held no inflection of it as he gazed at you.

“You… you don't need to stay the night. But maybe just until I fall asleep… if you don't mind?” you asked, feeling your cheeks heat up in shame. 

“Of course, I don't mind,” he frowned, moving to sit on the bed. It didn't take long before you were out like a light. When you woke the next morning, your body ached like a bitch and your face was throbbing. You moved to sit up carefully, your one good eye looking around to see Billy wasn’t there. You didn't know why you were disappointed since you told him only to stay until you fell asleep. But as your eyes drifted to your nightstand, you saw your pain meds and a bottle of water. Along with a box containing a new phone and a note.

I put in all the contacts that I had and set it all up for you. Don’t worry about work, just focus on getting better. Karen will come over with some lunch for you to make sure you eat and I’ll be around after work to check in and make sure you're okay.

Try to take it easy, sweetheart.

Billy

PS. I paid your rent. Don’t argue about it, just accept it.

You felt yourself smile despite it all as you read his note. Before working at Anvil, you didn't expect the mighty Mr Russo to be so sweet and soft. He’d really looked after you the night before and you were grateful for all of his help. Even if you were a little embarrassed about him seeing you in that state. You were really glad to have him as a friend. 

—-----

It had been three months since you’d been mugged and you were finally moving past it. It had taken almost two weeks for you to heal and feel ready for work and Billy hadn't once made you feel bad for missing work. He’d even brought in a temp so you didn't go back to a mountain of work, although he had confessed to you upon returning that she’d been awful compared to you. All the guys had helped you through it. Billy, Frank, Karen and Curtis all came to see you and make sure you were okay. Billy had been by every single night to check in with you and you were grateful. Eventually, you’d gone back to work and people didn't need to check in on you. You’d been a little skittish at first but everyone had been accommodating, especially Billy. He’d even taken to driving you home from work most nights. Only if you both finished at different times did you get a cab. It had brought the pair of you closer and you considered him one of your best friends. He’d seen you at one of your darkest moments and he hadn't turned you away. He’d helped you through it. And now things seemed like they were finally settling back to normal and you were grateful. You weren't sure what happened to the guy that mugged you. Billy hadn't mentioned him again so you presumed he hadn't found him. You knew he would have told you otherwise. You’d not long been in your apartment after Billy dropped you off when you heard the door knock. You were still in your work clothes, not yet changing into your PJs, but your shoes were haphazardly on the floor. You padded over to the door and opened it to see your landlord. He looked flustered or upset, you couldn't tell. But before you could ask him if he was okay, he spoke.

“You need to leave,” he muttered. You blinked dumbly at him for a moment as your brain tried to understand what he’d said.

“What?” you asked confused. You’d never had a problem with him before and you were a good tenant. The only time you had an issue with rent was when you lost your other job, but he’d been so kind and understanding about it.

“You need to pack your things and be out by morning,” he hissed. He looked pissed off and you shook your head.

“Why? What happened?” you asked, sounding as confused as you looked.

“Didn't you hear me?! You need to leave! You don't wanna find out what happens if you don't!” he yelled angrily before hurrying off. You stared at the empty doorway for a moment, not quite understanding the exchange. Surely he couldn't do this. He had no grounds to turn you out and he wasn't giving you any notice. 

But as you closed the door and moved away, the gravity of his words hit you. What were you supposed to do now? Even if he legally couldn't do this, you’d have to fight it and you didn't deal with confrontation well. You didn't want to stay here when he clearly wanted you to leave. You had no idea what he’d do if you didn't go. You didn't have any family and the only friends were the ones you made at work. You weren't about to ask Karen and Frank to crash on their couch and you didn't know Curtis well enough. There was Billy but the idea filled you with embarrassment. You might be friends but he was still your boss. You only had until morning to be gone with all your stuff and the more you thought about it, the more you panicked. The landlord's ominous words rang out in your head and after what happened when you were mugged, it set off the trauma still laying under the surface. Before you knew it, you were crying as you tried to come up with a plan of how to get you and your stuff gone. With no plan coming to mind, you reluctantly picked up your phone and called Billy.

“Hey, you okay?” Billy asked quickly after only two rings. You tried to get a hold of yourself. You knew you were being a little over dramatic about the whole thing. But you were worried and had nowhere else to go. When you didn't answer him right away and all he got was a sniffle out of you, he sounded more panicked. 

“Y/N, what happened?” he asked firmly. 

“I… My landlord kicked me out. I don't… I don't understand. But he threatened me… I think? And I don't… I don't have anywhere to go and all my stuff and I…” you rambled through your tears, shaking your head. He was silent for a moment and you almost wondered if he’d hung up.

“I’ll be right over,” he said before he actually hung up. You groaned at yourself for being so stupid. Why did you always have to have Billy come and rescue you like some damsel in distress? He probably thought you were being dramatic and stupid about crying over it. Before long he buzzed and you let him in. When you opened your door, he quickly embraced you in a hug and you melted into him as you tried to calm yourself down.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m overreacting about this,” you mumbled into his chest.

“Don’t need to be sorry,” he murmured, rubbing your back soothingly. When you moved away, you felt a little calmer and wiped your eyes.

“What happened?” he asked, confused.

“I don't even know. He turned up telling me I have to leave with my stuff before morning. When I asked why, he started yelling at me to leave and said I don't wanna find out what happens if I don't,” you replied with a shrug. Billy’s jaw ticked as he shook his head.

“Want me to have a word with him?” he asked looking angry, his eyes glancing to the door.

“No. It’s… fine. He obviously doesn't want me here so I just wanna go. But I don't know where to go,” you lamented. You didn't want to know what would happen if Billy spoke to the landlord. Nothing good. But the end result would be the same, you’d need to leave. Billy rolled his shoulder, blowing out a breath like he was trying to calm down. 

“Just stay with me,” he answered casually. Like it was the easiest answer.

“Isn't that weird though? I mean… you're my boss. And you see me all day at work and then you’ll see me at home,” you muttered with a frown. 

“I’m also your friend. And I don't care. Ain’t gonna get sick of you if that's what you’re worried about,” he smirked wryly, making you smile a little. 

“You’re sure?” you asked hesitantly. 

“More than sure. You can stay with me just until you find somewhere. I can have my guys come by and get your shit. We can put it in storage or somethin’ until you move somewhere,” he sounded so sure of his plan and you didn't have another one. 

“Thank you,” you replied sincerely. You weren't sure how many times this man would do something to help you like this. 

“Don’t gotta thank me,” he scoffed, giving you a soft smile. He made some calls and before long, some of the guys you knew from Anvil were taking away your stuff and putting it in a large van. You’d packed your essentials and it depressed you as you’d packed up your stuff ready to realize just how little you had. 

Once you got to Billy’s, you carefully placed your bags near the sofa. It was late now and you were tired from having to go through all the stress and the hassle of packing up your stuff. You’d never been to his place before and you glanced around, taking it all in. It was very him. And you weren't surprised he lived in a penthouse. 

“Alright, you can take the bed, I’ll take the sofa,” Billy murmured as he took off his shoes and placed them neatly near the door. The whole place was spotless but you should have figured from his office he was a minimalist and a little bit of a neat freak. 

“No,” you huffed.

“What was that?” he asked with an amused smirk as he looked at you.

“I said no. You’ve already done too much for me. I’m not taking your bed from you too,” you frowned.

“Y/N…” he started, looking ready to give you a lecture.

“No, Billy. I won't budge on this. It’s not gonna kill me to sleep on your couch. It looks comfier than my old bed anyway,” you shot him a firm look and he held his hands up in surrender with a chuckle.

“Alright. If you need me, don't be afraid to get me,” he gave you a sympathetic look and with a nod, he went off to his bedroom. He hadn't shown you around but the place was easy enough to suss out for yourself. You found the bathroom and changed into your pajamas. When you came back out, Billy had left a duvet and pillow on the couch for you. You smiled to yourself as you set it up and got inside it, feeling comfortable. You wouldn't stay here too long, just until you got your shit figured out. You’d get looking for apartments in the morning. 

—-----

You yawned a little and stretched your legs out from where you were sitting on the sofa as you watched TV. You’d been staying at Billy’s now for almost a month and it was definitely longer than you’d planned. Billy had insisted he looked for a place himself. He wanted to check it out and vet the landlords to make sure you wouldn't have a repeat of what happened at your old place. He was pretty firm on it so you let him take the reins. But he hadn't found anything yet. Anything you’d come up with, he’d shot down after looking into it and you trusted him. He’d been insistent on the fact he didn't mind you there so you tried not to worry about it. If he wanted to look then you'd let him. It just didn't help that he’d told you he only wanted the best for you but you weren't exactly on the same money he was. It made things trickier. But you knew you needed to find something soon. When he’d said you thought he’d get sick of you, he wasn't wrong. He was eerily perceptive like that. You didn't want him to get sick of you because you were actually happy. Your life was going good. You loved your old job but you didn't have friends there, just acquaintances. It wasn't like here at Anvil. And you didn't have a trusting friendship with Mr Johnson either. He cared but it was different. Everything was going perfect and you didn't want that to change because Billy decided he’d had far too much of you. You couldn't help but worry.

But you’d admit that staying with Billy had been easy. You’d both wake in the morning and share breakfast before heading off to work. Your work days would go how they always did and then you’d both come home. You ate take out a lot but sometimes Billy would cook and he was really good at it. He’d told you he loved to cook but he didn't do it often when it was just him. He enjoyed having someone to cook for. After dinner, you would both just veg out a little and watch TV before bed. It just worked. You both enjoyed each other's company and it was easy. But you needed to get your ass in gear and move because it was too easy and you kept having those pesky thoughts about him that you knew you had no place having. You needed the safety of your own place where you could keep the boundaries of a friendship with Billy instead of fantasies of something more. You knew Billy didn't do relationships. And even if you went down that road, what would happen if it went wrong? You’d lose your job, your friends, your best friend. You didn't want to deal with that. 

It had taken time away from Billy to really see that. To open your eyes. You’d thought a lot these past two days. Billy and Frank had been gone for a couple of days with some of their guys on a mission. You didn't ask questions. He’d told you once about some of these things he did, how they weren’t exactly legal. But you knew they weren't the bad guys in these situations so you didn't ask. You were worried of course. Anything could happen. But you knew Billy could handle himself. He had before you turned up and he would if you ever ended up not being in his life. So you went on as usual. You weren't sure exactly when he’d be home. He told you it should be sometime today but that sometimes these secret missions could run over a little. So as you heard the key turn in the lock, your head snapped to the door as it opened. Billy came in wearing his tactical gear and you mentally slapped yourself for your body's instant reaction to it. But then you noticed his tense face and how he was holding himself strange. And then you saw the blood as the light reflected on it. You’d missed it with how dark his clothes were.

“Holy shit, what happened?” you asked, jumping up and rushing over to him.

“Got shot,” he bit out, ridding himself of his vest. 

“And you didn't go to the hospital?” you asked incredulously, helping him get his shirt off when you saw him struggling. He gave you a deadpan look but you didn't budge as you looked at him like he’d grown another head.

“Guy turns up with a gunshot wound, there's a lotta questions,” he muttered vaguely. But you knew what he was referring to. He moved away, now shirtless with a very obvious gunshot wound in his shoulder as he grabbed a bottle of some kind of alcohol, opening it and having a long pull from it. 

“Do you need me to call Curtis?” you asked worriedly, watching as he rooted through a cabinet and pulled out a little bag.

“Nah, I can handle it,” he stubbornly answered. Taking the bag and alcohol and dumping them on the coffee table before heavily sitting on the sofa. You groaned, rolling your eyes at the man's stubbornness. 

“Will you at least let me help you?” you asked exasperatedly. He properly looked at you then as you stood there with worry etched all over your face. His tense and moody demeanor changed slightly, his face softening.

“You don't gotta see this shit,” he frowned. You huffed, stomping over and sitting next to him, angling your body to face him.

“I don't care. Let me help you. It won't be easy to fix this with one hand,” you quirked a brow at him and he chuckled lightly, shaking his head.

“Need to get the bullet out and sew it up,” he sighed. You nodded, looking through the bag which seemed to contain medical supplies. You found a pair of tweezers and grabbed a crap tonne of gauze. 

“Use this,” he murmured, handing you the drink that you could now see was whisky. You took it, glancing at his wound before back at his face.

“This is gonna hurt, isn't it?” you asked with a wince.

“Yep,” he snorted mirthlessly. You took a deep breath before pouring some on his wound. He groaned, struggling to hold his body still as you apologized profusely. Suddenly the alcohol was back in his hands as he chugged some of it. You worked hard to get the bullet out, feeling bad at every pained moan leaving his lips. It seemed the more pain you inflicted on him, the more he drank and you were surprised he hadn't passed out yet. Once the bullet was out, he relaxed only a small amount. And then you got to work stitching him up the best you could.

“It’s probably gonna leave a scar,” you frowned after you were done and taped a bandage over it.

“One of many,” he mumbled, sounding drunk. You weren't sure if it was the booze or loss of blood. Probably both. 

“Thank you,” he said softly, looking at you through heavy-lidded eyes.

“You don't need to thank me. You're always saving me in one way or another. Figured it was time I paid you back,” you smiled wryly. He grinned and reached out with his good hand, cupping your cheek so tenderly that you almost forgot to breathe. He just stared at you for a long moment and you were about to ask him what he was doing, but then he leaned forward and his lips were on yours. Your brain malfunctioned, unable to think with him kissing you like this. Your body went on autopilot as you kissed back. But as he deepened the kiss, you tasted the whisky on his tongue and reality hit you like a train. You pulled away, eyes wide as you blinked at him as he looked at you for a moment like his brain was disconnected from his body.

“We uh… we shouldn't do this. You're my boss, it's unprofessional. And you're drunk,” you murmured, feeling mortified with yourself for kissing back. He was so out of it, it felt far too much like taking advantage. You knew for a fact he wouldn't have kissed you if he wasn't drunk. And not to mention, you knew what he was like. He was a great friend but you knew his reputation. And all his other PAs he’d had his way with ended up without a job. There was no way you wanted to lose everything you had at Anvil for your stupid crush. Billy laughed but it wasn’t pleasant as he shook his head and drank some more of his whisky.

“Right… unprofessional,” he snorted. You tried not to hold the meanness in his voice against him. He’d been shot, lost a lot of blood and was drunk. You took the bottle from him, placing it on the table before you stood up.

“Come on, let's get you to bed,” you said softly, hoping he wouldn't be an asshole. He blinked up at you lazily for a moment before nodding. When he stood, he wobbled and you winced at how out of it he really was. You helped him into his room and into his bed. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. You looked at him for a moment, worried what the next morning would be like. You didn't want it to be awkward. You hoped he wouldn't remember.

When you woke up the next morning, you heard a noise in the kitchen. You sat up a little and looked over, seeing Billy dressed in a suit and making himself a coffee. Any other person wouldn't notice he’d been shot the day before, except for the fact he wasn't using his left arm. You glanced at the clock, worried you'd be late for work. But it seemed he was up a little earlier than usual. Dread curled low in your belly as you sat up properly and he looked over at you.

“You sure you should be going into work?” you asked warily.

“Had worse,” he grinned cheekily. He seemed like he didn't remember the mess of the kiss and you felt relief sweep through your entire being. You hurried off to the bathroom to get ready for work. When you came back out, he had coffee and your favorite cereal waiting for you.

“Can we talk about last night?” he asked hesitantly after you sat down and started eating. The spoon halted in front of your mouth, a spike of fear hitting you.

“What about it?” you asked vaguely. For all you knew, he could have been talking about turning up injured and you helping him. He sighed, flexing his hands a little as he looked away. 

“I shouldn’tve kissed you like that. It was a dick move and I’m sorry. You were right, it was unprofessional. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable,” he frowned, finally looking at you again. You almost told him it didn't make you uncomfortable but you didn't because it wouldn’t help your current situation. Things were getting far too cozy with him and you knew that's when things would go wrong. He’d have you once and be bored. And you knew he only kissed you because he wasn't in his right mind. You were at least glad he wasn't upset about it and seemed genuinely sorry. 

“Don't worry about it. It's like it never happened,” you smiled. He shot a smile back at you, looking relieved. Maybe he thought you'd be mad at him for it. But you were glad it was out of the way and you just wanted to move on from it. 

[lumiereandcogsworth]

I know Maria’s family had issues with her marrying Maurice but do you think they’d ever try and find him later ? or Belle ? Do they know their queen is their family??? 👁️

REALLY INTERESTING QUESTION THANK YOU.

okay so i actually spent like ten minutes writing out all this backstory lore and then i realized that i wanna save that so it’s a glorious surprise when i write their love story fic. if i reveal it here i’ll be less inclined!!!! so i’m keeping some secrets 🤫 BUT i can still answer this without saying everything ;)

to answer, no i don’t think they go looking for maurice. they do find out that maria died in the plague (i doubt any of them died because they’re rich as hell and probably stayed relatively safe from it. but maybe!! but regardless) they know maria is deceased from the lists of the dead that were later published, and they very much blame maurice, being that he brought her into poverty and therefore was more susceptible to disease. (and you know what! maurice blames himself too, lmao!!!!!!)

charlotte (maria’s favorite sister, who did visit her once when belle was a baby (such a dramatic wip, it’s only half done 😭) does probably go to their windmill home a couple years later when things have settled down. perhaps having a glimmer of hope that her husband and child (mainly her child) are still there, and maybe, After All This, something can be worked out between them. but she goes to the little house and of course finds it vacant. she looks through all the death records, looking for a Maurice LaRue or a Belle LaRue, but only finds Maria LaRue (and other LaRues she doesn’t recognize… some of Maurice’s family.) so she concludes maurice must have taken their child and left the city. she’s pretty heartbroken and i think regrets not making things right with maria before it was too late. so for her sister’s sake, she prays maria’s husband and child are alright, wherever they are.

BUT YEAH THERE’S THE KICKER. when belle becomes queen, her background gets published EVERYWHERE. it’s SOOO weird that she doesn’t come from any kind of nobility. who the HECK is this chick !!! i can just IMAGINE maria’s siblings, all in their 40s and 50s now, reading about their new queen. where she’s from. who her father is. where he’s from… i don’t think they’d all pick up on it, because they tried very hard to forget that pathetic artist who stole their sister away and essentially killed her. (their words not mine👀) but i do think that charlotte has a sudden moment like that squidward gif when he’s in bed with his eyes closed and then they suddenly open like WAIT HOLY SHIT—

charlotte tells her siblings (and maybe their parents? idk if they’re still alive) that No For Real. THE QUEEN IS MARIA’S CHILD. OUR NIECE. they all don’t believe it but the dots eventually get connected and they’re all simply AGHAST. i don’t even think they know what to Do about it for a while. they’re just in Shock. i could see them having the impulse to Tell Everyone, in true aristocratic fashion, but i think charlotte would tell them to hold back,, save it… maybe we should meet our niece queen… 🤔

from maurice’s perspective, he really had no idea HOW rich the Bouchets were until it got mentioned that that was maria’s family and adam was like wait fr???? they’ve BEEN connected to the royal family,,, and maurice is like [404 Processing Error] because he just… like as much as they hated him, he equally hates them. for never accepting maria!!! for never letting her be her magnificent self!! he Despises them on her behalf. and he Does Not want to know them. even if their family and the royal family have ties, he wants no part in it, and he firmly tells belle she shouldn’t either. they never did anything for her mother, they’re no family of ours. (it gives me chills to think of maurice being so cold but. it’s pretty clear that maria is the one subject he doesn’t really budge on.)

belle is SUPER torn on this situation because on the one hand, she respects her father’s views and obviously she wasn’t “there” and doesn’t know what her mother went through. but On The Other Hand she’s soooooo curious about her mother!! and meeting her mother’s family, even if they SUCK, would be SO INTERESTING. and i mean… she IS the queen after all… does she not have a Duty to Meet Her Subjects?? 🤔 so i lowkey could see belle maybe secretly slightly figuring out a way to meet some of the Bouchets without maurice knowing. but i don’t have any idea for that right now but… i think that would happen. i don’t see any of it going well though, lmao. maybe in the end some reconciliation happens but i am seeing A Lot of anger. maurice might be old but he’ll still throw hands if he catches those Bouchets in his house 🤼‍♀️

but yeah uhh… i’ll just leave it there… 👀

[life-in-toontown]

That last reblog just made me wanna clarify that I absolutely hate 90% of Disney’s direct-to-video sequels but I do still like Lion King 2, despite having several issues with it.

I admit maybe this is just because I’ve been so deep into the Lion King fandom since I was a kid that disliking TLK 2 despite having so many problems either it just feels impossible lmao.

As for the problems, well first off there’s the one mentioned in the last reblog about how Scar having an heir that isn’t biologically related to him wouldn’t benefit him, but of course you can’t make him Scar’s bio son because that would make Kiara his cousin which means instead of their Love Song being “Upendi” it would instead be “Sweet Home Alabama”.

Also, where did Zira and the Outsiders come from? Yes you could say they were just background lionesses in Mufasa’s pride that remained loyal to Scar but then why weren’t they helping protect Scar once Simba came back and challenged him for the throne? I know the answer is “because the sequel wasn’t planned yet and they were worked on by two separate teams” but STILL, if you’re a person who completely accepts everything in TLK 2 as canon then it’s kinda hard to explain this one.

Also since Scar isn’t Kovu’s father then who is? And when did Zira have time to meet a male lion, mate with him then show her cub to Scar to convince him to let him become his heir? And what about Nuka and Vitani? I have seen a theory that Vitani is actually NALA’S daughter with the implication that the scene where Scar tries to seduce her (which was cut from the movie but used in the Broadway show) had a more horrific ending where Scar impregnated her and somehow Zira ended up adopting her. And while I do love that as a “what if” AU, I don’t consider it canon myself.

Now I’m gonna leave the massive plot holes for now and focus on little character pet peeves that annoyed me:

First of all, Timon and Pumbaa weren’t funny at all in this one. Like they’re one of Disney’s most iconic gay couples comedy duos but they were so “meh” in this. One time I did a screenshot redraw of them to resemble the art style from the first movie and in the description I added a rewrite of ways they could’ve been used better which I’ll link here just for funsies:

And now onto Nala. She was a strong character in the first film, leaving her home by herself to look get help, wasn’t afraid to call Simba out for refusing to go back to Pride Rock, plus she helped fight off the hyenas with the other lionesses. In the sequel? Well she popped a baby out which means now her only character trait is Supportive Wife and Mom. She only showed up to occasionally say “Hey Simba, chill out man, Kiara’s totally gonna be fine, stop worrying” then leave. Yes I know this was a father/daughter story but that doesn’t mean Nala has to be reduced to a robot that’s only capable of repeating phrases letting Simba know things will be fine.

And lastly maybe this one is just me, but I kinda wish Nuka as a tragic character was portrayed more. Yes I know his death scene was absolutely heartbreaking and yes you can tell he was jealous of Kovu getting his mother’s love but he was mainly just goofy comic relief. And I actually don’t mind him having funny moments but idk, I wish the tragic side of him was explored more before his death scene. Idk, maybe this one’s just me lmao.

So after all this you’re probably thinking “Wow are you sure you like Lion King 2? It sounds like you hate everything about it”

And like…I mean…I do but…can’t I also fantasize about how it could be better??

[rainedroptalks]

i would love to hear about the evil bad books

HI MURPH I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT THIS

(Alos I deleted this on my first try by accident lmao)

So there’s two, both by the same author, and I haven’t finished either. Ones called “twisted love” if that’s any indication of the vibe

So the first one! It’s about divorce! I have fully forgotten the name, but the main characters were called Alessandra and Dominic. I’m gonna call them A and D for my own sake

So these two met in college, A’s a nepo baby and D’s in here with a scholarship, he was poor growing up (also he has a brother who I fully forgot was part of the plot the first time I wrote this). He has dyslexia, so he is having trouble passing one of his classes, so his only good professor gives him the info of another student who does tutoring. It’s A. The two of them do the tutoring thing (which is honestly kinda cute. Fig you had no context for what happens later). D passes his exams and eventually the two begin dating, and then get married. At 23. Bad idea but okay

In the story, the two have been married for 10 years. D is now this super rich capitalist guy with a big company. He’s also a terrible boss. A has been basically his trophy wife for the past decade and the relationship is deteriorating. He forgets everything, doesn’t listen to her and constantly assumes how she feels. She doesn’t ever communicate how she feels so the marriage is going bad. They tried doing marriage counseling once but he fully forgot and she had to sit in that office making excuses for him while the counselor just looked at her with pity. He came home from work and didn’t even apologize for not showing up.

The final straw for her is their 10th anniversary. The two planned a trip to where their honeymoon happened (I think) and she reminded him like 3 times before he went to work. Would you be shocked if it turned out he forgot. Would you

She waits for ages and calls him multiple times. He doesn’t answer. She gets so pissed that she gets the bag she packed for the trip, puts her wedding ring on a table and leaves. When D gets home he starts looking for her and sees the packed bags. Finally he remembers and starts being an asshole to the maid about where A went. She says that A left. He starts worrying, not cuz he realizes he was a duck but because he’s super rich and thinks someone might hurt her to hurt him or smth.

Meanwhile A’s doing fine, she’s just at a hotel. The next morning she calls him, tells him her location and then hangs up before he can say anything. He shows up and here we see he doesn’t think of anything he’s done as wrong. “I’ll just book a new trip” SHUT UP!!! Anyway at the end of this she says she wants a divorce. This is like. Chapter 4

A goes to move in with a friend. She also realizes that she gave up a lot of her life to this dude, that she only has 3 friends and no life. The friend helps her out, and also gives her an ornate knife that she can stab her (ex)husband with. It was wrapped like a present. She’s so cool. Also D’s refusing to sign the papers so she gets a divorce lawyer.

At some point, D goes out with his friends for a business thing (what’s new), 2 of which are married to two of A’s friends. So they know. They awkwardly bring it up and he says something like “oh A’s just upset, she won’t actually go through with it.” And the one of his friends calls him a piece of shit and that if he treated his own wife like that even once she’d leave him forever. A’s had to deal with his bullshit for 10 years. Finally D realizes he sucks (not when his wife tells him though. He had to have his friends tell him. He doesn’t respect his wife)

So this begins the saga of him harassing her to show that “he still loves her”. He sends flowers. He follows her to a club. He threatens to beat up some guy who was flirting with her. Also the first sex scene happens here (I was not expecting that I was trying to stop myself from laughing in the library lol). In a bathroom. In a club bathroom. That’s… unsanitary, right?

Later there’s a party or something I dunno and he sees his estranged older brother here. Someone also dies here! Some old rich guy I don’t care. A’s here with her friends and she’s in shock from seeing a dead guy so D takes her home. They do the sex thing again. In the morning, he sees her trying to leave while he was sleeping and has the AUDACITY to get mad. The two start arguing and A starts crying. D realizes he broke this completely and agrees to sign the divorce papers then and there. The two are officially divorced

So next A goes on vacation. Her brother is in um. I don’t remember but it was in South America I believe, so she joins him. She gets a one way ticket. D finds out AND HE GETS A FLIGHT THERE TOO. FUCKING WEIRDO!!! She tries to ignore him but she thinks “Wow. D never goes away from his business things… maybe he really does care about me” AND GIRL THAT IS THE DEVIL SPEAKING. THE DEVIL

Then her mother calls, telling her that she’s getting married (again) and it’s in two days. What the fuck is happening. A and her brother have no fucking clue how to get there in two days and D offers his private jet he has (have we mentioned he’s rich yet? He’s rich) to take them. So apparently A’s mom is a model/actress/I don’t remember and she’s had a ton of failed relationships so A does not think this’ll last. Anyway, at the wedding, she hears the vows and starts tearing up cuz it reminds her of her own wedding and how wrong everything went. D tries to talk to her after the wedding, but her brother stops him and essentially says “Hey man you’re a friend to me but she’s my sister. And you clearly fucked this up. Leave her alone.” Anyway he doesn’t do this and A FUCKING FORGIVES HIM IN A CONVERSATION. Well, not fully. She agrees to try starting again, but also that they’re not married anymore and that she’s allowed to date and do things like that without him bitching about it.

The friend who gave her the knife is devastated at this news when A gets back. She can see this going so so wrong. Also the whole time in the background A’s been trying to open a flower shop or something like that, and the dude who owns the property she wants to use is apparently super and super nice, so the two go on a date. This was before the mothers wedding and the whole trip, and D shows up at the restaurant. He was actually there for something else, so he wasn’t stalking her this time. Anyway the other dudes fine I don’t remember him much. He wears flannels.

So that’s where I left off. I swear I’ll finish that book someday

The other one I barely read but it was about this 22 year old girl. Her name was Ava, and her brothers going away for a school thing. He’s super worried about her cuz apparently something happened when she was younger so he’s protective of her or whatever.

Also the book opens with her being stranded in the rain. Her brothers going away party is soon and she hasn’t picked up the cake yet. So she calls him and he picks up and tells her one of his friends borrowed his car. He tells her he’ll send the friend to pick her up. I would love you to guess what he’s doing during the call. IF YOU GUESSED THAT HE WAS HAVING SEX BEFORE PICKING UP HER CALL AND HE DID NOT LEAVE THE ROOM AND SITUATION BEFORE TALKING TO HIS SISTER then you’d be right!

So the dude who picks her up is this totally cool and mysterious friend of her brothers and also he’s an asshole. They get to the party and the best character shows up, Ava’s super hot best friend. She hates Ava’s brother apparently. She’s so cool

So the brother asks his friend (whose name I don’t care to remember) to watch over Ava while hes gone. He interprets this as “be super weird and controlling despite the fact you barely know this girl”. Anyway Ava should be dating her friend she comforts her every time she wake up from a night terror, even though she’s busy with law school. Ava’s friend is the perfect woman

Anyway that’s all! Sorry for the super long and rambly post I just have a lot of opinions. If there’s spelling mistakes I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to fix them

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello ! This is pukey Saeyoung anon.

I’m comin off anon bc honestly that shit is too much work. Pretty sure being sick this long has fried any last sense of inhibition or shame in my brain and I think everyone deserves to know how much I love Saeyoung smh. The extent to which that is my Mans. I will publicly gush if I so please. 😤😤

Plus! I’m pleased to report that I haven’t actually thrown up in about two weeks! So like. Hashtag recovery life I guess. 💀

But that’s what I came here to update you about. :’D

I feel like I kinda left you with a cliffhanger there with the whole bone cancer thing. (If it makes you feel any better, the hospital did too 👁👄👁)

November was very much,,, a terrible horrible no good very bad type of month. I spent nearly two weeks waiting for them to get back to me about my dumb bone marrow autopsy only for them to cancel my appointment last minute. And in the meantime I was just getting sicker and sicker… I ended up in and out of the hospital again a couple times,, but by the third time I was scared to go back bc the second time I went they didn’t even admit me overnight. They basically just charged me $700 to take a four hour nap. And cha boy doesn’t have that kinda money. 😭

But it got to the point that I really physically couldn’t take it anymore… I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my entire life. Which unfortunately with the life I’ve had,, that’s a high ass bar lmao.

And it was just CONSTANT… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t look at any screens. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stand. I was literally too weak to even pull a blanket up over myself. I literally was spending every night sobbing/shivering/barfing myself to sleep. It was baaaaaaad.

Luckily my roommate at this point had probably started to get annoyed by hearing me crying from pain all night and was like “dude I’m taking you to the hospital again”

And my third hospital visit !! They FINALLY gave me an answer as to wtf is going on!

Good news is…? Not bone cancer. I don’t have to enter my Deadpool era Quite yet.

Bad news…? Apparently I’ve got fuckin Lupus 🤡

Which is super cute and fun because,, you know. Incurable lifelong chronic illness. I’m literally gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. :)

But like. It’s a perfectly livable disease. As long as it’s, you know. Actually being taken care of and treated. Which I now have enough info to actually do haha.

(Hit the self-loathing so hard that even my own fuckin immune system was like, oh shit we gotta take this bitch DOWN 💀)

I’m soooo glad to be home and back from the hospital… but it’s been very strange too. I’m still really sick and I can’t really do much on my own and,,, my brain physically doesn’t know how to process being like,, taken care of. Honestly it kinda sets off alarm bells in my brain 😳 but I’ve had to accept pretty damn quickly that,, I don’t really have a choice rn. I’m so used to just being on my own pushing through all my pain and just. Waiting till it goes away on its own. But if I do that in this case… the pain will just get worse and my body will quite literally shut down on me and I will literally die. Sooooo like,,,, 🤡 I guess maybe I can stand to be taken care of for at least a little while.

Doc says with all the damage that’s been done to my organs and stuff this past year, they caught it early enough that the damage is reversible. But I need to undergo a really strict recovery treatment,, and they estimate it’ll be at least 18 months before I’m able to get back to my ~normal healthy baseline~. Which is insane… like am I really gonna be out here living like a sickly hermit for a damn year and a half?? I’m gonna keep feeling better, I know. And I’ll slowly be able to do more again. But I can’t go back to my job. It was causing me waaay too much physical and mental strain. :( so that’s gonna be fun to figure out.

They also put me on literally 12 new medications when I left the hospital to help control my symptoms. Each of which I have to take 1-3 times a day. So that’s super exciting. Love a big bowl of pills for breakfast every morning.

It was torture at first because I hate swallowing pills. But it’s been about a week and I’m honestly getting used to it already. And better yet? Even after only a week… they’re noticeably helping my symptoms… and I’m actually starting to be able to do things again… I *almost* feel like, 60% of a normal human person again,,, maybe even 65%! I’m slowly starting to regain my appetite finally… and I can do little things again… like play the new Pokémon game, or watch anime, or draw, or call a friend on the phone. Which… god what a relief 😭 words cannot describe how good it feels to be able to do those things again… frankly,, it was traumatic having to spend the last few months watching my body physically deteriorate in real time… so now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, if only a little. I’m like. Hey?? I actually love myself so much???? I think I’m a pretty cool fun interesting person. Thank GOD I’m making a comeback 😭😭

Saeyoung of course has been a great source of comfort for me throughout all of this… he always is one of my biggest sources of comfort in life… literally even just imagining him being in the same room as me is enough to put me more at ease…

When things were at their worst a big part of how I dealt with shit was vividly daydreaming about making up silly stories with Saeyoung to distract me. This is something I’ve done for years when I’m too upset or stressed to sleep,,, it’s been a reliable source of comfort for me for a hot minute. But it’s never gotten to this extent haha.

We have a whole ass story going,, I’m actually starting to get pretty attached to the story and the characters… which is stupid AF because it’s literally just. Me and Saeyoung Choi as fantasy self-inserts wherein he’s a court jester and I’m a knight and we’re going on a quest to ~find a cure for my mysterious illness~

But a part of me is like 🥺🤔 what if I actually wrote the story tho? Lmaoooo

Amongst other coping mechanisms and distractions,,, I’ve also been falling HARD into my online shopping addiction. But also, idk, can you blame me…? I’m a material gowrl at heart and I haven’t been able to go shopping in person for months 😔😔 I need little treats to get me through the day.

Mostly I’ve been spending an UNGODLY amount of money on plushies. Like… idk if I could count them and I don’t even wanna THINK about the prices fhdhdjd-

Mostly Pokémon and Sanrio characters. But a few other random critters as well.

And tbh?? I don’t regret a single purchase. They’ve literally all helped me feel more comfortable and joyful these past couple months, which I’ve really needed. So, even if my bed is starting to look RIDICULOUS from sheer volume of plushies…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m living my best life

A few days ago I got a giant charmander plushy… and like. Ordinarily I’m not even the biggest fan of charmander (shut UP ABOUT CHARIZARD GAMEFREAK. IM OVER IT. GEN 1 IS POPULAR WE GET IT)

But I swear to god this young man is changing my life. It may be the softest squishiest most huggable plush I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been carrying him almost everywhere,,, starting to feel like the “ahh yes. Me, my partner, and their life sized mareep plushy” meme for real 💀💀

((How do you think Saeyoung would feel about me turning our bed into a literal mountain of plushies? Or having to compete for attention with my charmander? Hehe. ))

THERES ONLY ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY…

If you’re actually taking the time to read all of this,,, holy shit thank you. And thank you for providing lonely bitches like me this outlet c’: to be able to talk… and share comfort… and express our deep love for these characters without fear of judgement. It’s really just such a lovely blog and I can never thank you enough.

But the last topic I wanted to touch on!!!

Ugh,,, I read your answer to the ask about Saeyoung with an MC into pastel goth fashion and…

That made me so happy 😭😭❤️❤️

I love fashion,,, so much. Truly one of my greatest joys in life is getting into a really cool fun outfit and strutting around Knowing that I’m cool as fuck and I look like a sexy badass 😤😤 it’s simply the most powerful feeling.

Love when I’m wearing an outfit I know looks fire and I can’t stop smirking haha.

And I just,,, love being flamboyant and silly and having fun with it. I’m 100% the type of person to walk into a store and go “this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. The colors and patterns are such a mess they’re practically nauseating. I NEED IT.”

I have a collection of tacky button up shirts that could probably blind a man lmao. And JACKETS?? Don’t get me started on jackets. Boots,,, cargo pants,,, earrings,,, big colorful sunglasses. Ugh. <3

Since I’ve been so sick I haven’t been putting much effort into my appearance. My outfits were so joyless for a while… and then, well. I’ve spent the last month and a half wearing exclusively Pajamas and Hospital Gowns 😭

Considering that my main fashion inspirations ordinarily fall somewhere between Elton John, Lil nas x, and Jojo’s bizarre adventure…

Quite the glow down haha

I don’t think I realized fully how much I missed that until I read your ask…

You inspired me to go looking for some fun new clothes online. And now I’m feeling so excited and impatient for them to get here because I can’t remember the last time I got to put together a fun outfit… I actually wanna like,, get up and get dressed for the first time in so long c’: if only to waltz around my apartment a little bit and take a few selfies.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to my FULL level of glamour,, my inflammation is still pretty bad so my face and body are kinda weird and swollen and lumpy right now 🥴 and again,,, standing and walking are still very much a challenge. Idk if I could wear heels right now haha I’m wobbly enough on my feet already.

But I can’t wait to get back into it…

Like you were saying in that ask too… another part of why I love fashion defs has to do with my gender expression… and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people bring that up with Saeyoung 😭 it always makes me grin and fills me with so much adoration to think about Sae getting to have fun and experience that euphoria with clothing and fashion as well… and especially the thought of us getting to do it together….? c’:

Literally a concept that is SO important and special to me 😭❤️❤️

Idk what kinda wonky matching outfits we’d be putting together but I know that we would look so fuckin cool and hot 😤😤 and best of all we could have so much fun. Which… tbh, there’s nothing more I could ask for in life.

Plus of course,,, there’s always the added fun of self indulgently getting to imagine Saeyoung admiring and complimenting me on my fashion :’D and like,,, thinking I’m cool or whatever 😭

Anyways! Those are all the things I wanted to say.

If you’re still reading this,, //what’s wrong with you bahaha I’m such a rambly mess

But like. Thank you. And deadass if this is too long to read or respond to feel free to leave it in your inbox or just delete it.

Honestly it was just really nice to be able to type out all these thoughts just to sorta. Get it out and decompress, ya know…? c’:

I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day.

While I am happy to hear that you have a better understanding of what's going on in your life, I'm sorry you're going through this transitional time when you discover that you have chronic illness. That has to be the most difficult time for a lot of people. You have to make a lot of adjustments and make changes that you may not be happy with to make sure that you're taken care of. I empathize and understand this because I deal with multiple chronic illnesses. If you ever need a safe space to vent about it, this is always a safe spot. Whether you want it to be posted or not, you can always scream into the inbox.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the new limitations and changes that are coming into your life. It'll be hard for a little while to get used to everything. But it'll be okay. I can't promise that it'll be easy in the long run. This journey is a lot different for everybody. I think what helps when you feel lonely and isolated in that regard, is to find comfort in the things that make you happy and if that is this video game, then I'm glad that you have it. It's been there for me through all of my experiences so I'm also grateful for it.

I know what it feels like to be lonely and afraid. Having my blog like this... it’s a place where I’m able to help everyone’s dream. It’s simple, it’s small, but I know even the smallest response of “Yes, your favorite character would do this for you today!” means the world to someone on their worst day. I hope that you’re able to find some spoons to dress up and feel good very soon. It’s hard to find a good day sometimes, but you’ll have soon, I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Imagine that, I mean, imagine Saeyoung gushing over you because you found the energy to get up and show off your new outfit. There’s dazzling sparkles in his eyes as he looks at you. His hands are pressed to his mouth, and he looks like he’s going to keel over in delight. He’s absolutely enamored and in love with the sight of you. “You’re so handsome! I can’t take it! I’m in the presence of the best lover! I think I’m the luckiest boyfriend in the world!” Cue him pretending to faint before you ask him if he’s getting dressed, too.

That’s when he springs back up: “Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect dress that’ll match this. I’ll even let you pick my hair style for the day!”

[miru667]

hi there, miru ! it’s surely been awhile since i’ve visited your blog , and i was always shy to directly interact with you, but this time, i want to say a lot of things, and i hope you’ll find some time to read.

i remember how i stumbled across your account when i was 8 or so, around the time when you just started posting about the lorax and the fandom was growing up. at first, i simply checked your blog out of boredom as a kid since you were the only person i followed here, but later on, i really got interested and often would go back home from school and run to read your new posts, no matter what was it, just because i liked them, and i guess my little mind wanted to explore more about the fandom in general. (: i grew up wishing i was as “cool” as you, and really wanted to talk to you, but guess the unknownness made me nervous enough so i always brushed it off. and no matter how cheesy it sounds ,just going through your blog at least once a day helped me with most of my sad days. you were a huge affect to my childhood, and going through your page again after so long made me feel such a bittersweet nostalgia , i nearly cried catching up with things haha. you were the reason i found out about the lorax in general and joined the fandom , as well as inspired me to try drawing ( i remember using your art as a base when i was 12 ,,, but shhh, let’s keep it a secret (; )

it’s been so long since then, and sometimes it’s hard to believe how much i’ve grown up, as well as you did too. i’ll never forget these days when being a young kid i would try to redraw your onceler fan art , or make a small silly slideshows with your drawings to some goofy songs, LMAO. (i still have them, by the way… eugh. cringeee) and getting to spend my growing up surrounded by such an amazing fandom and amazing people like you has truly built me up as a person, and i couldn’t be more grateful i’ve found out about you back then, because i don’t know who i would be right now if i never did. thank you so much miru, keep going, be happy, and no matter how time passes by , you’ll always be one of my biggest inspirations, and i’ll continue looking up to you. <3

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now , ending the cheesy paragraph above, i’m a little curious about some things, feel free not to answer them if you’re uncomfortable! i’m not pressuring you.

1 ; i’ll start off with a simple one. how are you doing, how’s life in general? (:

2 ; did you know that your small onceler height headcannon you’ve made back in 2013 is showing up on google as an actual height of his , making a lot of people (especially on tik tok. boy, they’re going feral over that fact…) believe it’s his canon height ? they’re actually saying it’s his actual confirmed height and etc. , so i was always wondering how does it feel to have your headcannon being considered by the whole onceler fandom as canon, haha. :D

3 ; speaking about tik tok, you mentioned you don’t have it at all. why don’t you try to get it, and post your art in there? trust me, a lot of people absolutely adore your work in here and considering the fact onceler fandom is apparently biggering again , that could be a nice idea , since personally i think you’re really underrated and deserve some more recognition (:

4 ; what’s your actual opinion on oncest? because honestly , i remember how people drooled over this ship to death back in 10s, however i was never really fond of it and,, you know what i meaannn, it simply didn’t feel right for me at all. (,: did you immediately start liking it since you have some art about it , and what are your thoughts about it now ?

5 ; how old were you when you joined the whole lorax fandom?

6; you obviously have a lot of good memories with the Onceler fandom , as i do too, but there is also some bad memories for me, and some that i wish i could completely erase from my mind haha. how is it for you? like, were there perhaps some situations that happened to you in the fandom that make you shiver in a pleasedon’tremindme way? i’d love to listen if there is some!

7 ; and , the last one. i literally have been a huge fan of your for awhile now , and i was wondering if you’d ever want to maybe ,, talk, y’know? and become friends , perhaps? ;;;;; i feel like i’m being too pushy atp ,but i’m still a little nervous so i’m sorry if i act weird,, (,: but either way, remember you’re amazing, and i hope you have a good day/night !!

thank you for reading my non-sense to the end, lol. i hope i didn’t take off much time <33

Omg,,,Q_Q?? Thank you for sending this message, I wouldn't have known otherwise that I've made such an impact on someone's life, like...it's truly humbling. You were 8?? 😭 And I was really the only blog you followed?? 😭 Back then I did not think about how others might've been using my blog; I myself had always been the one looking up to others, and here you were all that time looking up to me...I guess it's really magical, the way we don't know who in the world might be thinking about us. I hope you're doing well. Your slideshows are not cringe. Or rather, you were cringe and free, and I think that's wonderful.

For your questions then:

I guess I'm doing okay. I have friends who care about me, and I'm able to support myself with my job, so with those two things alone, I'm already very lucky.

If you mean this post: [link] I didn't make this headcanon! As you can see on the post, tumblr user torikabori made it, and I simply reblogged it. I think there's been a few fandom headcanons that have mistakenly been posted on wikis and tvtropes as canon, and I really wish it didn't happen that way, because I don't like misinformation being spread. I've said this before but if it's not in the Lorax DVD, or in any official interviews, or in any concept art, then it's NOT canon. Do not trust google, wiki, tvtropes, or word of mouth.

I,,, reallllllyyyy don't see myself getting into tiktok ;w; Having to be a slave to algorithms and numbers really turns me off, and I can barely keep up with posting on social media anymore. I've almost completely abandoned my instagram, and I'm half a year behind in posting my art to tumblr haha. So I wouldn't be able to keep up with tiktok anyway. Thank you for thinking I deserve more recognition though! 🥺

I think in the early years of the fandom I drew it because it was popular, but since then I've been more true to myself and I only draw what my heart desires now. So now I can say that I've never shipped oncest, though I've shipped onceler askblogs together before. And I'll always be a fan of 7212, though that's not the classic oncest we're referring to here. But I still support whoever does ship it, I think that's totally cool!

I was a young adult!

You are not alone, so many of us from 2012 have gone through bad times in the fandom at least once. For me specifically, it's been 11 years that I've been here, so do you think I could have avoided every single possible bad situation? ;) I won't be sharing any stories, but the onceler fandom would not be what it is today without both the good AND bad, I guarantee you that.

You can feel free to message me anytime you like! I'm not much of a talker since I'm often busy, and I rarely ever message first, but I'll always be courteous to anyone who messages me. As for friendship, I think it should just happen naturally, if it happens!